Friday Jokes

[Karearea]

A new camp commander was appointed and while inspecting the place, he saw two soldiers guarding a bench.

He went over there and asked them why they guarded it.

"We don't know. The last commander told us to do so, and so we did. It's some sort of regimental tradition!"

He searched for the last commander's phone number and called him to ask him why he had wanted guards on this particular bench.

"I don't know. The previous commander had guards, and I kept the tradition."

Going back another 3 commanders, he found a now 100-year-old retired General.

"Excuse me, sir. I'm now the CO of the camp you commanded 60 years ago. I've found 2 men assigned to guard a bench.
Could you please tell me more about the bench?"

"What?! Is the paint still wet?!"

[Karearea]

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping centre and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever pup had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.

I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,

"Now you stay. Do you hear me?" "Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young blonde, gave me a strange look and said,

"Why don't you just put the handbrake on?"

[Ex-Ascot]

Morning folks. Nice day. A very bad afternoon on the lagoon yesterday with booze boats when I was trying to sleep. This medication for Menier's is really taking it out of me.

The 10 Sqn Assn has been using a pub near to our memorial for lunch after the Remembrance service for decades. It is closing. What is happening to all the British pubs?

[Ex-Ascot]

Sorry folks wrong thread.

[Woody]

[ricardian]

Latest from Disney

[ricardian]

Entrepeneurs in Wales have been ordering bulk stocks of red flags and signing up lots of unemployed folk in preparation for the expected reintroduction of the Locomotives Act 1865 (Red Flag Act)

[ricardian]

Q: What's made from leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A: A shoe.

[Woody]

[ricardian]

Wife: Have you noticed the new couple who moved in across the street? He gives her a big kiss every morning when he leaves for work, how come you never do that?
Husband: Well, for one thing I'm retired and don't go to work. And for another thing I don't even know the woman!

[ExSp33db1rd]

Wuster sorce ?

[Hydromet]

[Hydromet]

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out... "Pa you need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with it."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is; now git out there and fix it."
So.......Paw mosies out to the outhouse, looks around, and yells back, "Ma there ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse honey! "
Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Payells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"
Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around, and yells back,"Ma-dadgummit there ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of da hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, and then starts yelling, "Ma - Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it?"

[CharlieOneSix]

.....is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!".....

Happened to me! A wooden toilet seat cracked and pinched my bum - as Ma said, "Hurts, don't it?" It was still under warranty so I got a complete replacement.....seat, not bum!

IMG_1174.jpg (19.25 KiB) Viewed 1243 times

[ricardian]

Simple

[Hydromet]

.....is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!".....

Happened to me! A wooden toilet seat cracked and pinched my bum - as Ma said, "Hurts, don't it?" It was still under warranty so I got a complete replacement.....seat, not bum!
IMG_1174.jpg

I bet that was a pain in the butt.

[k3k3]

Colin was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Colin, how about Tom Cruise?"

Colin replied "Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Colin and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and Tom Cruise shouts, "Colin! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!”

Although impressed, Colin's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Colin that he thinks that knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Colin says.

"OK. President Clinton," his boss retorts.

"Yup," Colin says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington."

At the White House, Clinton spots Colin on the tour, motions him and his boss over, saying, "Colin, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

The boss is shaken, but still not totally convinced. Colin implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Colin. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome.

Colin and his boss are assembled with the masses in St Peter's Square when Colin says,

"This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Colin emerges with the Pope on the balcony.

But by the time Colin returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is lying on the ground surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Colin asks, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said: Who the hell's that on the balcony with Colin?

[ricardian]

Proposed modification to Welsh vehicles

[Pinky the pilot]

Ah sori tumas Ricardian, Mi no savvi.

[unifoxos]

Why do you need a second gear, most cars easily do 20 in first?