Friday Jokes

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llondel
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Re: Friday Jokes

#11081 Post by llondel » Sun Jun 09, 2024 9:38 pm

OFSO wrote:
Sun Jun 09, 2024 3:58 pm
Wife conspiring with our builder over lunch to have a new kitchen. "Well" I said, "Only two choices. Get a new kitchen...."

Chorus: "or ?"

"Get a new wife". Didn't go down well with one person present.
If she's got a good lawyer then the new kitchen is the cheaper option.

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Fox3WheresMyBanana
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Re: Friday Jokes

#11082 Post by Fox3WheresMyBanana » Sun Jun 09, 2024 10:14 pm

..only in the short term, because there's a new fashion in kitchens every year ;)))

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Re: Friday Jokes

#11083 Post by bob2s » Mon Jun 10, 2024 12:35 am


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Woody
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Re: Friday Jokes

#11084 Post by Woody » Mon Jun 10, 2024 6:04 am

A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I've been charged with grievous bobbly arm
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Re: Friday Jokes

#11085 Post by OFSO » Mon Jun 10, 2024 9:48 am

Woody ! Be ashamed.....

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Re: Friday Jokes

#11086 Post by Boac » Mon Jun 10, 2024 10:02 am

Wow! Almost got it in the engine!
615JiisW.jpeg

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Re: Friday Jokes

#11087 Post by ricardian » Mon Jun 10, 2024 1:19 pm

At a big cocktail party, an obstetrician's wife noticed another guest, a big, over sexed woman, was making overtures towards her husband.
But it was a large, informal gathering, so she tried to laugh it off, until she saw them disappear into a bedroom together. At once she rushed into the room, pulled the two apart and screamed:
"Look, lady! My husband just delivers babies, he doesn't INSTALL them!"
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Re: Friday Jokes

#11088 Post by ricardian » Mon Jun 10, 2024 1:59 pm

Snippets of handy information #96:

Image
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Woody
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Re: Friday Jokes

#11089 Post by Woody » Mon Jun 10, 2024 2:30 pm

OFSO wrote:
Mon Jun 10, 2024 9:48 am
Woody ! Be ashamed.....
I’ve got loads like that :))
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Re: Friday Jokes

#11090 Post by OFSO » Mon Jun 10, 2024 2:59 pm

I'm sure it's treatable.

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Re: Friday Jokes

#11091 Post by jimtherev » Mon Jun 10, 2024 10:37 pm

Woody wrote:
Mon Jun 10, 2024 2:30 pm
OFSO wrote:
Mon Jun 10, 2024 9:48 am
Woody ! Be ashamed.....
I’ve got loads like that :))
Don't pay attention to 'im, Woody. Keep 'em coming.

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Re: Friday Jokes

#11092 Post by Opsboi » Tue Jun 11, 2024 12:02 am

I bought a jumper at a bargain price because it was a 'second'

I checked it over carefully and the only fault I could find was that one sleeve was slightly longer than the other two

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Re: Friday Jokes

#11093 Post by Karearea » Tue Jun 11, 2024 12:10 am

^ Lol!
"And to think that it's the same dear old Moon..."

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Re: Friday Jokes

#11094 Post by Woody » Tue Jun 11, 2024 10:21 am

Image
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Re: Friday Jokes

#11095 Post by Woody » Tue Jun 11, 2024 10:24 am

Just learned the word for constipation in German………..

Farfrompoopen.
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Re: Friday Jokes

#11096 Post by ricardian » Tue Jun 11, 2024 1:21 pm

A girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to 4, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said.
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mummy.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" So she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36 Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
"No love, it's because you're 22."
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Woody
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Re: Friday Jokes

#11097 Post by Woody » Thu Jun 13, 2024 5:47 am

An old man fainted earlier and fell onto a luggage carousel.

He came round eventually.
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Re: Friday Jokes

#11098 Post by Woody » Fri Jun 14, 2024 1:45 pm

My wife said if you’re bored why don’t you make a bird table?

Now she’s kicking off because I put her in fifth place.
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Re: Friday Jokes

#11099 Post by Hydromet » Sat Jun 15, 2024 12:20 am

Woody wrote:
Fri Jun 14, 2024 1:45 pm
My wife said if you’re bored why don’t you make a bird table?

Now she’s kicking off because I put her in fifth place.
Just have to steal that one. :-bd :-bd

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Re: Friday Jokes

#11100 Post by ricardian » Sat Jun 15, 2024 6:08 am

A WO and an Officer are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The Officer is thinking that WO’s are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy. So the Officer asks if the WO would like to play a fun game. The WO is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The Officer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun, "I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only £5. Then you ask me one, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you £100", he says.
This catches the WO's attention and, to keep the Officer quiet, he agrees to play the game. The Officer asks the first question.
"What’s the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"
The WO doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-pound note, and hands it to the Officer.
Now it’s the WO's turn. He asks the Officer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The Officer uses his laptop and searches all references he can find on the internet. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes the WO and hands him £100. The WO pockets the £100 and goes right back to sleep.
The Officer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the WO up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The WO reaches into his pocket, hands the Officer £5, and goes back to sleep.
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