Friday Jokes

[llondel]

ABGN. That's bang out of order.

[G~Man]

When I first met my mother-in-law, she told me she was a medium. I didn't believe her. I could see immediately she was an extra-large.

When I first met my father-in-law he promised me 2 acres and a cow. After two years of waiting on the 2 acres, I asked for a divorce.

[Woody]

A bloke goes to a tattooist & says he'd like a large Indian drawn allover his back. He's told its a big job & will be expensive but they proceed. After a couple of hours the bloke asks if the tattooist could give the Indian a Tomahawk in his hand, the tattooist says "No problem, I'll just finish his Turban first"

[unifoxos]

And I was expecting the customer to ask for a Hell's Angel on the saddle.

[OFSO]

Wonder who here knows what an Indian was.....

[G~Man]

Wonder who here knows what an Indian was.....

I will admit that I did not until I saw the movie "The world's fastest Indian". Great movie, highly recommend.

[Fox3WheresMyBanana]

Seconded!

[Karearea]

Wonder who here knows what an Indian was.....

*raises hand*

[John Hill]

Now a Royal Enfield, that's a real Indian!

[llondel]

How do you make a water bed more bouncy?

.
.
.
Fill it with spring water.

[Hydromet]

Wonder who here knows what an Indian was.....

From my father's photo collection...

[Woody]

[ricardian]

A man visited the zoo and then claimed that he had been savaged by an aardvark. The claim went to the local assizes but the magistrates dismissed the claim because, as everyone knows, aardvark never hurt anyone

[bob2s]

I just bought a sweet
car online
it was previously owned by Neil Diamond.

[Karearea]

^

[OFSO]

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.
'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'
'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'
'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
'Who's going to tell' says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms. (Remember, the Pope is German.)

'Please slow down, Your Holiness' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.
'So bust him,' says the Chief.
'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'
'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.
The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: ' A senator?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'
Cop: 'I think it's God!'
The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'
Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'

[PHXPhlyer]

^


PP

[Ex-Ascot]

273 and 274 had to be explained to one.

[ricardian]

Psychiatrist: I hear that you have tattoos all over your back and shoulders.
Patient: Yes, and sometimes when people are sad I let them colour them in.
Psychiatrist: Why would you do that?
Patient: Sometimes people just need a shoulder to crayon.

[Archer]

#276 is slightly dated seeing as we have had an Argentinian pope since 2013

**********

The Pope dies and stands in front of the gates of heaven. St. Peter looks at him confused:" Who are you? I don't know you." The Pope says" I'm the Pope, the holy father". Peter scrolls through his holy book " Pope, Pope, holy father..... nope, not in here". Now the Pope is confused "But I'm God's representative on earth." Peter says " Pease wait a minute" and rushes to God's office. Out of breath he asks God " Excuse me Boss, there is someone standing at the gates saying his name is Pope and he's your representative on earth" God is puzzled and says" What in hell? I have a what on earth? JEEEEESUS, come over son!" Jesus comes over "Yes Dad, what's up?" God asks him "Go to the gates and have a look at that guy saying he's my representative" Jesus heads off and returns a few minutes later, laughing out loud. "Dad, you remember the small fishing club I founded about 2000 years ago? You won't believe it, it still exists.."