Friday Jokes

[ricardian]

Mary Poppins was travelling home but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night:
"Certainly madam." He replied courteously.
"Is the restaurant still open?" Enquired Mary.
"Sorry, no." Came the reply. "But room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"
Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it.
"Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.
"Certainly, madam." He replied.
"And can I have breakfast in bed?" Asked Mary politely.
The receptionist nodded and smiled.
"In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please." Mary mused.
After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.
The night passed uneventfully and the next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.
"Morning madam, did you sleep well?"
"Yes, thank you." Mary replied.
"Was the food to your liking?"
"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs, though, they really weren't that nice at all." Replied Mary truthfully.
"Oh, well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion." Said the receptionist.
"I will, thank you." Replied Mary, who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.
Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written!
"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!"

[Woody]

[Woody]

[ricardian]

Her: I'm not looking for anything serious, just a quick fling.
Him: Well, you'll be pleased to know that I just happen to have a trebuchet in the back garden.

[ricardian]

During a medieval siege the attackers ran out of cannon balls so they loaded the severed head of a peasant into the cannon and fired it. By sheer luck it hit the duke's son and killed him. It was the very first serf face to heir missile.

[ricardian]

Wife: I have some good news for you and I have some bad news for you.
Husband: OK, just tell me the good news.
Wife: The airbags in our car work perfectly.

[bob2s]

A few good chuckles there Ricardian.

[ricardian]

Mary had a little lamb,
Its fleece was white as snow.
But Mary loves a curry
And the fleece is now a throw.

[Opsboi]

Mary had a little lamb,
Its fleece was white as snow.
But Mary loves a curry
And the fleece is now a throw.

Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was black as soot
And into Mary's bread and jam
His sooty foot he out

[Hydromet]

Mary had a little lamb
The doctor had a fit.

[ricardian]

My parsimonious friend's son asked to be taken to the Sea Life Centre so my friend took him to the fish market and told the lad that they were "sleeping".
The same lad was told that the icecream van only played its chimes when all the icecream had been sold.

[ricardian]

My friend tells me that he and his wife have made their house "child proof" but complains that they still manage to get in somehow

[bob2s]

Police have confirmed that a man who tragically fell from an 18th-floor nightclub was not a bouncer.

[ricardian]

Advert: We are a small, casual restaurant downtown and we are looking for solo musicians to play in our restaurant to promote their work and sell their CDs. This is not a daily job, but only for special events which may eventually turn into a nightly event if we get positive responses. Jazz, rock and other musical styles will suit. Are you interested to promote your work? Please reply back ASAP.

Musicians response:
Happy New Year! I am a musician with a big house looking for a restauranteur to come to my house to promote his/her restaurant by making dinner for me and my friends. This is not a daily job but only for special events which may eventually turn into a nightly event. More fine dining, exotic meals & mixed Ethnic Fusion cuisine. Are you interested to promote your restaurant? Please reply back ASAP.

[ricardian]

I had a phone conversation today with a very nice young chap from Pakistan. This is how it went:
"Hello sir, how are you today?"
"I'm very well, thank you for asking. And how are you? And, more to the point, WHO are you?"
"Sir, my name is Sanjit, and I'm calling you from Microsoft."
"Microsoft, eh? Is that a city in Pakistan? How's the weather there today?"
"No, sir - MICROSOFT, the computer company. I'm calling to tell you that we have found a problem with your computer and -"
"REALLY?? Well, that's quite concerning."
"Yes sir, it can become very serious indeed, but thankfully I will be able to fix it for you. Now, if you -"
"No, I meant it's very concerning because you see I don't HAVE a computer."
"You don't?"
"I don't."
"Ahh, it must be a problem on your laptop sir -"
"Don't have one."
"Ipad?"
"Nope."
"Tablet?"
"Nope, I have none of those things. As a matter of fact, I don't even have a telephone."
After a few seconds of silence he said "Ah, sir, you are lying to me now!"
I said "Well, you started it!!" and put the phone down.

[llondel]

[PHXPhlyer]

Essential Oils

https://us1-photo.nextdoor.com/post_pho ... ype=resize

PP

[Mrs Ex-Ascot]

christie.jpg

Sorry, but this is lost on me.

[Karearea]

christie.jpg

Sorry, but this is lost on me.

...And Then There Were None

[jimtherev]

Ricardian and Sanjit
Love it.
Shall steal it.