barkingmad wrote: ↑Mon Jan 13, 2020 9:52 amFor quite some time I’ve suspected someone has been watching me. Are you the guilty party and if so, why?
Friday Jokes
Re: Friday Jokes
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- Chief Pilot
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Re: Friday Jokes
Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
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visitstronsay.com
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visitstronsay.com
https://www.wunderground.com/forecast/EGER
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- Chief Pilot
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Re: Friday Jokes
Well with the latest cars! We are buying a Toyota. It has a people sensor so will slow down and stop if you don't. A car sensor so it will slow down if 45 is too fast, and self parking if you can't. It can't manage a supermarket car park slot but will avoid the trolleys.
Can wait to try like Sergei
Re: Friday Jokes
I have subscribed to the magazine. Waiting for the next edition. Mind you, 45 is a bit slow.
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- Chief Pilot
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Re: Friday Jokes
Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
www.stronsaylimpet.co.uk
visitstronsay.com
https://www.wunderground.com/forecast/EGER
www.stronsaylimpet.co.uk
visitstronsay.com
https://www.wunderground.com/forecast/EGER
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- Chief Pilot
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- Joined: Sat Aug 22, 2015 10:08 pm
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Re: Friday Jokes
My wife and I went to the cattle auction the other week and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week ! ...........You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR
'My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if every time was with the same old cow.'
My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.
'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week ! ...........You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR
'My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if every time was with the same old cow.'
My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.
Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
www.stronsaylimpet.co.uk
visitstronsay.com
https://www.wunderground.com/forecast/EGER
www.stronsaylimpet.co.uk
visitstronsay.com
https://www.wunderground.com/forecast/EGER
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- Chief Pilot
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- Joined: Sat Aug 22, 2015 10:08 pm
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- Age: 81
Re: Friday Jokes
When I go into my local park I like to line up the squirrels in order of height.
I got thrown out for critter sizing
I got thrown out for critter sizing
Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
www.stronsaylimpet.co.uk
visitstronsay.com
https://www.wunderground.com/forecast/EGER
www.stronsaylimpet.co.uk
visitstronsay.com
https://www.wunderground.com/forecast/EGER
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- Chief Pilot
- Posts: 6068
- Joined: Sat Aug 22, 2015 10:08 pm
- Location: 59°09N 002°38W
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- Age: 81
Re: Friday Jokes
Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
www.stronsaylimpet.co.uk
visitstronsay.com
https://www.wunderground.com/forecast/EGER
www.stronsaylimpet.co.uk
visitstronsay.com
https://www.wunderground.com/forecast/EGER
-
- Chief Pilot
- Posts: 6068
- Joined: Sat Aug 22, 2015 10:08 pm
- Location: 59°09N 002°38W
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- Age: 81
Re: Friday Jokes
Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
www.stronsaylimpet.co.uk
visitstronsay.com
https://www.wunderground.com/forecast/EGER
www.stronsaylimpet.co.uk
visitstronsay.com
https://www.wunderground.com/forecast/EGER
Re: Friday Jokes
A bloke from the bush walked into a Sydney antique shop. After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.
He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?' The owner replied: 'It's $12 for the rat, and $100 for the story.' The fellow gave the owner his $12 and said, 'I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story!'
As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the drains and begun following him. This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks, the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.
He increased his speed and ran on towards Sydney Harbour and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster and faster. By now, very concerned, he ran down to the pier and threw the bronze rat as far out into the water as he could.
Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it, and were all drowned.
The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said, 'Ah, you've come back for the story then?'
'***** no!' said the bloke, 'I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim, a couple of Asians, a Poof, anything Aboriginal and an Indian spin bowler
He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?' The owner replied: 'It's $12 for the rat, and $100 for the story.' The fellow gave the owner his $12 and said, 'I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story!'
As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the drains and begun following him. This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks, the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.
He increased his speed and ran on towards Sydney Harbour and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster and faster. By now, very concerned, he ran down to the pier and threw the bronze rat as far out into the water as he could.
Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it, and were all drowned.
The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said, 'Ah, you've come back for the story then?'
'***** no!' said the bloke, 'I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim, a couple of Asians, a Poof, anything Aboriginal and an Indian spin bowler
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- Chief Pilot
- Posts: 6068
- Joined: Sat Aug 22, 2015 10:08 pm
- Location: 59°09N 002°38W
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- Age: 81
Re: Friday Jokes
Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
www.stronsaylimpet.co.uk
visitstronsay.com
https://www.wunderground.com/forecast/EGER
www.stronsaylimpet.co.uk
visitstronsay.com
https://www.wunderground.com/forecast/EGER
Re: Friday Jokes
Vampire Bat
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood & began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to **** off & let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. "OK, follow me", he said & flew out of the cave with hundreds of excited bats behind him. Down through a valley they went across a river & into a huge forest. Finally he slowed down & all other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood. "Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. YES, YES, YES!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good for you!" said the first bat, "Because I didn't."
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood & began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to **** off & let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. "OK, follow me", he said & flew out of the cave with hundreds of excited bats behind him. Down through a valley they went across a river & into a huge forest. Finally he slowed down & all other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood. "Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. YES, YES, YES!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good for you!" said the first bat, "Because I didn't."
Re: Friday Jokes
Good one!
- Ex-Ascot
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Re: Friday Jokes
Just told that to all the bats hanging above me. Being fruit bats they didn't understand it.
'Yes, Madam, I am drunk, but in the morning I shall be sober and you will still be ugly.' Sir Winston Churchill.
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- Chief Pilot
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Re: Friday Jokes
Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
www.stronsaylimpet.co.uk
visitstronsay.com
https://www.wunderground.com/forecast/EGER
www.stronsaylimpet.co.uk
visitstronsay.com
https://www.wunderground.com/forecast/EGER
-
- Chief Pilot
- Posts: 6068
- Joined: Sat Aug 22, 2015 10:08 pm
- Location: 59°09N 002°38W
- Gender:
- Age: 81
Re: Friday Jokes
Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
www.stronsaylimpet.co.uk
visitstronsay.com
https://www.wunderground.com/forecast/EGER
www.stronsaylimpet.co.uk
visitstronsay.com
https://www.wunderground.com/forecast/EGER
-
- Chief Pilot
- Posts: 6068
- Joined: Sat Aug 22, 2015 10:08 pm
- Location: 59°09N 002°38W
- Gender:
- Age: 81
Re: Friday Jokes
Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
www.stronsaylimpet.co.uk
visitstronsay.com
https://www.wunderground.com/forecast/EGER
www.stronsaylimpet.co.uk
visitstronsay.com
https://www.wunderground.com/forecast/EGER
Re: Friday Jokes
I can't understand the fuss about people not wanting to work until they're seventy five. I've carried on and done my bit and have no intention of retiring, I'll work till I drop. Can't beat a good days graft for keeping your mind sharp, so come on, help pull the country out of the ***** and work till you die.
H M The Queen.
Buckingham Palace
London.
H M The Queen.
Buckingham Palace
London.
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- Chief Pilot
- Posts: 6068
- Joined: Sat Aug 22, 2015 10:08 pm
- Location: 59°09N 002°38W
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- Age: 81
Re: Friday Jokes
Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
www.stronsaylimpet.co.uk
visitstronsay.com
https://www.wunderground.com/forecast/EGER
www.stronsaylimpet.co.uk
visitstronsay.com
https://www.wunderground.com/forecast/EGER