Friday Jokes

[ricardian]

Weight watchers

[Boac]

That, Ric is 'Weightist' and the plod will be calling shortly to 'discuss' your attitudes.

[ricardian]

Best friends (for the moment)

[jimtherev]

One for jimtherev

Sore spot. Hit.
Yesterday, socially distanced coffee with friends in the village. Turns out that the main reason for their invitation was that they are pawing the ground until the day we can re-start the village community choir, and surely I could manage a zoom choir? Couldn't understand that the typically-quarter-second delay between me singing and you hearing would b**ger up any thought of choral singing, and the technical tricks that the professionals use would almost certainly be too much for half our singers, even if I could get the kit together and set each one up.
Me? Sod singing! I'm not even allowed in church when a congregation's there. Eleven points on the risk-assessment, when the cut-off is six.
<Eheu>

[ricardian]

A touching scene

[ricardian]

Me: During my walk I was bitten by a big dog.
Karen: Oh my goodness! What if it had been a child?
Me: Don't be silly, I could easily have fought off a child.

[G-CPTN]

I just love the contributions from ricardian.

[Ex-Ascot]

I just love the contributions from ricardian.

+1

I search t'internet and can never find such good ones.

[Stoneboat]

I just love the contributions from ricardian.

+10

[Woody]

£1000 reward

Someone's broken into my mate TGG’s shed and they’ve taken a load of personal stuff that was in there!!! If anyone comes across any garage sales or Facebook posts selling any of it or is offered any of the listed items please let me know or you can text me discretion is assured. Reward has been offered for information leading to the recovery of these items
She's built up this collection for years

Items stolen

1 x 18” light up sparkle unicorn dildo
1 x gimp gag mask (it has a sequin finish)
1 x large tube of tuna flavoured lube
1 x Cucumber
1 x signed photo of David Dickinson
1 x Latex glove with novelty fingers
1 x rope
1 x bag of cable ties
1 x pair of nipple tassels
1 x roll of gaffer tape
1 x Anal butt plug
2 x pink fur lined handcuffs
1 x Paddle
And 1 x deluxe inflatable goat.

Reward for any info...

Pick your victim and keep it going

[ricardian]

Ooh vicar!

[jimtherev]

Ooh vicar!

Oh dear! Such innocence!

Alternatively, the Vicar has an advanced sense of humour and didn't want to spoil ricardian's fun?

[ricardian]

For the next Masterchef competition?

[ricardian]

Elementary sex education

[llondel]

Ooh vicar!

For extra points, note that it's in Kinghorn. (Just across the water from Edinburgh).

[ricardian]

It's my wife's birthday tomorrow. She's been leaving jewellery catalogues all over the house so I've bought her a magazine rack

[ricardian]

The old, old story!

[Ex-Ascot]

Virus tests.

[llondel]

There's something particularly terrifying about that picture. Will complicate the topless horse-riding too.

[FD2]

If you take part in Zoom meetings, remember to turn your camera off. Rio City Council Zoom meeting goes with a bang:

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/articl ... rence.html