Re: Friday Jokes
Posted: Thu Jul 22, 2021 6:40 am
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd
eventually find me attractive.
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand
for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small
donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a
glass of water.
I changed my password to "incorrect" so whenever I
forget it the computer will say, "Your password is incorrect."
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I'm great at multi-tasking--I can waste time, be
unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in
mind to blame.
Never tell your problems to anyone, because 20 percent
don't care and the other 80 percent are glad you have them.
Doesn't expecting the unexpected mean that the
unexpected is actually expected?
Take my advice — I'm not using it.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.
I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves
sound perspicacious.
Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like
they're at home when you wish they were.
Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it
in like a computer.
I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all
it's been doing is gathering dust.
Every time someone comes up with a foolproof solution, along
comes a more-talented fool.
I'll bet you $4,567 you can't guess how much I owe
my bookie.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have
trouble putting on your pants.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me
at kick boxing.
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
When I married Mr. Right, I had no idea his first name was
Always.
My wife got 8 out 10 on her driver's test--the other two
guys managed to jump out of her way.
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still
looking.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than
men spend thinking.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the
do-it-yourself type.
I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had
one.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you
don't have to mow it.
I like long walks, especially when they're taken by
people who annoy me.
I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I
couldn't find it.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for
you.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?
Money is the root of all wealth.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be
stationery.
eventually find me attractive.
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand
for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small
donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a
glass of water.
I changed my password to "incorrect" so whenever I
forget it the computer will say, "Your password is incorrect."
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I'm great at multi-tasking--I can waste time, be
unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in
mind to blame.
Never tell your problems to anyone, because 20 percent
don't care and the other 80 percent are glad you have them.
Doesn't expecting the unexpected mean that the
unexpected is actually expected?
Take my advice — I'm not using it.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.
I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves
sound perspicacious.
Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like
they're at home when you wish they were.
Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it
in like a computer.
I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all
it's been doing is gathering dust.
Every time someone comes up with a foolproof solution, along
comes a more-talented fool.
I'll bet you $4,567 you can't guess how much I owe
my bookie.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have
trouble putting on your pants.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me
at kick boxing.
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
When I married Mr. Right, I had no idea his first name was
Always.
My wife got 8 out 10 on her driver's test--the other two
guys managed to jump out of her way.
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still
looking.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than
men spend thinking.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the
do-it-yourself type.
I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had
one.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you
don't have to mow it.
I like long walks, especially when they're taken by
people who annoy me.
I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I
couldn't find it.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for
you.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?
Money is the root of all wealth.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be
stationery.
