Friday Jokes

[ricardian]

Words of wisdom

[ricardian]

For the musically minded

[llondel]

I bought some entomology software. It's useless, full of bugs.

[FD2]

My mate recently spent $16,500 on this registered Black Angus bull.

He put him out with the herd, but the bull just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.

My mate was beginning to think he’d paid more for that bull than he was worth.

Anyway......my mate had the Vet come and take a look at the bull.

The vet said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave my mate some pills to feed the bull once per day.

The bull started to service the cows within two days - all the cows!

He even broke through the fence and bred with all of the neighbour's cows! He was like a machine!

My mate says he doesn't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ...

... but they kind of taste like peppermint.

[ricardian]

First contact

[ricardian]

An elderly woman joins a country club, and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, “I played on my college’s golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?”
No one wants to say ‘yes’, but they’re on the spot. Finally, one man says, “Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m.” He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The elderly woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late. They roll their eyes, but say, “Okay.”
She’s there at 6:30 a.m. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round.
She’s fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back next week.
She smiles, and says, “I’ll be there at 6:30, or 6:45.”
The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even-par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They’re totally amazed! They can’t figure her out. She’s a very pleasant and gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbours a burning desire to beat her.
The third week she’s 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys.
This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she’s so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can’t hold a grudge. This woman is a riddle no one can figure out.
They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse and finally, one of the men asks her, “How do you decide if you’re going to golf right-handed or left-handed?”
The old lady blushes and grins. “When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned that I was ambidextrous,” she replies. “I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed.”
The guys think this is hysterical.
Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys smirks and says, “What if it’s pointing straight up?”
She says, “Then, I’m fifteen minutes late.”

[ricardian]

At the local Covid test centre:
Nurse: Have you experienced a sudden loss of taste?
Patient: No, I've always dressed like this.

[ricardian]

Dog owners will recognise this problem

[Fox3WheresMyBanana]

Meanwhile, in Georgia...

[ricardian]

#1 in a series of monthly issues
Next month - DIY hip replacement. Coming soon - DIY appendectomy.
Collect the whole series then apply to the Royal College of Surgeons for your award

[Fox3WheresMyBanana]

Field cookery:
First, take out a Russian APC....

[Fox3WheresMyBanana]

Ceaușescu = Firing Squad
Gaddafi = Bayonet up the butt
Hitler = Cyanide + Shot
Hussein = Hanged

Putin = "Choices, choices!"

[PHXPhlyer]

Ceaușescu = Firing Squad
Gaddafi = Bayonet up the butt
Hitler = Cyanide + Shot
Hussein = Hanged

Putin = "Choices, choices!"

All of the above?

PP

[ricardian]

Really!?

[ricardian]

This man was a genius!

[Woody]

[ricardian]

Unnecessary notices #94

[llondel]

I had to go check that one out... https://www.google.com/maps/@38.4608717 ... 00!5m1!1e1

[Fox3WheresMyBanana]

In an unexpected development, Ukraine has received over 100 main battle tanks, 230 SPGs, 276 APCs and 4 million rounds of assorted ammo entirely free.

Thank you, Russia.

Further huge donations are expected shortly.

[Boac]

What's the second-hand market like?