Friday Jokes

[Woody]

Keeping with a theme

[Hydromet]

Cracking joke, Woody.

[Fox3WheresMyBanana]

Cheeky, even.

[ricardian]

CO of a Signals unit attached to on a S.H.A.P.E Ex in Belgium approaches the field kitchen servery, "Cpl Hitchen, what's in the fish pie?"
Cpl, "Sir, prawns, crab, cod, haddock, and a little red snapper if we have any left."
CO, "Prawns?"
Cpl, "Yes Sir."
After clearing down CO and RSM came up to the Field kitchen.
CO, "Cpl Hitchen, the fish pie was lovely but I didn't get or see any Prawns!"
Cpl, "Sorry sir, the compo pilchards must have eaten them all!"
The RSM's face turning and walking away was a picture.

[ricardian]

From the author of the story in 9664:
We were getting our 10 Man ration packs dropped at near by U.S.A.F base Prum & Bittburg and Spandarling ( Excuse the spelling )
The chefs went weekly for a good wash down at the camp's medical centres. 4 weeks of pilchards and corned beef was taking its toll on everyone, we had rabbits and game birds from traps and the Yanks Brought in wild boar and again the odd venison first 3 weeks. By End Ex we had stored up 40 plus tins of compo pilchards hence the famous fish pie LOL

[ricardian]

At the funeral of a well-known linguist a fellow academic asked the linguist's wife "Do you mind if I say a word?"
She nods so he stands up, says "Plethora" and immediately sits down.
The linguist's wife says, tearfully, "That means a lot."

[Woody]

[FD2]

Yorkshire Jonnies.jpg (107.42 KiB) Viewed 901 times

[Opsboi]

A scouser was on holiday in the USA and stopped in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada

He spied an old Native American sitting in the corner, tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face

The scouser was intrigued - the bartender told him 'That's the Memory Man - he knows everything'

So the scouser goes over and asks 'Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?'

'Liverpool' replies the Memory Man

'Who did they beat?'

'Leeds' was the reply

And the score?'

'2-1'

'Who scored the winning goal?'

'Ian St. John'

The scouser was impressed

A few years later he went back and found the bar and sitting in the same seat was the old Native American but obviously this time he was older and even more wrinkled

Out of respect, the scouser decided to greet him in his native tongue, 'How'.

'Diving header in the six yard box'.

[Karearea]

Meme:

One minute you're young and fun.

And the next, you're turning down the stereo in your car to see better.

[Opsboi]

Meme:

One minute you're young and fun.

And the next, you're turning down the stereo in your car to see better.

No, got me there

[Hydromet]

Meme:

One minute you're young and fun.

And the next, you're turning down the stereo in your car to see better.

No, got me there

You'll know it when you do it.

[Ex-Ascot]

OK another one.

[llondel]

I met my Spanish girlfriend at a local castanet club. We just clicked.

[ricardian]

Make the mundane more exciting:
You aren't going to Boots, you are visiting the apothecary to buy potions.
You are not running errands, you are doing a side quest.
You are not feeding the birds, you are making an alliance with the Crow Queen.
You are not going to the garden centre, you are going to a magical forest in search of exotic plant life.
You are not having a lunchtime snack, you are staying your hunger with your noon repast.

[ricardian]

A man walks into a bar and he is completely parched. He sits at the bar, pats his pockets and realizes he's left his wallet at home. He calls to the bartender,
"Hey pal, I've left my wallet at home but hey... tell you what, if I can show you something incredible, will you give me a free beer in return?"
The bartender is a worldly individual. "Listen, mate, look around at the stuff on the walls, I've seen all kinds of things, been all kinds of places. I mean, you can give it a shot but I honestly doubt you can show me something that impressive."
So the man reaches into his left jacket pocket and pulls out a small hamster. He places the hamster on the bar and the bartender looks bemused. The man reaches into his other jacket pocket and pulls out a tiny piano, followed by a tiny stool, just the right size for the hamster, who sits down, cracks his knuckles and starts playing a famous piece of music by Rachmaninoff.
The bartender is speechless.
"Tell you what mate... I've seen some things in my time but that is absolutely incredible! Here's your free beer."
The visitor gulps down his drink until the last drop is gone. But he can't help but feel another drink would really hit the spot. He motions to the bartender again.
"Look, I could really use another drink - how about I show you something even more incredible?"
The bartender stares in disbelief. "After that performance, I think you'll struggle to beat it! But go on, try your luck then."
The man reaches into his left jacket pocket again and retrieves a small frog, who is wearing a waistcoat. He places the frog on the stool beside the hamster. The hamster counts to four, the frog clears his throat, and over the piano the frog sings a classic opera, bringing several people in the bar to tears.
"Oh my word," says the bartender. "That is absolutely unbelievable. Here's your pint, mate. You've earned it."
In the corner of the room, a shady looking individual has been watching with keen interest from behind his dark sunglasses. He approaches the owner of the performing animals and gets straight to business.
"I'll give you £50,000 right now, in cash, if you'll let me take that frog off your hands this instant."
"Well, sure, why not?" says the man, as he duly hands the frog over to the shady character, who promptly slides back a silver briefcase filled with banknotes before making his exit with the frog.
"Are you MAD!?" the bartender says to the man. "You could have made millions with that frog!"
"Nah," says the man.
"The hamster's a ventriloquist!!.

[ricardian]

My friend got fired from his job because he kept asking customers whether they would prefer "Smoking" or "Non-smoking".
Apparently the correct terms are "Cremation" or "Burial".

[ricardian]

Next week is Diarrhoea Awareness Week. Runs until Friday.

[Fox3WheresMyBanana]

Oh, I'd been told that next week was Constipation Awareness Week.

Obviously my informant was full of it.

[ricardian]

"I'm building a model of Mount Everest."
"Is it to scale?"
"No, it's just to look at."