Friday Jokes

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llondel
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Re: Friday Jokes

#2501 Post by llondel » Wed Mar 20, 2019 2:29 am

San Jose is about 400ft down the road from here, but not the one to which you refer, I suspect.

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Re: Friday Jokes

#2502 Post by Capetonian » Wed Mar 20, 2019 2:52 am

A friend and I went to a Hotters in MIA once. He was quite taken with one of the waitresses who seemed to be a bit flirty, so I told him I'd get her number. I went off to the loo and came back 5 minutes later with her name and a phone number written on a scrap of paper.

He fell for it and when she came over to the table next time he thanked her and said he'd call her. She wasn't quite sure what to make of it, but he bottled out anyway and didn't even try the (made up) number.

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Rwy in Sight
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Re: Friday Jokes

#2503 Post by Rwy in Sight » Wed Mar 20, 2019 5:43 am

Local Hooters were among the largest deception in a good project we used to run with friends.

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Woody
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Re: Friday Jokes

#2504 Post by Woody » Wed Mar 20, 2019 7:34 am

There used to be a musical instrument shop in Windsor called Hooters, always seemed to be lots of puzzled and confused tourists turning up :))
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Re: Friday Jokes

#2505 Post by ribrash » Wed Mar 20, 2019 9:19 am

I'm in traffic behind a car with an "Italia" bumper sticker on it and I just spent over 3 minutes imagining myself writing "Gen" in front of it because I'm an adult.

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Re: Friday Jokes

#2506 Post by OFSO » Wed Mar 20, 2019 9:57 am

Old William Rushton joke from PE. Two portly guys.
"Do you hear JB's flying Gen Italia ?"
"My God, must be a fearsome sound.."

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Re: Friday Jokes

#2507 Post by ricardian » Wed Mar 20, 2019 12:57 pm

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4mastacker
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Re: Friday Jokes

#2508 Post by 4mastacker » Sat Mar 23, 2019 8:14 am

Lifted from another forum.
Screenshot 2019-03-23 at 08.11.26.png
Screenshot 2019-03-23 at 08.11.26.png (301.94 KiB) Viewed 684 times
It's always my fault - SWMBO

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Re: Friday Jokes

#2509 Post by ricardian » Sat Mar 23, 2019 9:39 am

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Re: Friday Jokes

#2510 Post by ricardian » Sat Mar 23, 2019 2:25 pm

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Re: Friday Jokes

#2511 Post by Hydromet » Sat Mar 23, 2019 7:18 pm

Ricardian, whatever floats your boat.

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Re: Friday Jokes

#2512 Post by ricardian » Sun Mar 24, 2019 9:26 pm

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Re: Friday Jokes

#2513 Post by ricardian » Mon Mar 25, 2019 10:17 am

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Re: Friday Jokes

#2514 Post by Sisemen » Mon Mar 25, 2019 1:32 pm

73D83D46-3591-4209-99CB-8374E76158FB.jpeg
73D83D46-3591-4209-99CB-8374E76158FB.jpeg (56.81 KiB) Viewed 435 times

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I cannot vouch for the authenticity, but they are amusing

#2515 Post by Boac » Mon Mar 25, 2019 9:28 pm

Having a bad day?

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.

A post-mortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.

It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.

You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air.

Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed. But keep reading....

Still think you're having a bad day?

A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.

His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.

While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled petrol with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.

After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance.. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.

As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them. They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.

Still having a bad day ? Just remember, it could be worse.

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

You don't still think you are having a bad day ?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

Get away...

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hapless protesters were trampled to death.

What ?! STILL having a bad day ??
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'return to sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now, feeling better?

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Re: Friday Jokes

#2516 Post by ricardian » Mon Mar 25, 2019 9:49 pm

Q: What do you call a woman in Heaven?
A: An angel.

Q: What do you call a crowd of women in Heaven?
A: A host of angels.

Q: what do you call all women in Heaven?
A: Peace on Earth.
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Fox3WheresMyBanana
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Re: Friday Jokes

#2517 Post by Fox3WheresMyBanana » Wed Mar 27, 2019 12:15 am

Perfect job for a terrible driver:

Hearse Driver.

Think about it

ribrash

Re: Friday Jokes

#2518 Post by ribrash » Wed Mar 27, 2019 10:01 am

Going to these new Gastro Pubs is a bit like visiting your Nan thats got dementia. Chips served in a flower pot and a burger on a bathroom tile.

Boac
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Re: Friday Jokes

#2519 Post by Boac » Wed Mar 27, 2019 11:08 am

My gran used to serve the chips in a dog and the burger on the floor. Hope it's not heradi horedt herett - passed down the family line.

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Re: Friday Jokes

#2520 Post by jimtherev » Wed Mar 27, 2019 10:47 pm

ribrash wrote:
Wed Mar 27, 2019 10:01 am
Going to these new Gastro Pubs is a bit like visiting your Nan thats got dementia. Chips served in a flower pot and a burger on a bathroom tile.
I'm waiting for soup in a basket

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