Friday Jokes

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bob2s
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Re: Friday Jokes

#3241 Post by bob2s » Sat Aug 24, 2019 6:04 am

Zen truths
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,

for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much
leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and
leaky tyre.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of
car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their
shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have
their
shoes.

9. If at first yo u don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to
fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and
put
it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark
side,
and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are
moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need
it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
laxative on
the same night.

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Re: Friday Jokes

#3242 Post by prospector » Sun Aug 25, 2019 12:38 am

Zen would appear to have been on this earth observing for quite some time!!!

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Re: Friday Jokes

#3243 Post by ricardian » Sun Aug 25, 2019 4:32 am

A woman was holding on to a pole while riding a bus. She noticed that a young man, who was holding on to the same pole, was staring at her. Eventually he said, "Excuse me. This is my stop."
Since she wasn't blocking his way, she was confused. "Well," she said, "go ahead."
"And this is my pole," he said.
The woman was completely perplexed until the young man added, "I just bought it at the hardware store to hold up my shower curtain."
And with that, he picked up his pole and carried it off the bus.
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Re: Friday Jokes

#3244 Post by Sisemen » Sun Aug 25, 2019 8:41 am

Is it just me? Not sure whether the one above is supposed to be a joke or the opening paragraph to Ricardian’s new novel. If it’s a joke could someone please explain? :(

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Re: Friday Jokes

#3245 Post by OFSO » Sun Aug 25, 2019 8:44 am

Two poles on the #73 from Stoke Newington last week. Not in the least amusing.

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Re: Friday Jokes

#3246 Post by Pontius Navigator » Sun Aug 25, 2019 8:51 am

Poles apart?

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Re: Friday Jokes

#3247 Post by 4mastacker » Sun Aug 25, 2019 9:09 am

"We will never surrender".........Winston Churchill.

"I shall return".........Douglas MacArthur.

"Defeat is good!"........Nelson Mandela's chiropodist.
It's always my fault - SWMBO

Capetonian

Re: Friday Jokes

#3248 Post by Capetonian » Sun Aug 25, 2019 9:57 am

Grace Mugape went to the doctor for a checkup. When she got back, Robber asked what the doctor had said :

"Oh he said I am in fine condition for a woman my age, many women younger than me would be happy to be so fit and healthy."
"Ah, that ees good, muh dere, and what did he say about your tight little black ****?"
"Eh no, we didn't talk about you."

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Re: Friday Jokes

#3249 Post by ribrash » Sun Aug 25, 2019 10:33 am

"We will never surrender".........Winston Churchill.
"I shall return".........Douglas MacArthur.
"Defeat is good!"........Nelson Mandela's chiropodist.

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Re: Friday Jokes

#3250 Post by Magnus » Sun Aug 25, 2019 1:38 pm

The curtain pole incident happened to us on the bus back from the big orange DIY store.

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Re: Friday Jokes

#3251 Post by ricardian » Sun Aug 25, 2019 5:25 pm

Dogs prepare you for babies.
Cats prepare you for teenagers.
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Re: Friday Jokes

#3252 Post by Pontius Navigator » Sun Aug 25, 2019 7:49 pm

ribrash wrote:
Sun Aug 25, 2019 10:33 am
"We will never surrender".........Winston Churchill.
"I shall return".........Douglas MacArthur.
"Defeat is good!"........Nelson Mandela's chiropodist.
Repetition on the same page?

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Re: Friday Jokes

#3253 Post by bob2s » Sun Aug 25, 2019 10:29 pm

A man and woman,married but not to each other were assigned the same sleeping berth on the train.After the initial pleasantries they both being very tired,climbed into their bunks ,he on the top and she on the bottom.The man felt cold, and asked the woman if she would pass him up an additional blanket.The woman replied that just for this night they should pretend to be married,to which the man gleefully agreed.Then the" woman said "Good, get your own f---ing blanket" .After a moment silence,he farted.

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Re: Friday Jokes

#3254 Post by Alisoncc » Sun Aug 25, 2019 11:43 pm

Pontius Navigator wrote:
Sun Aug 25, 2019 7:49 pm
Repetition on the same page?
Shhhsh! Not polite to draw attention to members exhibiting senior moments. ;)))
Rev Mother Bene Gesserit.

Sent from my PDP11/05 running RSX-11D via an ASR33 (TTY)

ribrash

Re: Friday Jokes

#3255 Post by ribrash » Mon Aug 26, 2019 9:13 am

Alisoncc wrote:
Sun Aug 25, 2019 11:43 pm
Pontius Navigator wrote:
Sun Aug 25, 2019 7:49 pm
Repetition on the same page?
Shhhsh! Not polite to draw attention to members exhibiting senior moments. ;)))
Oops.

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Re: Friday Jokes

#3256 Post by ricardian » Mon Aug 26, 2019 3:43 pm

Image
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visitstronsay.com
https://www.wunderground.com/forecast/EGER

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Re: Friday Jokes

#3257 Post by ricardian » Mon Aug 26, 2019 8:58 pm

Image
Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
www.stronsaylimpet.co.uk
visitstronsay.com
https://www.wunderground.com/forecast/EGER

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Re: Friday Jokes

#3258 Post by Slasher » Tue Aug 27, 2019 3:06 am

54a816ab-2a72-411c-bc3a-bbdb4006f6d3.jpg

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Re: Friday Jokes

#3259 Post by Pontius Navigator » Tue Aug 27, 2019 10:15 am

Yuk, wrong thread :(

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Re: Friday Jokes

#3260 Post by Boac » Tue Aug 27, 2019 10:20 am

Is that the Chump in drag?

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