Friday Jokes

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Boac
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Re: Friday Jokes

#4421 Post by Boac » Sun Jan 19, 2020 8:22 am

Just make sure their tails hang freely in front of the panel.

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Re: Friday Jokes

#4422 Post by ricardian » Sun Jan 19, 2020 1:37 pm

Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
www.stronsaylimpet.co.uk
visitstronsay.com
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Re: Friday Jokes

#4423 Post by ricardian » Sun Jan 19, 2020 2:54 pm

Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
www.stronsaylimpet.co.uk
visitstronsay.com
https://www.wunderground.com/forecast/EGER

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Re: Friday Jokes

#4424 Post by ricardian » Sun Jan 19, 2020 5:09 pm

My friend went into hospital yesterday to have a mole removed from his penis.
The RSPCA let him off with a caution.
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Re: Friday Jokes

#4425 Post by Boac » Sun Jan 19, 2020 5:42 pm

Reminds me of the guy who broke into a fireworks factory.

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Re: Friday Jokes

#4426 Post by OFSO » Sun Jan 19, 2020 6:00 pm

Oh Ricardian, what WOULD we do without your quips !

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Re: Friday Jokes

#4427 Post by ricardian » Sun Jan 19, 2020 6:56 pm

My parrot had become very obese and yesterday he died.
It was very sad but it was also a weight off my shoulder
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Re: Friday Jokes

#4428 Post by TheGreenGoblin » Sun Jan 19, 2020 7:08 pm

Grammar.JPG
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Though you remain
Convinced
"To be alive
You must have somewhere
To go
Your destination remains
Elusive."

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Re: Friday Jokes

#4429 Post by Capetonian » Sun Jan 19, 2020 7:27 pm

Mote on grammar. Importance of capitals :

"Let's help Uncle jack off his horse"
vs.
"Let's help Uncle Jack off his horse"

Boss to secretary :
"I need to lay you or Jack off."
vs.
"I need to lay you or jack off"

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Re: Friday Jokes

#4430 Post by Slasher » Mon Jan 20, 2020 1:01 am

What’s that up on the road? A head?
What’s that up on the road ahead?

Has anyone seen my cnut?
Has anyone seen Mike Hunt?

Hey...your dick!
Hey...you’re Dick!

Julie gave head. Way beyond reproach.
Julie gave headway beyond reproach.

Jimmy owns a large cock...er...spaniel.
Jimmy owns a large cocker spaniel.

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Re: Friday Jokes

#4431 Post by ricardian » Mon Jan 20, 2020 11:47 am

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Re: Friday Jokes

#4432 Post by ricardian » Mon Jan 20, 2020 1:59 pm

I went to a pub this evening and ordered a pint. As the landlord put my drink down, I asked him for the wifi code because I needed to check a message.
"Oh no" he said, "No wifi in here, people used to sit talking in pubs, about their day, their families, work, politics, music, the lot. Now people just stare at their phones and it breaks my heart to see. Therefore, no wifi in this pub".
"You know what?" I replied, "You're right" and I put my phone away.
"Thank you", the landlord said "In this pub I want you to act as you would twenty years ago".
So I lit a cigarette, gave him 50p for the pint and said "Two can play at that game mate".
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Re: Friday Jokes

#4433 Post by Capetonian » Mon Jan 20, 2020 2:54 pm

I went to a pub and asked if they minded if I used the wifi, but I wasn't eating or drinking.

The barman handed me a long slip of paper that said : buy@****

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Re: Friday Jokes

#4434 Post by ricardian » Mon Jan 20, 2020 6:31 pm

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Re: Friday Jokes

#4435 Post by ricardian » Mon Jan 20, 2020 6:34 pm

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Re: Friday Jokes

#4436 Post by ricardian » Mon Jan 20, 2020 10:31 pm

The light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right thing and stopped at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman behind him was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, giving the guy in front of you the finger and cursing at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally I assumed you had stolen the car."
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Re: Friday Jokes

#4437 Post by Ex-Ascot » Tue Jan 21, 2020 9:31 am

You jest Ricardian about the nurse's uniform. As most of you know and have seen them, Sister Ex-ascot had to make up the below every day from a square of starched linen. Not very practical daily wear for the officers along with the high heeled shoes. On an emergency dash through the hospital she used to just throw it off along with the shoes and then have go to try and find them.
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'Yes, Madam, I am drunk, but in the morning I shall be sober and you will still be ugly.' Sir Winston Churchill.

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Re: Friday Jokes

#4438 Post by Rwy in Sight » Tue Jan 21, 2020 11:42 am

Just the idea of a person with the methodical way of thinking like it is the case of Mrs Ex-A going back and intensively looking for her shoes and the square of linen brought a smile on my face. A positive one

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Re: Friday Jokes

#4439 Post by ricardian » Tue Jan 21, 2020 4:30 pm

Ex-Ascot wrote:
Tue Jan 21, 2020 9:31 am
You jest Ricardian about the nurse's uniform. As most of you know and have seen them, Sister Ex-ascot had to make up the below every day from a square of starched linen. Not very practical daily wear for the officers along with the high heeled shoes. On an emergency dash through the hospital she used to just throw it off along with the shoes and then have go to try and find them.
Yes, I saw those when in SSQ at Cosford 1960. The PMRAFNS sister was a Flight Officer who was accompanied on morning rounds by a male Corporal Technician because both had the same qualifications (SRN).
In the late 1960s I spent a few weeks as an in-patient at HMS Drake (stone frigate, Plymouth) where a similar situation occurred, the QARANC sister was a Lieutenant accompanied by a male PO nursing attendant.
Both PMRAFNS and QARANC sisters had similar highly impractical head dress with a tippet. Not sure whether shoes were heels or flats, I did notice that both sisters wore seamed stockings!
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Re: Friday Jokes

#4440 Post by Ex-Ascot » Tue Jan 21, 2020 4:40 pm

When Sister Ex-Ascot joined up. To be commissioned you had to have a specialist qualification as well as SRN or RGN as it changed to. That could have explained the situations you observed.
'Yes, Madam, I am drunk, but in the morning I shall be sober and you will still be ugly.' Sir Winston Churchill.

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