Friday Jokes

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CharlieOneSix
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Re: Friday Jokes

#4901 Post by CharlieOneSix » Wed Apr 01, 2020 4:48 pm

knitting.JPG
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The helicopter pilots' mantra: If it hasn't gone wrong then it's just about to...
https://www.glenbervie-weather.org

ricardian
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Re: Friday Jokes

#4902 Post by ricardian » Wed Apr 01, 2020 5:40 pm

Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
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Re: Friday Jokes

#4903 Post by ricardian » Wed Apr 01, 2020 6:00 pm

Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
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Re: Friday Jokes

#4904 Post by G-CPTN » Wed Apr 01, 2020 6:24 pm

Keep 'em coming ricardian

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Re: Friday Jokes

#4905 Post by ricardian » Wed Apr 01, 2020 6:30 pm

The crisis has brought disruption to every section of society. From schoolchildren to the elderly, and from the self-employed to the abruptly furloughed, all of us are facing upheaval in our daily lives and anxiety about our futures. However, amid the clamour of appeal for Government support the plight of one group appears to have been cruelly overlooked - criminals.
The Prime Minister may only have announced the nationwide lock-down on Monday night, but already families from across the law-breaking community are feeling the pinch. Burglars, for example, have seen their takings collapse.
“It’s a nightmare,” says Barry Knuckles, president of the National Union of Housebreakers. “Now that the entire population is at home 24 hours a day, it’s impossible to burgle anyone. They’re never out.”
Speaking on the Today programme, Mr Knuckles urged the Government to provide financial support for his members during these tough times. He called on the Chancellor to cover 80 per cent of the value of all the laptops, jewellery and flat-screen TVs that Britain’s burglars would normally have stolen and sold on. So far, however, he has yet to receive a response.
“The political class are completely out of touch with the concerns of decent, hard-working criminals,” he says.
But burglars aren’t the only felons struggling to meet the challenges of the coronavirus age.
“It’s all very well for people who can work from home, like phishing scammers and identity thieves,” says Dave Fingers, chairman of the Association of British Muggers and Bag-Snatchers. “But how are you supposed to pick someone’s pocket from two metres away? Some of our lads have tried using those little hooked rods you get in fairground hook-a-duck games, or those funny reacher-grabber tools that old folk use for picking up stuff they’ve dropped on the floor. But it’s hopeless. The Government’s got to think again.”
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#4906 Post by GrumpyOldFart » Fri Apr 03, 2020 12:19 am

WARNING!!!!

If you get an email with the subject "Knock knock" - DON"T OPEN IT!!!

It's a Jehovah's Witless working from home.
The older I get, the grumpier I get.
I may soon have to start biting people. X(

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Re: Friday Jokes

#4907 Post by ricardian » Fri Apr 03, 2020 9:59 pm

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Re: Friday Jokes

#4908 Post by Cpt_Pugwash » Fri Apr 03, 2020 11:00 pm

Going into the third week of lockdown, and the wife says we should try some games like we used to play before the kids arrived. My suggestion of hide the sausage met a frosty response. :-(

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Re: Friday Jokes

#4909 Post by ricardian » Fri Apr 03, 2020 11:33 pm

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Rwy in Sight
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Re: Friday Jokes

#4910 Post by Rwy in Sight » Sat Apr 04, 2020 6:18 am

It is a joke but it appeared so real as an announcement by the local psychologists society: dear citizens, during the lockdown it is normal to talk to walls, pieces of furniture and animals during the lockdown. You are welcome to contact us if they talk back to you.

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Re: Friday Jokes

#4911 Post by OFSO » Sat Apr 04, 2020 7:57 am

Post 4907 - why are earth wires so often left loose ? Answers on a postcard, please...

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Re: Friday Jokes

#4912 Post by Pontius Navigator » Sat Apr 04, 2020 8:20 am

OFSO wrote:
Sat Apr 04, 2020 7:57 am
Post 4907 - why are earth wires so often left loose ? Answers on a postcard, please...
The easiest way to fix an earth fault?

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Re: Friday Jokes

#4913 Post by ricardian » Sat Apr 04, 2020 9:53 am

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ian16th
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Re: Friday Jokes

#4914 Post by ian16th » Sat Apr 04, 2020 12:39 pm

OFSO wrote:
Sat Apr 04, 2020 7:57 am
Post 4907 - why are earth wires so often left loose ? Answers on a postcard, please...
It prevents earth loops.
o:-)
Cynicism improves with age

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Re: Friday Jokes

#4915 Post by ricardian » Sat Apr 04, 2020 4:49 pm

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Boac
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Re: Friday Jokes

#4916 Post by Boac » Sat Apr 04, 2020 6:01 pm

Is that what we know as 'balling in the hay'?

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Re: Friday Jokes

#4917 Post by PHXPhlyer » Sat Apr 04, 2020 6:03 pm


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Re: Friday Jokes

#4918 Post by PHXPhlyer » Sat Apr 04, 2020 6:05 pm


Boac
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Re: Friday Jokes

#4919 Post by Boac » Sat Apr 04, 2020 7:34 pm

Where did you find that?................

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Re: Friday Jokes

#4920 Post by llondel » Sat Apr 04, 2020 7:43 pm

I cycled over to the shop to get an extra bottle of wine for the lockdown.

After I bought it I put it in my bag and thought, what if I fall off my bike and break it ??
So I opened it and drank it outside the shop.

Good job really as I fell off my bike 7 times on the way home

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