Friday Jokes

[ricardian]

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[ricardian]

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in.

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will open the bonnet and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't, know where to start." We will then drink beer.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).

Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger? I mean, how the heck could he know where we're going?

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex, cars, beer, or football. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it; looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2020, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, cooking, gardening, cleaning, the vacuuming and the dishes. I'll do the rest

[llondel]

Doctors opined on reopening the US. Here's what the experts said:

Allergists were in favour of scratching it, but Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

Obstetricians felt certain everyone was labouring under a misconception, while Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Many Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while Paediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!”

Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.

Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter.”

Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

Anaesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the arseholes in Washington.

[Woody]

There are currently 5 humans outside earths atmosphere, and four of them are Flight Engineers .

[Rossian]

Are they Flight Engineers in the sense that we ancient multi-engine former crews understand "flight engineer" - I'm not sure they are? I'll bet they are not the kind of hairy-arsed chaps who sat behind 2 pilots ready to stop them doing stupid things.

The Ancient Mariner

[Capetonian]

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

A man smelling of booze and cigarettes sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, there was red lipstick on his collar and face and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Tell me Father, do you happen to know what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My son, it's caused by loose living, consorting with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned", then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?

The man answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading that the Pope suffers from it."

MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.

[ricardian]

Inappropriate sign

[ricardian]

The reason why...

[ricardian]

A topical query

[ricardian]

[Magnus]

Eeeeeewww.

[ian16th]

Eeeeeewww.

The punch line used to be:

Thick, Thin and Eeeeeewww!

[ricardian]

Taking things a bit too literally

[ricardian]

Wife of the year!

[FD2]

All that Grolsch - yummy! Hope she doesn't stumble....

[ricardian]

My friend's wife asked him to do something about the creaking stairs. Apparently "Slimmer's World" wasn't the correct answer

[Alisoncc]

positive.jpg (24.15 KiB) Viewed 308 times

[ricardian]

Sign of the times

[ricardian]

How very true

[ricardian]

Helpful librarians of old