Friday Jokes

[Woody]

It’s that hot today I think if Michael Barrymore invited me round for swim I think I’d go!!

[ricardian]

Seems OK

[ricardian]

A man one day visited his friend's home so the two could catch up on what had been happenin in their lives. One night, the two settled in with cognac and cigars by the multi-fuel stove, next to which slept the friend's old hound. After a few minutes the visitor was surprised to hear the hound yelp "I am the world's greatest poker player!"
Convinced the cognac was muddling his senses, the gentleman ignored the hound until startled by the its next proclamation. "I am a personal friend of several Italian football player."
Intrigued, the visitor watched the animal very carefully. The hound stirred in its sleep and made another outlandish statement, "I can outrun a jet airplane!"
Quite sure that the hound was the source of these strange utterances, the man turned to his friend.
"Surely, you've heard your hound saying the most incredible things! I am astounded by his behavior, it's the most extraordinary thing I've ever witnessed. Yet you've never even told me of this ability. Tell me, what do you plan to do about the animal?"
"Oh, nothing," the friend replied. "It's always been my policy to let sleeping dogs lie."

[ricardian]

Appearances can be deceptive

[ricardian]

We're doomed!

[ricardian]

Animal humour

[ricardian]

Every little helps!

[ricardian]

Those interior decorators and their vivid imaginations!

[G-CPTN]

Every little helps!

How does one determine where to aim to get started (delay in turbine generating electric to light lamp)?

[ricardian]

Topical comment

[Alisoncc]

+1 Ric.

[ricardian]

Flat Earth Society strikes again!

[Rossian]

yeah but, no but, yeah but who sez that is the right way up? It's northernhemisphereism
run rampant - there should be a lor agin it - innit!

The Ancient Mariner

[Boac]

Don't ridicule it! There are lots of Flat Earth supporters around the globe.

[Pontius Navigator]

It's why the poles are frozen. The water runs from high to low then runs to the edges. If it didn't freeze the oceans would empty.

Obvious in it

[ricardian]

Canine closet capers

[Fox3WheresMyBanana]

Since we are doing proper science....

ch-dad-sunset.gif (136.77 KiB) Viewed 240 times

[bob2s]

A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps to the operator:" my friend is dead! What can I do"?
The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says: "just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead".
There is a silence, then a shot is heard and the man says "Ok he's dead, what next"?

[bob2s]

A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?"
Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My breasts are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!

[bob2s]

The same old couple from the porridge incident above go spend the weekend at the hotel where they spent their honeymoon

They go for a walk and get to a fence surrounding a field. He says to her remember 50 years ago as you were climbing the fence your dress lifted up and I gave you one from behind.

She says yes - let's do it again.

Afterwards he says - gee you were even more excited than the first time 50 years ago

She says - 50 years ago the f****** fence wasn't electrified