Friday Jokes

[Hydromet]

Little old man & little old lady in a nursing home. Every morning they sit on the verandah in their wheelchairs, with a rug over their laps, enjoying the sunshine. One day, the lady wheels out onto the verandah, only to see the man sitting next to another, younger lady, again with the rug over their laps.
The original lady is quite jealous, and says to the man "What's she got that I haven't?"

"Parkinsons."

[ricardian]

A 79-year-old RAF Veteran is having a drink in in his local pub and reading the newspaper. A gorgeous young woman enters and sits down a few seats away. The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her. After a short while, the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.
Before the RAF veteran has time to apologize, she looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone: "I'll do anything you'd like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game. It will cost you £100, although there's a condition".
Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the RAF veteran puts his mobile down and hesitantly asks her what her condition is… "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The RAF veteran gulps down a mouth full of beer, wonders if he’s got time to change his nappy and takes a moment to consider the offer from this gorgeous woman. He then whips out his wallet and puts £100 in her hand. He then looks her square in the eyes and says slowly and clearly: "Paint my house."

(Our needs change as we get older)

[ricardian]

Wise advice

[G-CPTN]

A blonde was desperate for money...
so she decided to go to the richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs.
At the first house, a man answered the door and told her. 'Yeah, I have a job for you. Could you paint the porch?'
'Sure,' smiled the blonde, 'I'll do it for $100.'
'Great,' the man replied. 'You'll find the paint and stuff you need in the garage.'
The man went back into the house to his wife, who'd been listening. 'A hundred bucks! Does she know it goes all the way around the house?' asked the wife.
'Well, she must. She was standing right on it!' he said.
About 45 minutes later, the blonde knocked on the door. 'I'm all done,' she reported.
The man was amazed. You painted the whole porch?'
'Yeah,' the blonde said. 'I even had some left, so I put on two coats!'
The man reached into his wallet to pay her.
'And by the way,' said the blonde, 'that's not a Porsche. It's a Ferrari.'

[bob2s]

Do you know that 85% of Japanese men have cataracts?

The rest drive Rincolns and Chevrorets.

[Hydromet]

Do you know that 85% of Japanese men have cataracts?

The rest drive Rincolns and Chevrorets.

A few years ago we visited D1 & her hubby in Tokyo. Their apartment overlooked an establishment called "Garage Rats", which seemed to specialise in either selling or renting big American 1950s cars. They employed a few young blokes, presumably to detail the cars, at night. These youngsters seemed to delight in moving the cars around the lot, possibly their only chance to drive this type of car. One night they provided great entertainment by log-jamming the cars, so they couldn't get them back in position. How we laughed.

Garage Rats.jpg (37.74 KiB) Viewed 479 times

[Pontius Navigator]

The United Kingdom Armed Forces explained:

The Royal Navy is the oldest, Mum and Dad made all their parenting mistakes with him. The Army is the middle son, they are the explorers who left home and no one cared. The Royal Marines are the youngest and Mum and Dad let them do whatever they want. They have an inferiority complex due to their small size.

Well, Mum and Dad got a divorce once all the boys had grown up. Mum got remarried to a rich bloke and quickly gave birth to a fourth son, the Royal Air Force. She loves him the most, showers him with the best toys and buys him whatever he wants. When they go on holiday, they fly first class, stay in five star hotels and enjoy the finest meals. The RAF is spoiled rotten and his three older brothers bitterly resent him for this.

Finally there is the RAF Regiment. The RAF Regiment is the rich stepfathers illigitimate son from a fling with a filthy prostitute during the seven year itch. None of the other brothers think or act like he's part of the family and treat him like the unwanted ginger bastard stepchild that nobody wants.

That's the best way to explain the difference between the UK Armed Forces and their internal dynamics to civilians.

[Fox3WheresMyBanana]

Point of order: When the RAF goes on holiday, it has to fly itself

[Boac]

......and in the working part of the RAF, folk do not "fly first class, stay in five star hotels and enjoy the finest meals."

[Fox3WheresMyBanana]

Germans are taking fewer showers in response to energy shortages and the cost of living crisis, it has been revealed.
A poll conducted by INSA on behalf of Bild newspaper finds that almost two thirds of Germans are now taking shorter showers in response to numerous government appeals to do so.

Unfortunately the French do not have this option......
However, the French army is saving on chemical use. All their flags are now in unbleached natural linen, rather than white.

[Ex-Ascot]

......and in the working part of the RAF, folk do not "fly first class, stay in five star hotels and enjoy the finest meals."

Really?

[Ex-Ascot]

The safari manager's business card.

[ricardian]

No flies on this clever chap!

[ricardian]

“I want to apologize to everyone for all the bad puns”
Noah Fence

[ricardian]

You can't ride a bike but you are allowed to injure children & pensionerse

[OFSO]

#8750 Someone trying to usurp my Crown as Chief French Baiter? I inherited it from Capetonian.

[ricardian]

More cute canine capers

[Fox3WheresMyBanana]

#8750 Consider it an homage to your undoubted talents, OFSO!

[Pontius Navigator]

......and in the working part of the RAF, folk do not "fly first class, stay in five star hotels and enjoy the finest meals."

Really?

Best intercontinental jet, the Vulcan, 4-5 hour stages, night stop after every stage or two if you wanted to get to Gan for a long weekend.

[ricardian]

Solitude