Friday Jokes

[G-CPTN]

I have often wondered about that.

[ricardian]

This was seen in Kirkwall harbour quite recently.

[Woody]

[Hydromet]

367447472_3552883001707001_232776355193917196_n.jpg (20.78 KiB) Viewed 1015 times

[bob2s]

https://youtube.com/shorts/wQAOhMOq9Bc?feature=share

[ricardian]

Nurse : "What happened to your fingers ?"
Patient : "You know those TV chefs who cut up vegetables really quickly ?"
Nurse : "Yes ?"
Patient : "I can't do that."

[ricardian]

Unusually named businesses

[ricardian]

Seen another forum, posted by a former RAF erk
So twice a week, usually a Tuesday and Friday, I sit outside my local cafe and treat myself to a Brew (NATO) and an Egg Banjo with brown sauce. It’s located directly opposite a pay and display car park. I never buy a ticket.
So my ‘Sports Afternoon’ is spent waiting for the traffic warden to come round and whilst they are in the process of issuing a ticket, i pay for my parking via the Ringo App. The crushing look of disappointment as they realise, just before they issue the ticket is Frigging Epic!
I‘ve been doing this for about 6 weeks now. I think even the most reckless of base jumper would struggle to match the level of adrenaline my sport gives me.

[Woody]

[ricardian]

Woman on the phone to her mother: "When are these kids going to be less needy?"
Her mother: "Well, you're in your mid 30s on the phone with me so..."

[Pontius Navigator]

Woman on the phone to her mother: "When are these kids going to be less needy?"
Her mother: "Well, you're in your mid 30s on the phone with me so..."

At age 50 it reverses

[ricardian]

Here's a truly groan-worthy joke!

Two boys who keep ants as pets are chatting.
Boy 1 "I've got some ants."
Boy 2 "Yeah, but my ants are taller than yours."
Boy 1 "Well, I've got a tube of glue."
Boy 2 "And I've got a full tin of glue."
Boy 1 "I've got some bread."
Boy 2 "Argh, you win! I can't handle that with my glue tin 'n taller ants."

[Karearea]

^
*sigh*

[Archer]

Top 10 jokes of the 2023 Fringe

• I started dating a zookeeper, but it turned out he was a cheetah - Lorna Rose Treen
• The most British thing I've ever heard? A lady who said 'Well I'm sorry, but I don't apologise.' - Liz Guterbock
• Last year I had a great joke about inflation. But it's hardly worth it now - Amos Gill
• When women gossip we get called bitchy; but when men do it's called a podcast - Sikisa
• I thought I'd start off with a joke about The Titanic - just to break the ice - Masai Graham
• How do coeliac Germans greet each other? Gluten tag - Frank Lavender
• My friend got locked in a coffee place overnight. Now he only ever goes into Starbucks, not the rivals. He's Costa-phobic - Roger Swift
• I entered the 'How not to surrender' competition and I won hands down - Bennett Arron
• Nationwide must have looked pretty silly when they opened their first branch - William Stone
• My grandma describes herself as being in her "twilight years" which I love because they're great films - Daniel Foxx

[ricardian]

It is rumoured that Walmart had to recall 50,000 milk cartons from their stores. The labels on the cartons have now been changed from "Open here" to "Open at home".

[ricardian]

My friend's wife got stung on the forehead by a bee. She's at the ER now, her face is so swollen and bruised, she almost died. Luckily my friend was close enough to hit the bee with his shovel.

[Pontius Navigator]

"Alexa, tell me a poem about beans”

Beans beans beans jumping up and down again
Beans beans beans ....

Apologies to Rudyard

[ricardian]

Wind chimes are made from the metallic bones of robots that tried but failed to overthrow us. Hang them outside your house as a warning to others.

[ricardian]

I've finally finished writing my book on penguins. On sober reflection I should have used paper.

[Karearea]

A cat has two Lap settings:

1. You attempted to shift your leg, but I am the weight of 10,000 dying suns, and I will not be moved.
You will perish here.

2. You moved your ankle 1/10000th of an inch. I am leaving immediately. You've offended not only me but my ancestors.