Friday Jokes

[ricardian]

Ah sori tumas Ricardian, Mi no savvi.

Recent legislation in Wales has turned 30 mph limits into 20 mph limits

[OFSO]

Ewe don't say!

[ricardian]

Bill: Every morning I take my cow on a long walk through the local vineyard.
Eric: You don't mean...
Bill: Yes, I herd it through the grapevine!

[Karearea]

^

[ricardian]

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
2. To me, "drink responsibly" means "don't spill it".
3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 35 years ago.
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."
19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people "the police".
21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb."

[PHXPhlyer]

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
2. To me, "drink responsibly" means "don't spill it".
3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 35 years ago.
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."
19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people "the police".
21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb."

Why is this in the Jokes Thread?

PP

[Hydromet]

^Re 1. I find that when one door closes, another one shuts.

[bob2s]

Went to the supermarket this morning and watched a guy buy a pinata, some paella and a sombrero. I thought to myself -- Hispanic buying.

[barkingmad]

Caution, be advised, this post contains implications of gratuitous violence;

[Hydromet]

380651762_6779608175425227_937354472940243043_n.jpg (31.63 KiB) Viewed 857 times

[Hydromet]

381406856_6779596352093076_506234529634330054_n.jpg (28.98 KiB) Viewed 856 times

[ricardian]

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing. A sign read:
"Don't Miss The Amazing Italian". The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, under The Big Top, in the centre ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Italian.
Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge you know what and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause and the elderly Italian was carried off on their shoulders.
Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town, found the same circus and saw the same faded sign that read, "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian". He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act!
He bought a ticket. Again, the center ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Italian stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing 'you know what'.
The crowd went wild! Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show. "You're incredible!" he told the Italian, "but I have to know something. I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
"Well," said the Italian, "My eyes aren't what they used to be"

[ricardian]

The Dead Horse Theory (first seen many years ago when I first joined the Civil Service!).
The tribal wisdom of the Plains Indians,passed on from generation to generation, says that "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount."
However, in government, more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.
5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
6. Reclassifying the dead horse as just being "living-impaired".
7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.
10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.
11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries a lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
And, of course...
13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.
All the above fit a government’s approach to problems and have been seen in action over the last few years.

[OFSO]

Excellent.

[ricardian]

Sometimes graphic designers should take a closer look at their work

[Boac]

I larfed so much I just did.

[Woody]

Sometimes graphic designers should take a closer look at their work

[ricardian]

Sometimes graphic designers should take a closer look at their work

Some designers cannot even produce a simple greetings card:

[ricardian]

Cowboys in the Wild West used to hang lanterns on their saddles at night to help them to find their way home. They called it saddle light navigation.

[bob2s]

I called my Internet provider today and when the guy answered I handed the phone over to my 10 month old grandson. After a minute I took the phone back and said "Hello". he replied, "Sorry I didn't understand a word of that"

I replied "That's what it was like when you put me through to your call centre in India last week."