Friday Jokes

[Woody]

[ricardian]

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous Destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop: 'I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer.'
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were off!
About a month later the little old lady came in to the agency. 'And how did you like your holiday?' he asked eagerly.
'The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,' she said. 'I've come to thank you but, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old man that I had to share the room with?'

[ricardian]

My friend told his 5 yr old daughter that when she lies her eyes turn a different colour. Now she squeezes her eyes shut every time she lies which has made the her job a whole lot easier!

[ricardian]

Three old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home when an old Grandpa walked by.
One of the old Grandmas yelled out, 'Hey, we bet we can tell exactly how old you are!'
The old man said, 'There is no way you can guess my age!’
One of the Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and undershorts and we can tell your exact age.'
Embarrassed, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and then jump up and down several times.
Determined to prove them wrong, he did it.
Then they all said in unison, 'You're 87-years-old!'
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in the world did you guess my age?'
Slapping their knees, high-fiving, and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily crowed.....
'We were at your birthday party yesterday!'

[ricardian]

Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected.

[ricardian]

They start 'em young up here!

[ricardian]

Blindingly obvious observation #2,323,342:
Records show that Julius Caesar never once said "thank you" in his life. This most likely to be due to the fact that he couldn't speak English.

[Fox3WheresMyBanana]

People whose parents didn't speak English

dr-whet-faartz.jpg (174.94 KiB) Viewed 2568 times

[ricardian]

My new car has a button for almost everything you can think of, there's even one marked "rear wiper" but I'm still too afraid to try that one

[ricardian]

The Eternal Shoppling List argument...

[FD2]

Special Spreads.jpg (78.05 KiB) Viewed 2445 times

[Fox3WheresMyBanana]

Right up there with the Mitsubishi Pajero

..which was rapidly renamed the Montero for the Americas market, since Pajero is Spanish slang for W@nker.

[Alisoncc]

Reminds me of when I was working for Tektronix. We did a range of TV studio and transmission test equipment. Released a new product - a Vertical Interval Test Signal generator VITS, which apparently is quite rude in France.

[ricardian]

A seasonal offering:

[PHXPhlyer]

Don't tell my mother that I am a pilot.
She thinks I play piano in a brothel.

PP

[Opsboi]

Reminds me of when I was working for Tektronix. We did a range of TV studio and transmission test equipment. Released a new product - a Vertical Interval Test Signal generator VITS, which apparently is quite rude in France.

Wasn't Tektronix in GCI up by the airport?

[Opsboi]

Reminds me of when I was working for Tektronix. We did a range of TV studio and transmission test equipment. Released a new product - a Vertical Interval Test Signal generator VITS, which apparently is quite rude in France.

Wasn't Tektronix in GCI up by the airport?

No, never mind

[Woody]

Why are the pyramids in Egypt?

Because they are too big to fit in the British Museum.

[ricardian]

[ricardian]