Friday Jokes

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Opsboi
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Re: Friday Jokes

#9001 Post by Opsboi » Fri Sep 23, 2022 5:49 pm

llondel wrote:
Fri Sep 23, 2022 5:40 pm
I before E except after "Old MacDonald had a farm".
"Old MacDonald was dyslexic, XRPIB"

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Re: Friday Jokes

#9002 Post by OFSO » Fri Sep 23, 2022 6:39 pm

Your Bishop is showing....

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Re: Friday Jokes

#9003 Post by Opsboi » Fri Sep 23, 2022 6:40 pm

OFSO wrote:
Fri Sep 23, 2022 6:39 pm
Starts next Friday. Jan is the only exhibitor, show devoted to her.
I don't get it

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Re: Friday Jokes

#9004 Post by OFSO » Fri Sep 23, 2022 6:43 pm

Another message crept in there. Disregard please.

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Re: Friday Jokes

#9005 Post by Karearea » Sat Sep 24, 2022 12:32 am

I before E except after C.

Unless eight feisty and caffeinated neighbours seize your beige sleigh filled with counterfeit freight, while veiled foreign weightlifters leisurely ride away on the reindeer.
And with the morn, those angel faces smile...

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Re: Friday Jokes

#9006 Post by ricardian » Sun Sep 25, 2022 6:33 pm

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Re: Friday Jokes

#9007 Post by ribrash » Mon Sep 26, 2022 9:52 am

So I was in a shoe shop this morning trying on a shoe.I said to the assistant " Its too tight " She said " try it with the tongue out " I said " it,th nho ghood,it,th thill too twght "

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Re: Friday Jokes

#9008 Post by Ex-Ascot » Mon Sep 26, 2022 10:01 am

I have seen these before, apologies if it was here. These are actual statements in American courts.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you **** me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
'Yes, Madam, I am drunk, but in the morning I shall be sober and you will still be ugly.' Sir Winston Churchill.

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Re: Friday Jokes

#9009 Post by PHXPhlyer » Mon Sep 26, 2022 2:47 pm

Ex-A:
Could you please supply an equivalent from British courts for a comparison of British legal standards? :D

PP

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Re: Friday Jokes

#9010 Post by Ex-Ascot » Mon Sep 26, 2022 3:40 pm

PHXPhlyer wrote:
Mon Sep 26, 2022 2:47 pm
Ex-A:
Could you please supply an equivalent from British courts for a comparison of British legal standards? :D

PP
How about Botswana courts. We have been through a lot of this recently. Cross examination by the guilty bastards. 'Do you know what a face is'. 'You say the computer is silver/grey. Is it silver or grey. Ask HP says Mrs Ex-Ascot they call it silver/grey. Was it a case of beer or a crate of beer? They are both the same. No was it a case or a crate? And so it went on.
'Yes, Madam, I am drunk, but in the morning I shall be sober and you will still be ugly.' Sir Winston Churchill.

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Re: Friday Jokes

#9011 Post by TheGreenAnger » Mon Sep 26, 2022 3:53 pm

PHXPhlyer wrote:
Mon Sep 26, 2022 2:47 pm
Ex-A:
Could you please supply an equivalent from British courts for a comparison of British legal standards? :D

PP
There is the old English judge, of the old school, many of whose dwindling number are still stuck in the 15th century, joke!

"Reminds me of the High Court Judge sitting in a Court far away from London, reaching the end of the case and realising that he has left all of his notes and preparation for delivery of his imminent judgment back at his London home. He mentions this dilemma, and someone helpfully suggests, “Fax it up, m’lord” – to which the Judge sadly responds, “yes, I’m afraid it rather does!”

I guess if you told this joke to the average youth they wouldn't know what a fax is! =))
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Re: Friday Jokes

#9012 Post by G-CPTN » Mon Sep 26, 2022 4:23 pm

TheGreenAnger wrote:
Mon Sep 26, 2022 3:53 pm


I guess if you told this joke to the average youth they wouldn't know what a fax is! =))
Indeed - I was talking about Telex the other day and there was no recognition, so I suggested 'similar to a fax - still no recognition.

A local acquaintance, a retired history teacher, was giving an illustrated talk to sixth-form high school students using slides - they had never seen a slide projector!

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Re: Friday Jokes

#9013 Post by VP959 » Mon Sep 26, 2022 4:47 pm

G-CPTN wrote:
Mon Sep 26, 2022 4:23 pm
TheGreenAnger wrote:
Mon Sep 26, 2022 3:53 pm


I guess if you told this joke to the average youth they wouldn't know what a fax is! =))
Indeed - I was talking about Telex the other day and there was no recognition, so I suggested 'similar to a fax - still no recognition.

A local acquaintance, a retired history teacher, was giving an illustrated talk to sixth-form high school students using slides - they had never seen a slide projector!
Professor Sir Chris Whitty must have confused millions with his catchphrase during the pandemic presentations from Downing street, broadcast here very regularly. That catchphrase of his has made it on to novelty mugs:
Image

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Re: Friday Jokes

#9014 Post by llondel » Mon Sep 26, 2022 5:35 pm

G-CPTN wrote:
Mon Sep 26, 2022 4:23 pm
TheGreenAnger wrote:
Mon Sep 26, 2022 3:53 pm


I guess if you told this joke to the average youth they wouldn't know what a fax is! =))
Indeed - I was talking about Telex the other day and there was no recognition, so I suggested 'similar to a fax - still no recognition.

A local acquaintance, a retired history teacher, was giving an illustrated talk to sixth-form high school students using slides - they had never seen a slide projector!
Then there's the overhead projector too, something else that's probably a bit rare now.

I remember removing the fuse from a slide projector once. I was nice enough to hand said fuse to someone I knew was going to be in the next class, but it didn't get me out of a detention for doing the initial deed.

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Re: Friday Jokes

#9015 Post by ricardian » Mon Sep 26, 2022 9:44 pm

TheGreenAnger wrote:
Mon Sep 26, 2022 3:53 pm
There is the old English judge, of the old school, many of whose dwindling number are still stuck in the 15th century, joke!
"Reminds me of the High Court Judge sitting in a Court far away from London, reaching the end of the case and realising that he has left all of his notes and preparation for delivery of his imminent judgment back at his London home. He mentions this dilemma, and someone helpfully suggests, “Fax it up, m’lord” – to which the Judge sadly responds, “yes, I’m afraid it rather does!”
I guess if you told this joke to the average youth they wouldn't know what a fax is! =))
Deaf judge to accused: "What have you to say for yourself my man?"
Accused (muttering): "F*ck all!"
Deaf judge: "What did he say?"
Clerk to the court: "He said 'f*ck all' m'lord."
Deaf judge: "Are you sure? I could have sworn that he said something."
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Re: Friday Jokes

#9016 Post by llondel » Mon Sep 26, 2022 10:02 pm

If you've got two women pilots, should the room at the front be renamed from "cockpit" to "clitpit"?

It would make it fairly hijack-proof because male hijackers would never be able to find it.

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Re: Friday Jokes

#9017 Post by llondel » Tue Sep 27, 2022 8:55 pm

The compiler of the Times crossword has died...

May he "erect a penis".

ETA: Breaking news, they intend to bury him six down, two across.

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Re: Friday Jokes

#9018 Post by ExSp33db1rd » Tue Sep 27, 2022 11:07 pm

I was talking about Telex the other day and there was no recognition, so I suggested 'similar to a fax - still no recognition.
Have mentioned before so won't repeat the circumstances, but have recently been asked by local "Yoofs" What's a Sextant ? and What's a Slide Rule ?

And present Yoof think they are very smart using abbreviations in iPhone text messages, but a million years ago, sending Telex messages that were charged by the number of characters used, we learned the same sort of "shorthand".

Remember the Post Office delivering Telegrams ? Or Farthings ? Electric cars ? Remember milk floats ?

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Re: Friday Jokes

#9019 Post by Hydromet » Wed Sep 28, 2022 2:23 am

ExSp33db1rd wrote:
Tue Sep 27, 2022 11:07 pm
I was talking about Telex the other day and there was no recognition, so I suggested 'similar to a fax - still no recognition.
Have mentioned before so won't repeat the circumstances, but have recently been asked by local "Yoofs" What's a Sextant ? and What's a Slide Rule ?

And present Yoof think they are very smart using abbreviations in iPhone text messages, but a million years ago, sending Telex messages that were charged by the number of characters used, we learned the same sort of "*****".

Remember the Post Office delivering Telegrams ? Or Farthings ? Electric cars ? Remember milk floats ?
Remember 'telegraphic addresses' for organisations that received a lot of telexes and telegrams. Two that I remember from more than 50 years ago are 'WATCOM 21188' and 'AQUARIUS', both water organisations.

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Re: Friday Jokes

#9020 Post by ricardian » Wed Sep 28, 2022 8:25 pm

To kill a French Vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
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