Friday Jokes

[ricardian]

Apologies for aviation content

[ricardian]

Some folk are always criticising

[llondel]

[PHXPhlyer]

All anti-vaxxers should be given a shot!

PP

[Hydromet]

[Woody]

[EA01]

Ha ha ha .....

[Pontius Navigator]

I had to be the observing officer when HM Customs cleared a 'deep sea box' from someone returning from a tour in the USA. His 'friends' did the final packing and despatch.
I don't know the target for their joke but the success must have passed their expectations. Under a copy of Playboy was a red white and blue willy warmer, and so it went on.
Not being a Roman Catholic I did not feel bound by an oath of silence.

[Boac]

There are rumours that when you ask an RN pilot about the recent F-35 crash you just get a blank look.

[Hydromet]

Mrs Hydro nearly broke her knitting needles, she laughed so hard!

[Boac]

They're too big anyway........................

[ricardian]

Have found a plumber who works around the clock!

[EA01]

Yeah....true that

[Pontius Navigator]

Black joke there EA even if it was hansom.

[EA01]

????

I just saw it this arvy, and took a photo on the phone and the only way I know how to post it here (?)

[Alisoncc]

drink.jpg (50.66 KiB) Viewed 496 times

[ricardian]

BMW driver seeks diagnostic assistance

[OFSO]

A Jew, a Hindu and a Frenchman are seeking shelter on a dark rainswept cold night. The only inn they can find is full, but the landlord says they can kip down in the barn round the back. The Jew goes to investigate, but in a minute there's a knock on the door, he's back, saying there is a pig in the barn, an unclean animal, and he cannot possibly sleep there. The Hindu goes to look, but knock on the door, a sacred animal, a cow, is in the barn, and he cannot possibly sleep there. Leave it to me, says the Frenchman, and off he goes. A minute later there is a knock on the door, and there stand the pig and the cow.

[bob2s]

Zen Thoughts For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like............night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers
4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
6. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
7. He who laughs last............................................th inks slowest.
8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
9. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
10. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have (hey Lexx)
11. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
12. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
13. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
14. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? ! Raise my hand...
15. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
18. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
19. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
20. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
21. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
23. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
24. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
25. Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
26. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright

[bob2s]

Another Guide to Zen





Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just ################ off and leave me alone.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.
The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when you aren't getting any.
Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Remember, no-one is listening until you fart.
Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments
Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Have you ever lent someone $20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreen.
Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
Good judgment comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgment.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our arse. From there on in, life gets worse
The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.