Friday Jokes

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ricardian
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Re: Friday Jokes

#7361 Post by ricardian » Sat Jul 17, 2021 3:15 pm

Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
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Re: Friday Jokes

#7362 Post by Boac » Sat Jul 17, 2021 3:21 pm

The good thing about the Secretary of State for International Trade (Liz Truss) is that I have always welcomed her support.

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Re: Friday Jokes

#7363 Post by ricardian » Sat Jul 17, 2021 5:01 pm

Boac wrote:
Sat Jul 17, 2021 3:21 pm
The good thing about the Secretary of State for International Trade (Liz Truss) is that I have always welcomed her support.
Thank you for your support, I will always wear it...
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Re: Friday Jokes

#7364 Post by ricardian » Sat Jul 17, 2021 5:02 pm

Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
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Re: Friday Jokes

#7365 Post by ricardian » Sun Jul 18, 2021 11:07 pm

Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
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Re: Friday Jokes

#7366 Post by Alisoncc » Sun Jul 18, 2021 11:33 pm

pfizer.jpg
Rev Mother Bene Gesserit.

Sent from my PDP11/05 running RSX-11D via an ASR33 (TTY)

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Re: Friday Jokes

#7367 Post by Stoneboat » Mon Jul 19, 2021 3:11 am

Alisoncc wrote:
Sun Jul 18, 2021 11:33 pm
pfizer.jpg
But if your arm remains stiff for more than four hours, you should visit your local emergency medical clinic.

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Re: Friday Jokes

#7368 Post by ricardian » Mon Jul 19, 2021 7:04 am

A gentleman one day visited his friend's country estate so the two could catch up in leisure. Retiring to the smoking room one night, the two settled in for cognac and cigars by the fire, next to which slept the friend's old hound. After a few minutes the gentleman was surprised to hear the hound yelp "I am the world's greatest poker player!"
Convinced the cognac was muddling his senses, the gentleman ignored the hound until startled by the dog's next proclamation.
"I am personal friends with several Italian football players," he barked.
Quite perturbed, the gentleman began to scrutinize the animal in earnest. The hound seemed to stir and again made an outlandish statement, bellowing, "I can outrun a jet airplane!"
Certain this time that the hound was the source of these strange pronouncements, the gentleman turned to his friend.
"Surely, you've heard your hound saying the most incredible things! I am astounded by his behavior, it's the most extraordinary thing I've ever witnessed. Yet you've never even told me of this ability. Tell me, what do you plan to do about the animal?"
"Oh, nothing," the friend replied. "It's been ever my policy to let sleeping dogs lie."
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Re: Friday Jokes

#7369 Post by Boac » Mon Jul 19, 2021 7:55 am

............... "Oh, just ignore him - he's a liar"

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Re: Friday Jokes

#7370 Post by ricardian » Mon Jul 19, 2021 1:15 pm

I found a Scottish £50 note in a Kirkwall car park. I thought to myself "What would Jesus do?"
So I turned it into wine...
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Re: Friday Jokes

#7371 Post by OFSO » Mon Jul 19, 2021 2:14 pm

If you like a whine, you should be drinking Red Bull. (Apologies for the Formula One reference).

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Re: Friday Jokes

#7372 Post by llondel » Mon Jul 19, 2021 3:27 pm

OFSO wrote:
Mon Jul 19, 2021 2:14 pm
If you like a whine, you should be drinking Red Bull. (Apologies for the Formula One reference).
That just gives you wings, which can be used to burst tyres.

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Re: Friday Jokes

#7373 Post by ricardian » Mon Jul 19, 2021 8:35 pm

Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
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Re: Friday Jokes

#7374 Post by PHXPhlyer » Mon Jul 19, 2021 9:14 pm

ricardian wrote:
Mon Jul 19, 2021 8:35 pm
A sign for our times
After it is used against you. :))

PP

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Re: Friday Jokes

#7375 Post by ricardian » Wed Jul 21, 2021 10:46 am

Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
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Re: Friday Jokes

#7376 Post by FD2 » Wed Jul 21, 2021 11:15 am

IMG-20210721-WA0000.jpg

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Re: Friday Jokes

#7377 Post by llondel » Wed Jul 21, 2021 1:14 pm

Not sure whether this goes here or in the Blue Origin thread.
bezos.jpg

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Re: Friday Jokes

#7378 Post by Boac » Wed Jul 21, 2021 2:32 pm

"Can you hear me?" said Bojo in a Zoom PMQ today with a few tech issues.

"Yes", said The Speaker, "but I'm prepared to change places with someone who cannot"

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Re: Friday Jokes

#7379 Post by ricardian » Wed Jul 21, 2021 5:17 pm

Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
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Re: Friday Jokes

#7380 Post by ricardian » Thu Jul 22, 2021 6:06 am

A 77-year-old RAF Veteran is having a drink in in his local pub when a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away. The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her. After a short while, the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.
Before the RAF veteran has time to apologize, she looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone: "I'll do anything you'd like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game. It will cost you £100, although there's a condition".
Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the RAF veteran puts his mobile down and hesitantly asks her what her condition is to which she replies "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.
The RAF veteran gulps down a mouth full of beer and takes a moment to consider the offer from this gorgeous woman. He then whips out his wallet and puts £100 in her hand. He then looks her square in the eyes and says slowly and clearly: "Paint my house."

(Our needs change as we get older)
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