Friday Jokes
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- Chief Pilot
- Posts: 5989
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Re: Friday Jokes
Basic wedding etiquette!
Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
www.stronsaylimpet.co.uk
visitstronsay.com
https://www.wunderground.com/forecast/EGER
www.stronsaylimpet.co.uk
visitstronsay.com
https://www.wunderground.com/forecast/EGER
- unifoxos
- Capt
- Posts: 960
- Joined: Mon Aug 31, 2015 10:36 am
- Location: Twycross Zoo, or thereabouts
- Gender:
- Age: 78
Re: Friday Jokes
A while back a friend invited me to his third wedding. I wasn't going to be able to make it due to an already-booked holiday so I had to refuse, but said I would go to the divorce instead.
Fortunately he understands my sense of humour.
Fortunately he understands my sense of humour.
Sent from my tatty old Windoze PC.
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- Chief Pilot
- Posts: 14669
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- Age: 81
Re: Friday Jokes
I think that post above should be confined to the Men Only section and not to be revealed.
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- Chief Pilot
- Posts: 5989
- Joined: Sat Aug 22, 2015 10:08 pm
- Location: 59°09N 002°38W
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- Age: 80
Re: Friday Jokes
Wish me luck with the London Marathon this Sunday!
Last year I managed 4 hours, 12 mins, 9 seconds.
This year I'm going to try and beat that
........ but I usually get bored and switch over to another TV channel
Last year I managed 4 hours, 12 mins, 9 seconds.
This year I'm going to try and beat that
........ but I usually get bored and switch over to another TV channel
Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
www.stronsaylimpet.co.uk
visitstronsay.com
https://www.wunderground.com/forecast/EGER
www.stronsaylimpet.co.uk
visitstronsay.com
https://www.wunderground.com/forecast/EGER
Re: Friday Jokes
Yes. We should have a Men Only subforum. Then we can freely talk without gettin' the wimmin upset or finding out our secret bloke stuff.Pontius Navigator wrote: ↑Sat Apr 27, 2019 1:11 pmI think that post above should be confined to the Men Only section and not to be revealed.
Hang on...
We already got one.
The Sick Joke thread.
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- Chief Pilot
- Posts: 5989
- Joined: Sat Aug 22, 2015 10:08 pm
- Location: 59°09N 002°38W
- Gender:
- Age: 80
Re: Friday Jokes
Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
www.stronsaylimpet.co.uk
visitstronsay.com
https://www.wunderground.com/forecast/EGER
www.stronsaylimpet.co.uk
visitstronsay.com
https://www.wunderground.com/forecast/EGER
-
- Chief Pilot
- Posts: 5989
- Joined: Sat Aug 22, 2015 10:08 pm
- Location: 59°09N 002°38W
- Gender:
- Age: 80
Re: Friday Jokes
Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
www.stronsaylimpet.co.uk
visitstronsay.com
https://www.wunderground.com/forecast/EGER
www.stronsaylimpet.co.uk
visitstronsay.com
https://www.wunderground.com/forecast/EGER
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- Chief Pilot
- Posts: 5989
- Joined: Sat Aug 22, 2015 10:08 pm
- Location: 59°09N 002°38W
- Gender:
- Age: 80
Re: Friday Jokes
Condoms do NOT guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband
Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
www.stronsaylimpet.co.uk
visitstronsay.com
https://www.wunderground.com/forecast/EGER
www.stronsaylimpet.co.uk
visitstronsay.com
https://www.wunderground.com/forecast/EGER
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- Chief Pilot
- Posts: 14669
- Joined: Fri Jul 07, 2017 8:17 am
- Location: Gravity be the clue
- Gender:
- Age: 81
Re: Friday Jokes
Gently swimming in the Indian Ocean, as you do, one of the Arab beach guards was walking along the shore line with a board and shouting Arks, Arks.
Thought he was selling iced lollies with the way people were running towards him
Thought he was selling iced lollies with the way people were running towards him
- Fox3WheresMyBanana
- Chief Pilot
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- Location: Great White North
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- Age: 61
Re: Friday Jokes
If you are planning on joining the Army, do not name your dog 'Fire'
or even 'Five'. Firing countdowns omit this number.
or even 'Five'. Firing countdowns omit this number.
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- Chief Pilot
- Posts: 5989
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- Location: 59°09N 002°38W
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- Age: 80
Re: Friday Jokes
A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet . As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs.
The sign says: "'SEX FROGS' Only $20 each! Comes with complete instructions."
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!' As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions!'
The blonde nods, grabs the box , and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Take off all your clothes.
4. Sit on bed and spread your legs and frog will do the rest.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions please call the pet store.'
So, she calls the pet store. The man says, 'I'll be right over.'
Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and and gets on her bed and places the frog in front of her and nothing happens, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!'
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly in its eyes and STERNLY says: ' LISTEN TO ME! I'm only going to show you how to do this ONE ..MORE ...TIME!'
The sign says: "'SEX FROGS' Only $20 each! Comes with complete instructions."
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!' As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions!'
The blonde nods, grabs the box , and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Take off all your clothes.
4. Sit on bed and spread your legs and frog will do the rest.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions please call the pet store.'
So, she calls the pet store. The man says, 'I'll be right over.'
Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and and gets on her bed and places the frog in front of her and nothing happens, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!'
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly in its eyes and STERNLY says: ' LISTEN TO ME! I'm only going to show you how to do this ONE ..MORE ...TIME!'
Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
www.stronsaylimpet.co.uk
visitstronsay.com
https://www.wunderground.com/forecast/EGER
www.stronsaylimpet.co.uk
visitstronsay.com
https://www.wunderground.com/forecast/EGER
Re: Friday Jokes
World's Shortest Books from a slightly right wing friend! Apologies for the formatting.
MY BLACK GIRLFRIENDS
By Tiger Woods
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
By Jane Fonda
& Michelle Obama
Illustrated by Michael Moore
Foreword by George Soros
______________________________ __________
MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS
& HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
By "The Rev Jesse Jackson"
& "The Rev Al Sharpton"
______________________________ ________
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
By Hillary Clinton
_________________
Sequel: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill Clinton
_________________
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
By Bill Gates
______________________________ ______
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
By Dennis Rodman
______________________________ ___
THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE
By Al Gore & John Kerry
______________________________ _______
HOW TO LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST
By Dr. Jack Kevorkian
______________________________ ____
TO ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED BEFORE
By Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnell
__________________
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
By Mike Tyson
______________________________ ____
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
______________________________ _________
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
By O. J. Simpson
______________________________ ___________
HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE SAFELY
By Ted Kennedy
________
MY BOOK ON MORALS
By Bill Clinton
With introduction by
The Rev. Jesse Jackson
And foreword by
Tiger Woods with John Edwards
______________________________ _____________________
HOW TO WIN A SUPER BOWL
By The Minnesota Vikings
______________________________ _____________________
AND, JUST ADDED:
My Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy
By Nancy Pelosi
______________________________ ____________
And the shortest book of all....
THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE
By Barack Obama
Re: Friday Jokes
HOW TO PAY FOR THE NEW GREEN DEAL
A realistic accounting budget and monetary plan
By Alexandria Ocasio Cortez
________________________
MY TOTAL HONESTY IN POLITICS
By Hillary Clinton
_________________________
HOW TEXAS LOVES SOCIALISTS
_________________________
ALL THAT IS GOOD WITH THE EU
By Nigel Farage
__________________________
SMALL BREASTS ARE APPEALING
By Rod K Slasher
Forward by Runway In Sight
___________________________
WHY THE FRENCH SHOULD BE LOVED
By Cape Tonian
Introduction by Sqn Ldr Ex-Ascot
____________________________
REASONS WHY TRUMP IS A BEAUTIFUL MAN
By Boac
____________________________
I CAPITALISM
By Jeremy Corbyn
and Diane Abbot
____________________________
INTERESTING NIGHT FLIGHTS TO CAIRO
By Rod K Slasher
_____________________________
ISLAM: WHY I LOATHE IT
By Ilhan Omar
Also available by the same author
WHY I LOVE THE JEWISH PEOPLE
_____________________________
STRONG DECISIVE LEADERSHIP: HOW I DO IT
By Theresa May
_____________________________
THE POSITIVES OF MACRON
- The Yellow Brigade Group
_____________________________
CLIMATE CHANGE - THE PRAGMATIC MATH AND SCIENCE EXPLAINED
- Extinction Rebellion
_____________________________
MY CLIMATOLOGY DOCTORATE AND ENVIRONMENTAL PHYSICS DEGREE
- Greta Thornberg
_____________________________
A realistic accounting budget and monetary plan
By Alexandria Ocasio Cortez
________________________
MY TOTAL HONESTY IN POLITICS
By Hillary Clinton
_________________________
HOW TEXAS LOVES SOCIALISTS
_________________________
ALL THAT IS GOOD WITH THE EU
By Nigel Farage
__________________________
SMALL BREASTS ARE APPEALING
By Rod K Slasher
Forward by Runway In Sight
___________________________
WHY THE FRENCH SHOULD BE LOVED
By Cape Tonian
Introduction by Sqn Ldr Ex-Ascot
____________________________
REASONS WHY TRUMP IS A BEAUTIFUL MAN
By Boac
____________________________
I CAPITALISM
By Jeremy Corbyn
and Diane Abbot
____________________________
INTERESTING NIGHT FLIGHTS TO CAIRO
By Rod K Slasher
_____________________________
ISLAM: WHY I LOATHE IT
By Ilhan Omar
Also available by the same author
WHY I LOVE THE JEWISH PEOPLE
_____________________________
STRONG DECISIVE LEADERSHIP: HOW I DO IT
By Theresa May
_____________________________
THE POSITIVES OF MACRON
- The Yellow Brigade Group
_____________________________
CLIMATE CHANGE - THE PRAGMATIC MATH AND SCIENCE EXPLAINED
- Extinction Rebellion
_____________________________
MY CLIMATOLOGY DOCTORATE AND ENVIRONMENTAL PHYSICS DEGREE
- Greta Thornberg
_____________________________
Re: Friday Jokes
One to amuse the Aussies:
https://www.tvnz.co.nz/one-news/enterta ... and-accent
Suxy eccint, as good as the fush n chups here, eh?
These actors just can't pull it off can they, eh?
https://www.tvnz.co.nz/one-news/enterta ... rtist-says
One of the highlights of our first meal with friends here was being invited to check out his 'dick'. Took Mrs FD2 back a little , until it she realised it was a deck inspection...
https://www.tvnz.co.nz/one-news/enterta ... and-accent
Suxy eccint, as good as the fush n chups here, eh?
These actors just can't pull it off can they, eh?
https://www.tvnz.co.nz/one-news/enterta ... rtist-says
One of the highlights of our first meal with friends here was being invited to check out his 'dick'. Took Mrs FD2 back a little , until it she realised it was a deck inspection...
Re: Friday Jokes
Antonio Giovinazzi (during a RC car challenge):- "Did you see my wheelie?"
Re: Friday Jokes
Why is that headline upside-down?