Friday Jokes

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Fox3WheresMyBanana
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Re: Friday Jokes

#2701 Post by Fox3WheresMyBanana » Tue May 07, 2019 7:50 pm

Q: What do you get if you cross an estate agent with a reptile...

...oh sorry, that's not a cross, is it?

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Re: Friday Jokes

#2702 Post by ricardian » Fri May 10, 2019 3:09 pm

A young country lad was obsessed with Tractors.
He ate, slept and drank Tractors and spent most days on the farm, dreaming about them.
His father was very concerned about this and confided to the local bar owner, that he was worried that his son wasn't interested in girls, or going out or having a drink. It was just Tractors!
The bar owner agreed to take him on as a glass-collector, just to get him away from the farm life.
So next day, the lad showed up and started collecting glasses. He did this for two weeks and his father tells the bar owner, "He hasn't mentioned a Tractor since, thank God!"
One night while at work, a fire started and the whole bar filled with thick smoke.
The people started to panic, when suddenly the young lad opened his mouth and sucked in all the smoke, ran outside and blew it all out.
He repeated this several times, until the bar became empty of smoke.
Everyone was amazed and the bar owner asked him, "How on earth did you do that?"
"T'was no bother," said the young lad....
"I'm an EX-TRACTOR FAN!"
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Re: Friday Jokes

#2703 Post by Hydromet » Sat May 11, 2019 2:34 am

I'll put that one in the Dad joke file, Ricardian...never to be used in adult company.

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Re: Friday Jokes

#2704 Post by FD2 » Sat May 11, 2019 5:24 am

One for the 1st April?



the letter.jpg

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Re: Friday Jokes

#2705 Post by ricardian » Sat May 11, 2019 10:04 am

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Re: Friday Jokes

#2706 Post by ricardian » Sat May 11, 2019 12:16 pm

Farmer John once lived on a quiet rural State highway, but as time went by, the traffic slowly built up and eventually got so heavy and so fast that his free-range Chickens were being run over, at a rate of three to six a week.
So Farmer John called the local police station to complain, "You've got to do something about all these people driving so fast and killing all my chickens," he said to the local police officer.
"What do you want me to do?" asked the policeman.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day the policeman had the Council erect a sign that said:
SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later, Farmer John called the policeman and said, "You've still got to do something about these drivers. The ‘school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster!"
So again, they put up a new sign:
SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.
That really sped them up. So Farmer John called again and said, "Your signs are no good. Can I put up my own sign?"
In order to get Farmer John off his back, said "Sure. Put up your own sign."
The phone calls to the police station stopped, but curiosity got the better of the Officer, so he called Farmer John, “How’s the problem with the speeding drivers. Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did and not one chicken has been killed."
The policeman was really curious by now and thought he'd better go out and take a look at the sign. He also thought the sign might be something that the Police could use elsewhere, to slow drivers down..
So he drove out to Farmer John's place....

'NUDIST COLONY'
'Slow Down & Watch Out For Chicks!'
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Re: Friday Jokes

#2707 Post by Sisemen » Sat May 11, 2019 3:21 pm

Amelup, Western Australia on the tourist road to the Stirling Ranges

Imageh

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Re: Friday Jokes

#2708 Post by ricardian » Sat May 11, 2019 6:00 pm

The coach called one of his 9-year-old football players aside and asked, "Do you understand what co-operation is? What a team is?"
"Yes, coach", replied the boy.
"Do you understand that what matters is we win or lose as a team?"
The boy nodded so the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an offside is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a dick-head, jerk-face or a-hole. Do you understand all that?"
Again, the boy nodded yes.
"And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumb ass or shithead is it?"
"No, coach."
"Good," said the coach, "Now go over there and explain all that to your Grandmother"
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Re: Friday Jokes

#2709 Post by ricardian » Sat May 11, 2019 8:09 pm

"You'll be fine," the Doctor said as he visited the young woman on the ward after her surgery.
The young woman asked, "Thanks Doctor, how long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again Doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause and his face reddened as a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye.
The woman was alarmed. "What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied, "Yes, you'll be just fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."
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Re: Friday Jokes

#2710 Post by ricardian » Sat May 11, 2019 9:42 pm

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Re: Friday Jokes

#2711 Post by ricardian » Sun May 12, 2019 5:22 am

While on vacation in Spain with my wife. I I started to feel funny. I had some pain in my chest and felt short of breath. I chalked it up to the long day we had just had, but I continued to feel worse. As we got out of the taxi and walked into the hotel, I collapsed.
It became apparent to my wife and I that I was having a heart attack. I thought for sure I would die because the nearest hospital was 1/2 hour away. Suddenly from the back room came a woman wielding defibrillators. She shouted to the other staff to help and they ripped off my shirt and restarted my heart right there in the hotel.
The ambulance arrived 20 minutes later, but thanks to this amazing woman my life had been saved. I spent the night in the hospital but I got out around noon the next day. I went back to the hotel to thank this woman.
I said, “I’m amazed that a hotel this small has a full time doctor as skilled as yourself!”
She replied, "No one expects the Spanish Inn Physician"
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Re: Friday Jokes

#2712 Post by Rossian » Sun May 12, 2019 12:56 pm

I don't know where the hell you find all these jokes Ricardian - but I do enjoy them.
That last one evinced a deep and long groan from Madame "where did you get that? Ops Normal I suppose".

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Re: Friday Jokes

#2713 Post by k3k3 » Sun May 12, 2019 3:51 pm

Ricardian, that one really did make me laugh out loud.

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Re: Friday Jokes

#2714 Post by ricardian » Sun May 12, 2019 6:02 pm

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Re: Friday Jokes

#2715 Post by ricardian » Sun May 12, 2019 7:18 pm

A Silly Poem
by Spike Milligan

Said Hamlet to Ophelia,
I'll draw a sketch of thee.
What kind of pencil shall I use?
2B or not 2B?
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Re: Friday Jokes

#2716 Post by ricardian » Sun May 12, 2019 7:49 pm

One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge, strange-looking fish. A man was walking by and said, "Wow! What a nice Gauddam Fish!" The sister said, "Sir, you shouldn't use God's name in vain." The man said, "But that's the species of the fish - a Gauddam Fish." The sister said, "Oh, okay."
The Sister took the fish back home and said, "Mother Superior, look at the Gauddam Fish I caught." Shocked, the Mother Superior said, "Sister, you know better than that." The nun said, "That's the species of it - a Gauddam Fish." So, the Mother Superior said, "Well, give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll clean it."
While she was cleaning the fish, Monsignor walked in and Mother Superior said, "Monsignor, look at the Gauddam Fish that the sister caught." Nearly fainting, Monsignor said, "Mother Superior, you shouldn't talk like that!"
Mother Superior said, "But that's the species of it - a Gauddam Fish." Monsignor said, "Well give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll cook it." That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he said, "Wow, what a nice fish." In reply, the sister said, "Thank you, I caught the Gauddam Fish." And Mother Superior said, "I cleaned the Gauddam Fish." And Monsignor said, "I cooked the Gauddam Fish."
The new priest looked around in disbelief, quite shocked, and said, "I think I'm going to like this f%$@# ing place!"
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Re: Friday Jokes

#2717 Post by G-CPTN » Sun May 12, 2019 10:25 pm

I know a similar tale of clergy and a bloody steak.
The punchline is when the bishop agrees to have "a bloody steak and some fkcing chips"

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Re: Friday Jokes

#2718 Post by ricardian » Mon May 13, 2019 3:34 am

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Re: Friday Jokes

#2719 Post by unifoxos » Mon May 13, 2019 6:38 am

Following on the religious theme, a trainee nun was sent out into the garden to keep the birds off the new plants. After a while her supervisor went out to check on her and found her chasing the birds off shouting "Fcuk Off!" at them.
The sister was appalled and immediately told her to stop shouting that. She told the novice that instead she should shout "Shoo, Shoo" at them, and told her "That will make them fcuk off".
Sent from my tatty old Windoze PC.

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Re: Friday Jokes

#2720 Post by ricardian » Mon May 13, 2019 9:46 pm

Peewee's mother and father took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.”
The next morning when Peewee arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
“Wow mum!” he exclaimed, “Just for me?”
“Just take two,”his mother replied. “The rest are for your father.”
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