Friday Jokes

[1DC]

Our Samsung washing machine plays that tune but the Samsung dryer plays a different tune.

[Karearea]

My grandad patented a cold air balloon system but it never really took off.

[OFSO]

The creepy one was the Zanussi dishwasher that opened the door when it was finished. We never got used to it.....

[Hydromet]

All modern machines do SOMETHING to indicate they have finished...

Except ours. The one it replaced gave a single beep - perfect. The current one gives an inaccurate countdown, the last minute lasts about 5 minutes.

Clear blue sky today, currently 12c, forecast max 19c.

[bob2s]

All modern machines do SOMETHING to indicate they have finished...

Here is my LG end song.

[Karearea]

My Maytag merely surges briskly to a stop and - stops.

[Fox3WheresMyBanana]

My wife, at the last moment, decided to pop off her panties and bent over to drop them in the washer too.
I was so overcome with lust I took her there and then.

We were nearly arrested!

We must get our own washing machine and stop using the launderette.

[Hydromet]

352793514_3502901856705116_6560657346531985535_n.jpg (45.75 KiB) Viewed 873 times

[Woody]

Boris nominating his hairdresser for an honour is like Pontypandy Fire Service recommending Norman Price for a Fire Safety Awareness Award.

[ricardian]

I was going to post a time-travel joke but nobody liked it.

[ricardian]

A man was driving along a rural road one day when he saw a three legged chicken running down the road. He was amused enough to drive alongside it for a while, as he was driving he noticed the chicken was running 30 mph. "Pretty fast chicken", he thought, "I wonder just how fast it can run?"
So he sped up and the chicken did too! They were now moving along the road at 45 mph! The man in the car sped up again, to his surprise the chicken was still running ahead of him at 60 mph!!!
Suddenly the chicken turned off the road and ran down a long driveway leading to a farmhouse. The man followed the chicken to the house and saw a man in the yard with dozens of three legged chickens. The man in the car called out to the farmer "How did you get all these three legged chickens?"
The farmer replied, "I breed 'em. Ya see it's me, my wife and my son living here and we all like to eat the chicken leg. Since a chicken only has two legs, I started breeding this three legged variety so we could all eat our favourite piece."
"That's amazing!" said the driver "How do they taste?"
"Don't rightly know, I ain't caught one yet!"

[ricardian]

A nun was sitting at the airport, waiting for her flight to Chicago.
She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune and thought to herself, "I'll give it a try and see what it tells me."
She went over to the machine, stepped up on the scale and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, "You are a nun. You weigh 128 lbs, and you are going to Chicago."
The Nun sat back down and told herself that the machine probably gives the same card to everyone. The more she thught about it, the more curious she got so she decided to try it again. She went back to the machine and again put her nickel in. Out came a card that read: "You are a Nun. You weigh 128 lbs. You are going to Chicago and you are going to play a fiddle."
The Nun says to herself, "I know that is wrong. I have never played a musical instrument even once in my life." She sat back down.
From out of nowhere a cowboy came over and sat down, putting his fiddle case on the seat between them. Without thinking, she opened the cowboy's case, took out the fiddle, and started playing beautiful music.
Surprised at what she had done, she looked over at the machine, thinking "this is incredible. I've got to try this again."
Back to the machine she went, put in another nickel, and another card came out. It read, "You are a Nun. You weigh 128 lbs. You are going to Chicago and you are going to break wind." Now she knows the machine is wrong as she thought to herself "I've never broken wind in public a single time in my life." But getting down off the machine she slipped, and as she was straining to keep herself from falling to the floor, she broke wind.
Absolutely stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly remarkable. I've got to try this again."
She went back to the machine, put in another nickel, and another card came out. It read, "You are a Nun. You weigh 128 lbs. You have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago."

[Ex-Ascot]

Nutmeg's owl'

[OneHungLow]

[ricardian]

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship, unfortunately, sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it... with the parrot.
They stared at each other with utter hatred but did not say a word. This went on for a day, then 2 days and then 3 days. Finally, on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said "OK, I give up. Where's the fuc***ng ship?"

[llondel]

When my friend Joyce learned she could clone herself, she rejoiced.

[Fox3WheresMyBanana]

How to fix your Comcast Internet...



Why yes, I too have been let down by Comcast. How did you guess?

[barkingmad]

Diverted from the Ryr sacked captain thread, here are some pensive moments;

Do you remember the “ I used to think ...........until I discovered Smirnoff “ adverts ?

Here are some that they didn’t use.

I used to think that Hertz Van Rental was a Dutch Footballer until I discovered Smirnoff

I used to think Muffin the Mule was a sexual offense until I discovered Smirnoff

I used to think Cunnilingus was an Irish Airline until I discovered Smirnoff

I used to think Kendo Nagasaki was a Welsh motorbike until I discovered Smirnoff

I used to think that Wan King was a town in China until I discovered Smirnoff

I used to think that an Itchyfanny was an Italian motor scooter until I discovered Smirnoff

I used to think that The Kama Sutra was an Indian restaurant until I discovered Smirnoff

You can see why they dropped the adverts.

[Opsboi]

Diverted from the Ryr sacked captain thread, here are some pensive moments;

Do you remember the “ I used to think ...........until I discovered Smirnoff “ adverts ?

Here are some that they didn’t use.

I used to think that Hertz Van Rental was a Dutch Footballer until I discovered Smirnoff

I used to think Muffin the Mule was a sexual offense until I discovered Smirnoff

I used to think Cunnilingus was an Irish Airline until I discovered Smirnoff

I used to think Kendo Nagasaki was a Welsh motorbike until I discovered Smirnoff

I used to think that Wan King was a town in China until I discovered Smirnoff

I used to think that an Itchyfanny was an Italian motor scooter until I discovered Smirnoff

I used to think that The Kama Sutra was an Indian restaurant until I discovered Smirnoff

You can see why they dropped the adverts.

I used to work at Y&R, the agency responsible for the campaign

A personal favourite was "I used to think **** all was a stately home until I opened my Y&R payslip"

[OneHungLow]

Only an Australian could make a Smirnoff joke out of this...



Two laconic larrikins...