Friday Jokes

[ricardian]

UK military procurement system simplified:
"So, RAF wants to buy a dog for 50 quid. MOD says no, not when we can buy a cat for 30. MOD goes ahead and purchases a cat. After years of field trials, it is decided that the cat cannot perform the function of a dog. RAF says look, we can still get a dog for 50 quid, it's all good. MOD says no, we've already got the cat, and we can retrofit it out to perform the function of a dog for only 45 quid! That’s still cheaper than the dog! MOD kit the cat out, and with a lot of screaming and shouting, the cat almost passes the tests. MOD decide to lower the standard of the test because it is unfair on the cat, who is feeling belittled because it is expected to pass the dog test. MOD hire a cat specialist for 30 quid to design a testing process for the cat. Once the testing process is tailored to suit the cat, it passes with flying colours! MOD supply RAF with the upgraded cat. Once in use, RAF discovers that the cat is not functional as a dog and demands a dog. MOD have no money left to purchase a dog after project cat blew out the budget, and RAF has no choice but to put up with the cat."

[tango15]

This is so close to the truth that it is frightening, as anyone who has had the misfortune to deal with Abbey Wood will confirm

[Woody]

Like to air this one every year

[Archer]

This is so close to the truth that it is frightening, as anyone who has had the misfortune to deal with Abbey Wood will confirm

You can remove 'UK' from that joke and substitute 'Government' for 'Military'. Works everywhere!

DeadHorseTheory_.jpg (254.08 KiB) Viewed 1012 times

[llondel]

It's actually bad luck to say MacBook inside an office. You have to call it "The Scottish Laptop".

[Hydromet]

339098150_1642976729463297_5182780479238689259_n.jpg (79.07 KiB) Viewed 940 times

[ricardian]

Volkswagen Italy did not think this through, their Instagram handle is "volkswagenitalia"

[OFSO]

Willy Rushton drew a cartoon showing two gentleman, one is saying "I hear JB's flying Genitalia' and the other replies " My God, it must be a fearsomd sound! "

(From memory, it's years since I saw it).

[Ex-Ascot]

Game

[Woody]

[ricardian]

A's for arthritis.
B's the bad back.
C's for the chest pains (perhaps car-di-ac?).
D is for dental - decay and decline.
E is for eyesight - can't read that top line!
F is for farting and fluid retention.
G is for gut droop, which I'd rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure - I'd rather it low.
I's for incisions - with scars you can show.
J is for joints - out of socket, won't mend.
K is for knees, that crack when they bend.
L's for libido - what happened to sex?
M is for memory - I forget what comes next!
N is neuralgia - in nerves way down low.
O is for osteo' - bones that don't grow!
P's for prescriptions - I have quite a few.
Just give me more pills - I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy - is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux - one meal becomes two!
S is for sleepless - nights counting my fears.
T is for Tinnitus - bells ring in my ears!
U is for urinary - troubles with flow.
V for vertigo - that's 'dizzy' you know.
W's for worry - now what's going 'round?
X is for X ray - and what might be found.
Y's for another year I'm left here behind.
Z is for zest - that I still have (in my mind)..!

[PHXPhlyer]

Ricardian nailed it except for the thread location.
Not a joke!

PP

[ricardian]

A Scottish couple on holiday in America were out golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball dinna knock oot any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."
The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."
They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh, yeah. Sorry aboot at," the husband replied.
"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes -- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."
"OK, great!" the husband said. "I want a million quid a year for the rest oh ma life."
"No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.
"I want a hoose in every country oh e world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie replied.
"You know what, genie, maybe we can repay you by making one of YOUR wishes come true... what's your wish, genie?" the husband said.
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot oh money and all those hooses, honey. I guess I don't care."
The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.
After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"
"35," she replied.
"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing!"

[G-CPTN]

The version I knew was all male.

[Karearea]

Meme:

" Everyone needs a
friend who they
probably shouldn't
be allowed to sit
next to at a serious
function. "

[Ex-Ascot]

Another.

[4mastacker]

Jesus walks into a hotel in Jerusalem at the start of Easter, goes to reception, throws some nails on the counter and says "Can you put me up for the weekend?"

[Woody]

I’m sure that Fox 3 knows that it’s International Beaver Day, which gives me an excuse for this

[ricardian]

(seen on another forum)
I got cut up by a taxi driver last week, almost caused an accident. The driver gave me the finger as he drove away.
I was walking through town today and I recognised the taxi driver at the back of the queue at the taxi rank. Revenge on my mind, I got in the first taxi in the queue and said, “How much to the station?”
“£5” he replied.
“And how much for a blow job?”
“I’m not having any of that,” he said, “Get out of my cab!”
I got in the 2nd taxi and said “How much to the station?”
“£5” he replied.
“And how much for a blow job?”
“That’s disgusting” he said, “Get out!”
I worked my way down the line, getting thrown out of each taxi in turn, until I came to my target at the back of the queue.
“How much to the station?”
“£5” he replied.
“OK, let’s go.”
As we pulled out and overtook the other taxis I wound the window down and gave all the other drivers a thumbs up with a big grin on my face.

[barkingmad]

FukUshima? Just to make the searches easier for those who are following the disaster...

Not to be confused with;

https://www.economist.com/by-invitation ... n-hegemony