Friday Jokes

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Capetonian

Re: Friday Jokes

#4681 Post by Capetonian » Sun Feb 23, 2020 7:13 pm

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to an attractive blonde. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading, taking swigs from the bottle of gin as he did so.

After a few minutes he turned to the blonde, hicupped, belched in her face, and held up the bottle of gin to offer her a swig. Recoiling, she declined.
After he'd done this several times, he said :
"I suppose a blowjob's out of the question then, you stuck-up bitch?"

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Re: Friday Jokes

#4682 Post by ricardian » Sun Feb 23, 2020 8:39 pm

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Re: Friday Jokes

#4683 Post by Boac » Sun Feb 23, 2020 8:42 pm

..........I'm thinking..........

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Re: Friday Jokes

#4684 Post by bob2s » Sun Feb 23, 2020 9:15 pm

"Late again!" the third-grade teacher sternly said to little Robbie.
"It ain't my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this 'un on my Daddy.The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"
Miss Russell had taught grammar school for 30-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Robbie what he meant by that.
Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Robbie and trouble were old friends but he always told the truth.
"You see, Miss Russell, out at the farm we got this here low down fox. The last few nights, he done ate six hens. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his double barreled shot gun and said to my Ma, "That fox is back again... I'm a gonna git him!''
"Stay back," Daddy whispered to all us kids!
"My Daddy was naked as a jaybird -- no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double-barrelled 12-gauge shotgun through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with a fox on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip, had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his cold nose in my Daddy's crack!"
"Miss Russell, we all been pluckin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin!"

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Re: Friday Jokes

#4685 Post by ricardian » Sun Feb 23, 2020 9:47 pm

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Re: Friday Jokes

#4686 Post by tango15 » Mon Feb 24, 2020 12:01 am

ricardian wrote:
Sun Feb 23, 2020 8:39 pm
Is there a demand for this ?
This reminds of the 60s joke about the Englishman who goes to Spain for the first time. The first morning in the hotel, he requests an English breakfast; there is the usual bacon, sausage and egg, but additionally there are two sizeable meatballs. The Englishman tries them and finds then quite tasty. When the waiter arrives to take his plate, he asks about them. "We call sweetbread", replies the waiter. You enjoy zees?" The Englishman asks for an explanation and the waiter explains, "Ees ze balls of ze bull señor - you like I bring each day?"
"Yes," replies the Englishman, and the sweetbreads duly appear each morning at breakfast, until on the last day, the sweetbreads are there, but much smaller than usual. The Englishman eats them, but when the waiter arrives to take away the plate, he asks the waiter why they are smaller than usual. The waiter answers with a shrug, "Sometimes the bull señor, he ween."

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Re: Friday Jokes

#4687 Post by ricardian » Mon Feb 24, 2020 2:20 am

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.
"What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
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Re: Friday Jokes

#4688 Post by ricardian » Mon Feb 24, 2020 8:18 pm

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Re: Friday Jokes

#4689 Post by ricardian » Mon Feb 24, 2020 8:38 pm

Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
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visitstronsay.com
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Re: Friday Jokes

#4690 Post by Boac » Mon Feb 24, 2020 10:27 pm

Charles.png
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Re: Friday Jokes

#4691 Post by ricardian » Tue Feb 25, 2020 7:59 pm

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Re: Friday Jokes

#4692 Post by bob2s » Tue Feb 25, 2020 11:36 pm

A drunk gets up from the bar stool and heads
for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender knocks on the bathroom door and says, "What's all the
screaming about in there, you're scaring the hell out of the
customers!"

"It's your toilet," slurs the drunk, " every time I try to flush,
something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts!"
Bartender peeks inside and says, "You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

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Re: Friday Jokes

#4693 Post by ricardian » Wed Feb 26, 2020 6:20 am

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Re: Friday Jokes

#4694 Post by ricardian » Wed Feb 26, 2020 1:58 pm

Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
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visitstronsay.com
https://www.wunderground.com/forecast/EGER

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Re: Friday Jokes

#4695 Post by ricardian » Wed Feb 26, 2020 9:04 pm

Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
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visitstronsay.com
https://www.wunderground.com/forecast/EGER

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Re: Friday Jokes

#4696 Post by ricardian » Thu Feb 27, 2020 2:22 pm

Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
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Re: Friday Jokes

#4697 Post by ricardian » Thu Feb 27, 2020 3:03 pm

Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
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Re: Friday Jokes

#4698 Post by FD2 » Fri Feb 28, 2020 5:09 am

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and 'on heat,' agreed to look after her neighbour's male dog while the neighbours were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.

However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as sometimes happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. After she had explained the problem to him, the vet said,

"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you really think that will work?" she asked.

"Just worked for me," he replied.

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Re: Friday Jokes

#4699 Post by Pontius Navigator » Fri Feb 28, 2020 8:57 am

The old ones are the best. How you tell 'em I guess😆

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Re: Friday Jokes

#4700 Post by FD2 » Fri Feb 28, 2020 9:47 am

The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk.

The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask their wise rabbi, what to do. They told the rabbi what was happening. “Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side.”

The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, “Did you buy this cow from Minsk?”

The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they had bought the cow. “You are truly a wise rabbi,” they said. “How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?”

The rabbi answered sadly, “My wife is from Minsk.”

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