Friday Jokes

[Fox3WheresMyBanana]

[ricardian]

If you lose one sense then one of your other senses will be enhanced.
That is why people with no sense of humour have a heightened sense of self-importance.

[OneHungLow]

[Woody]

[Ex-Ascot]

Another one.

[OFSO]

My UK phone has just announced a Catalan test of the emergency alert system.

[bob2s]

The police just pulled me over and said, "Papers?"
I replied with "Scissors, I win!" and drove off.
I think he wants a rematch - he's been chasing me for 45 minutes!

[Fox3WheresMyBanana]

Rock on!

[ricardian]

Every dead body on Mount Everest was once a highly motivated individual so maybe all these "motivational speakers" should back off a bit?

[bob2s]

Every time I told Dad jokes, he laughed.

[Fox3WheresMyBanana]

Iceberg off Newfoundland,

photographed by a man from Dildo, NL

[Hydromet]

Iceberg off Newfoundland,

photographed by a man from Dildo, NL

iceberg.jpg

That would be cold comfort.

[Fox3WheresMyBanana]

If you know your Newfie geography, you wouldn't want it in Cupid's Cove. It probably won't end up in Heart's Delight or Conception Harbour either, nor Come By Chance, but maybe Blow Me Down.

[Pontius Navigator]

Bob and his wife started dieting a week ago.

Bobs wife proposed that they should have a cheat day .

She brought home McDonald's and KFC wings. Bob brought home his secretary.

From his hospital bed, Bob is wondering when men will ever begin to understand women !

[Woody]

[ricardian]

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to​ him.
"You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance​ money!"
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,​ “Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the​ insurance money!"
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the​ ashes she said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too,​ with the insurance money!"
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Remember that​ blow job I promised you? Here it comes."

[ricardian]

If I ran NASA it would be mandatory for the ground crew to be dressed as apes when the space shuttle lands.

[Hydromet]

A dog and a cat were having an argument about who is the favourite of humans.The dog says, “Humans like us more. They even named a tooth (canine) after us. Naming such an important body part after us shows that they like us more.”
The cat smiles and says, “You’re not really going to win this one you know.”

[EA01]

I'm gunna get banned for this??...I Hope not!! Australian irreverance at its finest...

[ricardian]

"Have you ever seen twenty pounds all crumpled up?" the woman asked her husband.
"No" said her husband.
She gave him a sweet sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra and pulled out a crumpled twenty pound note.
He took the crumpled twenty pound note from her and smiled approvingly.
"Have you ever seen fifty pounds all crumpled up?" she then asked her husband?
"No, no, I haven't" he said (with an enjoyable and somewhat amorous tone in his voice).
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt and seductively reached into her tight, sheer knickers... and pulled out a crumpled fifty pound note.
He took the crumpled fifty pound note and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
"Now" she said leaning in to him all seductively, "Have you ever seen £10,000 all crumpled up?"
"No, never" he said (while becoming even more aroused and so very excited).
"Well... she said, "then go look in the garage!"