Friday Jokes

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Fox3WheresMyBanana
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Re: Friday Jokes

#9741 Post by Fox3WheresMyBanana » Sat May 13, 2023 7:33 pm

Approximately 43 microseconds after the Google AI manages to translate Geordie, the planet will be annihilated in a nuclear holocaust, as foretold in 'Terminator 2'.
Fortunately, that's probably a good million years in the future ... pet ;)))

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Re: Friday Jokes

#9742 Post by bob2s » Sat May 13, 2023 11:58 pm

A rich man driving a Mercedes stopped and picked up a hitchhiker, after a bit of small talk the hitchhiker asked what was the 3-point star on the bonnet for,
the driver said that he hated bike riders and that was his sight to line up bike riders before he knocked them off their bike. The driver said that if they saw
a bike rider he would show him, about a minute later the hitchhiker spotted a bike ahead and asked the driver to show him how the sight worked.The driver sensing the hitchhiker was a bit dumb, lined up the rider in the emblem, and just as he was about to hit the rider he swerved around the rider, this
was accompanied by a loud bang, "what the hell was that asked the driver" to which the hitchhiker said, "if had not opened the door you would have missed the bastard"

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Re: Friday Jokes

#9743 Post by Ex-Ascot » Sun May 14, 2023 6:14 am

I was half way through typing that I didn't understand it then got it.
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Re: Friday Jokes

#9744 Post by tango15 » Sun May 14, 2023 9:20 am

Fox3WheresMyBanana wrote:
Sat May 13, 2023 7:33 pm
Approximately 43 microseconds after the Google AI manages to translate Geordie, the planet will be annihilated in a nuclear holocaust, as foretold in 'Terminator 2'.
Fortunately, that's probably a good million years in the future ... pet ;)))
...which reminded me of this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HbDnxzrbxn4

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Re: Friday Jokes

#9745 Post by Hydromet » Sun May 14, 2023 9:28 am

^Never gets old.

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Re: Friday Jokes

#9746 Post by Woody » Sun May 14, 2023 11:59 am

When all else fails, read the instructions.

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Re: Friday Jokes

#9747 Post by ricardian » Sun May 14, 2023 12:10 pm

PHXPhlyer wrote:
Sat May 13, 2023 6:41 pm
ricardian wrote:
Sat May 13, 2023 9:33 am
Comment from an American visitor in the UK:
Good grief, they eat panda sausages in London! I was in a butcher's shop in south London and the lady in front of me bought two.
? :-? :-??
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two panda sausages = two pahndsa sausages = two pounds of sausages
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Re: Friday Jokes

#9748 Post by ricardian » Sun May 14, 2023 1:20 pm

My friend was writing a condolence card when her 5 yr old son asked what she was doing.
"I'm writing a not to say how sorry I am that my friend's mother died." she replied.
Her son paused for a moment then asked, very tentatively, "That's just to be kind, right? You're not the one who did it?"
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Re: Friday Jokes

#9749 Post by ricardian » Sun May 14, 2023 6:34 pm

My mate and his new girlfriend were travelling to meet his parents when she got a flat tyre.
He called his parents and said "Sorry mum, we're going to be late because my girlfriend's got a puncture."
"Oh dear!", sighed his mother, "I thought you had a real one this time."
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Re: Friday Jokes

#9750 Post by llondel » Mon May 15, 2023 11:21 pm

I've just finished reading a book about the world's greatest basement.

It was a best cellar.

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Re: Friday Jokes

#9751 Post by Hydromet » Tue May 16, 2023 2:15 am

346814287_940328267186865_8279501266674290174_n.jpg

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Re: Friday Jokes

#9752 Post by ricardian » Tue May 16, 2023 6:09 pm

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub...
The doorman stops them and says sorry I cant let you in without a Thai.
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Re: Friday Jokes

#9753 Post by Fox3WheresMyBanana » Tue May 16, 2023 6:14 pm

=)) =))

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Re: Friday Jokes

#9754 Post by PHXPhlyer » Tue May 16, 2023 6:20 pm

What's really needed is an "Audio Emoji".
Rim shot
Sad trombone
ETC

The above gets my vote for a rim shot! :))

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Re: Friday Jokes

#9755 Post by OFSO » Tue May 16, 2023 7:49 pm

A Hindu, a Jew and Frenchman are travelling late at night and in pouring rain seek accommodation at the only village inn. The landlord says the inn is fully booked but if they like, they can sleep in the barn out the back. The Hindu says "wait in here I'll go and see what it's like.. " A minute later, a knock on the door, the Hindu appears and says "I can't possibly sleep in the barn, there's a cow in there, sacred to my religion". Having no objection to cows, the Jew disappears next to try the barn. A minute later, a knock on the door. " I can't possibly sleep in there, there's a pig, abhorrent to my religion". "Zut alors" says the Frenchman, "I have no problem wiv ze smelly animals" and off he goes.
A minute later, there's a knock on the door. There stand the cow and the pig....

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Re: Friday Jokes

#9756 Post by CharlieOneSix » Tue May 16, 2023 8:55 pm

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!" says the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me" replied the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "Now what?" responds the patron.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me" replied the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball, he measures everything first!"
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Re: Friday Jokes

#9757 Post by ricardian » Wed May 17, 2023 5:47 pm

Roses are red,
roses are blue,
depending on their velocity
relative to you.
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Re: Friday Jokes

#9758 Post by OFSO » Wed May 17, 2023 6:34 pm

Ricardian, that is brilliant.

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Re: Friday Jokes

#9759 Post by Fox3WheresMyBanana » Wed May 17, 2023 6:41 pm

+1 !
Will steal that for use if I ever teach any more physics

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Re: Friday Jokes

#9760 Post by Karearea » Thu May 18, 2023 3:03 am

Close to Guy Gibson's house is the home of Britain's first ever dental hygienist. A plaque was removed in her honour.
And with the morn, those angel faces smile...

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