Friday Jokes

[bob2s]

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd
eventually find me attractive.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand
for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small
donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a
glass of water.

I changed my password to "incorrect" so whenever I
forget it the computer will say, "Your password is incorrect."
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I'm great at multi-tasking--I can waste time, be
unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in
mind to blame.

Never tell your problems to anyone, because 20 percent
don't care and the other 80 percent are glad you have them.

Doesn't expecting the unexpected mean that the
unexpected is actually expected?

Take my advice — I'm not using it.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.

I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves
sound perspicacious.

Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like
they're at home when you wish they were.

Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it
in like a computer.

I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all
it's been doing is gathering dust.

Every time someone comes up with a foolproof solution, along
comes a more-talented fool.

I'll bet you $4,567 you can't guess how much I owe
my bookie.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have
trouble putting on your pants.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me
at kick boxing.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

When I married Mr. Right, I had no idea his first name was
Always.

My wife got 8 out 10 on her driver's test--the other two
guys managed to jump out of her way.

There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still
looking.

Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than
men spend thinking.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the
do-it-yourself type.

I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had
one.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you
don't have to mow it.

I like long walks, especially when they're taken by
people who annoy me.

I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I
couldn't find it.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for
you.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?

Money is the root of all wealth.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be
stationery.

[Boac]

Thanks, bob - some good new ones there (for me).

[ricardian]

When burying victims always cover the site with plants from endangered species so that it is illegal to dig them up

[EA01]

My friend Jack claims he can communicate with vegetables......Jack and the Beans talk...

[Ex-Ascot]

Excellent Bob thank you.

[ribrash]

It's so hot today, I've seen 7 ants spontaneously combust.
You will need a magnifying glass to see it happening tho!!

[Boac]

RSPC 'A' will be onto you.........................

[llondel]

Is that the Royal Society for the Proper Charring of Ants?

[bob2s]

Subject: Fw: Don't blame me, blame the virus

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin.3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!
Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC van. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."Blow that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

The wife was counting all the 5 and 10 pence coins out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in their back in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!


Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin into an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.

[Alisoncc]

titanic.jpg (27.88 KiB) Viewed 623 times

[FD2]

[Karearea]

"I don't think he wrote the book, he's not very bright, I saw him at a party once, he was in the kitchen staring at a Ribena bottle, 'cos on the back it says 'Concentrate'."

[Boac]

https://www.msn.com/en-gb/news/world/mi ... np1taskbar

[ricardian]

Oh so true!

[ricardian]

Unforseen difficulties

[Woody]

Been down to Devon and Cornwall for 10 days, not seen much news, going to start reading in

[Pontius Navigator]

The moment I opened this there was an advert for LazyBoySpa on Coronation Street

[ricardian]

Cheapskate father!

[Alisoncc]

lifeguard.jpg (38.29 KiB) Viewed 368 times

[tango15]

lifeguard.jpg

Haha! Classic!