Friday Jokes

[Boac]

Maybe you are just a little potty?

[bob2s]

And as a follow up

[llondel]

A lawyer was sitting in his office late one night, when Satan appeared before him.

The Devil told the lawyer, “I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all your friends and law partners.”

The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, “So, what’s the catch?”

[Woody]

[ricardian]

If tried to combine the DNA of a possum, the DNA of a billy goat and the DNA of a manatee, would that be a possibility?

[ricardian]

[bob2s]

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[Karearea]

A man decides to go on a safari. He took his faithful dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long the dog discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.
The dog thinks, "Oh boy, I'm in deep stuff now." Then he notices some bones lying nearby on the ground and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "That was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.
So off he goes. But the dog sees him heading off after the leopard and figures that something is amiss. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans about the dog's ruse and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Hop on my back, monkey, and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "Oh boy, it looks like I've really had it now."
But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to the leopard and the monkey and pretends that he hasn't seen them. And just when they get close enough to hear him, the dog says... "Where is that monkey? .. I sent him off an hour ago to get me another leopard and he's still not back."

[ricardian]

A fishy story.
Koi carp always travel in groups of four. If attacked, koi A, B and C will scatter leaving behind the D koi.

[ricardian]

[ricardian]

Sister Olivia was known for her high intelligence. She was sometimes known as Nun the Wiser.

[ricardian]

Overheard in a pub.

Customer: What's the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Customer: OK, I'll have a Guinness.
Barman: We only have Mangers, is that OK?
Customer: Sure, how much is that?
Barman: £5.
Customer: Thanks. Now, what's the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lower case.

[Rossian]

So it wasn't you in the chopper on its way to ABZ. Jolly good, stay well.

The Ancient Mariner

[ricardian]

A man and his wife were in court, getting a divorce, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.
After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied: "When I put a coin into a vending machine, and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?"

[ricardian]

A dog walks into a butchers shop with a purse strapped around his neck.
He walks up to the meat counter, and calmly sits there until it's his turn to be waited on.
A man, who was already in the butchers shop, finished his purchase and noticed the dog.
The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today.
The dog put its paw on the glass case in front of the minced beef, and the butcher said, 'How many pounds?' The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds minced beef.
He then said, 'Anything else?' The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher said, 'How many?' The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a package of four pork chops.
The dog walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get at the purse and take out the appropriate amount of money before tying the two packages of meat around the dog's neck.
The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow the dog.
The dog walked for several blocks and then walked up to a house where it began to scratch the door to be let in. As the owner opened the door, the man called to the owner, “That's a really smart dog you have there.”
''He's not really all that smart,” the owner replied. “This is the second time this week he forgot his bloody key.”

[ricardian]

Amazing discovery #97:
If Celine Dion sang just the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old MacDonald's Farm.

[bob2s]

[Fox3WheresMyBanana]

[bob2s]

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[ricardian]

Sign in a cafe:
We have made a change. Helen Wait is now our service manager so if you need service, please go to Helen Wait.