Friday Jokes

[Karearea]

[bob2s]

A vegan and a vegetarian jump off a cliff to see which one will hit the bottom first, who wins ?



Society

[FD2]

Safe.jpg (25.82 KiB) Viewed 936 times

[Fox3WheresMyBanana]

"Oldham...It's not twinned with anywhere, but it's got a suicide pact with G'dansk"

John Cooper Clarke

[OFSO]

My friend confessed his mother made him a homosexual. I said "if I buy her the wool, would she make me one too ?"

[Fox3WheresMyBanana]

Today's top headline

Chinese Scientists Implant First Pig Liver Into Brain-Dead Human

..and you're thinking..Can't be a lawyer or a politician, they aren't human...Game Show Host!

[Woody]

[bob2s]

[tango15]

An oldie but one that's not had an outing for a while:

St Peter had noticed that the angels had been working particularly hard, so he allowed them to visit Earth for a few days, with a dire warning that they were to behave themselves. A few days later, they all return to heaven and St Peter checks them back in. The last to arrive is Gabriel, who St Peter notices, is without his harp. He is questioned about this, but can't remember what happened. St Peter suggests he gets together with his colleagues to try to remember where he left it. An hour later, he returns to St Peter and says he now remembers where he left it. "OK," says St Peter."Well as you know, I can see everything that happens on Earth and I want you to sing about where you left the harp."
"Sing about it?"
"Yes."
Gabriel goes off and talks to the other angels again, then returns to St Peter. "OK, I'm ready to sing now."
"Go ahead."
"I left my harp in Sam Plank's Disco..."

[OFSO]

Talking to an old colleague the other day, reminiscing about former days at the Ops Control Centre in Darmstadt. "Whatever happened to old so-and-so ?"
Oh didn't you hear, frightful scandal.
He had to leave.
"What happened ?"
Well, remember those interminable night shifts, a pass every ninety minutes, a few commands to uplink. He got fed up with it. Then some fool of a spacecraft controller said to him "you could train a monkey to do this". Set him thinking. So he went to the local zoo, bought a chimpanzee, brought him back. Smuggled him into the OCR, taught him a few basic responses along the lines off "if you see this on the display, push this button." Chimpanzee got really good at it, old H would throw him a bunch of bananas each evening and clear off down the Kleines Parliament (a local pub).
"So what happened ?"
-more-

[OFSO]

Well, one day the Ops Flight Director came in at 3am, showing some German Floozie the control room to impress her, and there's the blasted chimpanzee merrily uplinking commands to ***. He had H up on the carpet the next morning with his boss from Airworks, sent packing on the spot. Dreadful really.
"And what happened" I asked "to the chimpanzee ?"
'Oh he did frightfully well', said my friend, 'he's now a SATCO at Frankfurt a. Main international airport !'

[ricardian]

[Boac]

That picture is obviously a fake since we all know that the king is dead - it was on all the Russian channels.

[ricardian]

Doctor: How many times do you exercise?
Me: 3 times.
Doctor: A week? A month?
Me: I have given my answer.

[llondel]

Doctor: How many times do you exercise?
Me: 3 times.
Doctor: A week? A month?
Me: I have given my answer.

The transition from "twice weekly" to "twice, weakly".

[bob2s]

[G-CPTN]

"Whenever I feel the urge to exercise I lie down until I feel better."

Quote from a work colleague who preferred to spend his lunchtime in the pub rather than playing squash.

He outlived the squash player (both in their 50s).

[Ex-Ascot]

Treats

[ricardian]

Whitehall village, the harbour & Papa Stronsay basking in the sun today (Wed 20 Mar).

(Photo taken from the Islander by Marion Miller)

[John Hill]

Looks neat and tidy and, warming up nicely this time of year. Not many trees!