Friday Jokes

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ricardian
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Re: Friday Jokes

#9601 Post by ricardian » Mon Mar 27, 2023 9:21 pm

The large pane of glass fell out of my front window & smashed so I called a glazier & he replaced it. Two days later the glass fell out again so I called the glazier back. While he was replacing the glass again I asked him why my glass keeps falling out he said “its quite common around here, it’s down to an animal going round eating the linseed oil in the bonding that holds the glass in place”.
I said “An animal? What kind of animal?”
He said “It's a cat, a putty cat.”
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Re: Friday Jokes

#9602 Post by Hydromet » Mon Mar 27, 2023 11:34 pm

OFSO wrote:
Mon Mar 27, 2023 7:45 pm
Seriously, there's an even worse game for destroying relationships: triangular dominoes. Never heard such bad language in our living room.
The worst language I've ever heard from"ladies" is when Mrs Hydro's mah jhong ladies meet here.

ricardian
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Re: Friday Jokes

#9603 Post by ricardian » Wed Mar 29, 2023 3:18 am

A man takes his place in the theatre but is too far from the stage. He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I will give you a handsome tip."
The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a 50p piece.
The usher looks at the coin, leans over and whispers, "The wife did it!"
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Re: Friday Jokes

#9604 Post by Woody » Wed Mar 29, 2023 8:12 pm

There’s an awful lot of immature people on Twitter tonight :)) :)) :))

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Re: Friday Jokes

#9605 Post by Woody » Wed Mar 29, 2023 8:20 pm

Well I’ve started now :D

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Re: Friday Jokes

#9606 Post by Hydromet » Thu Mar 30, 2023 9:03 am

338315499_948545966501695_2598861081837784445_n.jpg
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Re: Friday Jokes

#9607 Post by PHXPhlyer » Thu Mar 30, 2023 4:53 pm

Hydromet wrote:
Thu Mar 30, 2023 9:03 am
338315499_948545966501695_2598861081837784445_n.jpg
:YMAPPLAUSE: :)) =)) :ymdevil:

PP

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Re: Friday Jokes

#9608 Post by ricardian » Thu Mar 30, 2023 8:57 pm

Subject: Theoretically
A small boy has a school homework question to answer, so he asks his father "Hey Dad, what's the difference between 'theoretically' and 'realistically'?"
His Dad thinks for a while and then says "Right-o son...go and ask your mother if she'd sleep with David Beckham for a million quid."
The boy trots off and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would! She would sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds."
"OK son," says his dad. "Now go and ask your sister the same question."
The boy toddles off, and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would too!"
So then his dad says "Right, son, now go and ask your elder brother if he'd sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds."
The son comes back excitedly saying "Dad! Dad! He said he would too!"
"Well there you have it, son," said his dad. "Theoretically, we're sitting on three million quid but realistically, we're living with two tarts and a poof."
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Re: Friday Jokes

#9609 Post by Woody » Thu Mar 30, 2023 10:45 pm

Still trending =)) =)) =))



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Re: Friday Jokes

#9610 Post by ricardian » Fri Mar 31, 2023 4:04 pm

Today marks six months without drinking a drop of alcohol of any kind! Six months of eating seven fruit and vegetables a day, drinking 10 glasses of water, no carbs and no red meat, 8 hours of sleep a night. The change in my body has been fantastic! I feel great, I lost weight and my way of thinking is very positive! I'm looking to keep this up until I die. No alcohol, eat only healthy foods, getting lots of sleep and above all, an hour of exercise every day!
I don't know whose status this is, but I was so happy for them that I copied and pasted it!!
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Re: Friday Jokes

#9611 Post by ricardian » Sat Apr 01, 2023 3:38 am

One of my neighbours has several cats. On a recent visit she introduced them to me, "That's Astrophe, that's Erpillar, that's Aract and that's Alogue."
"Where on earth did you get such strange names?" I asked.
"Oh, those are their last names," she explained. "Their first names are Cat."
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Re: Friday Jokes

#9612 Post by llondel » Sat Apr 01, 2023 2:26 pm

At the boss's funeral, a disgruntled employee knelt next to the coffin and whispered "Who's thinking OUTSIDE the box now, Gary?"

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Re: Friday Jokes

#9613 Post by PHXPhlyer » Sat Apr 01, 2023 4:52 pm

BREAKING NEWS: ELON MUSK PURCHASING A MAJORITY STAKE IN AMERICAN AIRLINES

https://www.airlinereporter.com/2023/04 ... -airlines/

Elon Musk announced he will purchase a 51% stake in American Airlines. This continues his recent pattern of acquiring companies that play central roles in American society and infrastructure.

He announced the news on Twitter and in a press conference. When asked about his interest in American Airlines, Musk stated “I realized that I simply enjoy buying companies with birds on their logos. And when I have such an obscene amount of money why should I try to fight those urges?”

Elon Musk making his announcement
Later in the press conference Mr. Musk outlined a series of major changes he plans for the airline’s operations. Effective immediately, American will accept dogecoin for ticket purchases, and in coming years will transition to a completely blockchain-based payment system. The airline will start charging flyers a nominal fee of $10 for passengers to display their TSA PreCheck status on their boarding passes.

Major changes are in store for American’s workforce as well. All employees, including pilots and flight attendants, will be required to work in-office at corporate headquarters. This may prove challenging for the airline’s pilots and flight attendants, who are accustomed to working on aircraft, but Mr. Musk expects them to rise to the challenge. In line with his views about free speech, Mr. Musk wants the Twitter handle @AmericanAir to take controversial political stances and to share conspiracy theories. To maximize profits, Mr. Musk plans to lay off around a third of the airline’s workers. However analysts expect that move to be followed by frantic attempts to rehire most of the furloughed employees shortly thereafter.

Some industry experts also expressed excitement that Mr. Musk’s family of companies could offer multimodal transport itineraries. For example, passengers could hire a Tesla-operated rideshare to the airport, fly an American Airlines flight, then connect to a SpaceX moon rocket that may or may not explode on landing. Said SpaceX employee April Phules, “after experiencing the inside of a Falcon 9 rocket, I think American Airlines passengers will be a little more forgiving about the airline’s economy class legroom.”

While some passengers seem worried about the impact Musk’s takeover will have on the airline, others approved of the move. “As a proud owner of three Teslas I enjoy feeling better than other people,” said Bay Area resident Hugh Jassol. “I look forward to experiencing that same sense of superiority when flying American Airlines too.”

American’s MD-80s are likely glad they retired before all this went down
American Airlines shareholders readied themselves for extreme volatility in the airline’s stock price in the weeks ahead. When asked for comment, SEC Chair Gary Gensler simply burst into tears.

Note from the editor: This story is not real. Elon if you are reading this PLEASE DO NOT ACTUALLY BUY AMERICAN AIRLINES.

PP

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Re: Friday Jokes

#9614 Post by bob2s » Sat Apr 01, 2023 11:30 pm

Oh my God, I'm rich!
Silver in the hair,
Gold in the teeth,
Crystals in the kidney,
Sugar in the blood,
Lead in the butt,
Iron in the arteries,
and an inexhaustible
supply of natural gas.
I never thought I would ever accumulate such wealth.

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Re: Friday Jokes

#9615 Post by FD2 » Sat Apr 01, 2023 11:33 pm

Pinocchio.jpg

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Re: Friday Jokes

#9616 Post by FD2 » Sat Apr 01, 2023 11:34 pm

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Re: Friday Jokes

#9617 Post by Ex-Ascot » Sun Apr 02, 2023 8:44 am

Next.
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'Yes, Madam, I am drunk, but in the morning I shall be sober and you will still be ugly.' Sir Winston Churchill.

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Re: Friday Jokes

#9618 Post by ricardian » Sun Apr 02, 2023 5:25 pm

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Thought for the day.

#9619 Post by Boac » Mon Apr 03, 2023 8:17 am

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Re: Friday Jokes

#9620 Post by Ex-Ascot » Mon Apr 03, 2023 8:43 am

And another one.
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'Yes, Madam, I am drunk, but in the morning I shall be sober and you will still be ugly.' Sir Winston Churchill.

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