Friday Jokes

[Fox3WheresMyBanana]

Nice one AA (#41)
One from my Sports Director cousin in Winnipeg.

Q: On a hot summer's day, how do you get 20 Canadians out of the swimming pool?







A: You ask them.

[Airborne Aircrew]

I used to tell a lot of religious jokes.

But not since they put me on the sects offenders register!

[Happy SLF]

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[Happy SLF]

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[500N]

I saw these on a car this evening and thought where can I buy them.

[500N]

And while looking on the net I found this one

[OFSO]

A very dear friend of mine from the Emerald Isle walked - well, staggered - one Sunday morning into a church in a small but well-known town south of the Border to hear a priest ranting about the evils of the Protestant Religion - it was Marching Season in honour of King Billy in RNI - and how "no orange foot would ever be seen on the ground in our town."

So my friend Jimmy and his mates managed to find some foam rubber which they cut into shape, glued to plywood backing, which they affixed to broomhandles, and got some orange paint from the depot, and that night printed large orange feet up the main street from one end to the other.

The boyos were Not Pleased with this and after scrubbing the road clean set about looking for my friends: Jim and Co had to cross the border to Belfast and lie low there for a while.

[david1300]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!"
Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too" Says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that,"
Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub... What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvelous,"
says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job,"
Says the duck.
"Where is it?"
"At the circus,"
Says the barman.
"The circus?"
Repeats the duck.
"That's right,"
Replies the barman.
"The circus?"
The duck asks again.
with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
There is a long, pregnant silence, during which the duck just stares at the shelves behind the barman.
"What's the matter?" says the barman.
The duck says "Just trying to work out what the **** they would want with a plasterer!!..

[Woody]

Just spilt my coffee david1300

[Stoneboat]

Pope Francis recently finished his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti Homini" – “Blessed be Mankind.”
A Woman's Rights Group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed that the Pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind. So the next day, after his sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini" – “Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.”
The day after, a Gay Rights Group approached the Pope. They said that they noticed that he blessed Mankind and Womankind and asked if he could also bless gay people.The Pope said, "Sure."
The next day the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti."

[Happy SLF]

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[CharlieOneSix]

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by.
He got into the taxi, and said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Andrew"

Cabbie: "Who?"

Passenger: "Andrew Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the
time. Like your coming along when I needed a cab, things happen like that
to Andrew Sullivan, every single time."

Cabbie: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Passenger: "Not Andrew Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have
won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an
opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard
him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Cabbie: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Passenger: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered
everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which
fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse,
and the whole street blacks out. But Andrew Sullivan, he could do everything
right."

Cabbie: "Wow. Some guy then."

Passenger: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic
jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Andrew, he never
made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel
good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his
clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect
man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Andrew Sullivan."

Cabbie: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Passenger: "Well, I never actually met Andrew. He died. I'm married to his
fu*king widow!"

[Opsboi]

A Man Called...

Wow

That is spooky

And not because I'm a cab driver or a passenger either...

[Fox3WheresMyBanana]

Opsboi will now amble over to the Do You Think About When You Will Die thread

[Opsboi]

Opsboi will now amble over to the Do You Think About When You Will Die thread

Good shout

Might look for a job in the circus while I'm at it

[jimtherev]

The Dark Sucker Theory
For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light, but recent information has proved otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light; they suck dark. Thus, we call these bulbs Dark Suckers. The Dark Sucker Theory and the existence of dark suckers prove that dark has mass and is heavier than light.
First, the basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. For example, take the Dark Sucker in the room you are in. There is much less dark right next to it than there is elsewhere. The larger the Dark Sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark Suckers in the parking lot have a much greater capacity to suck dark than the ones in this room.

So with all things, Dark Suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the dark spot on a full Dark Sucker. The dark which has been absorbed is then transmitted by pylons along to power plants where the machinery uses fossil fuel to destroy it.
A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You can see that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark that has been sucked into it. If you put a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, it will turn black. This is because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. One of the disadvantages of these primitive Dark Suckers is their limited range.

There are also portable Dark Suckers. In these, the bulbs can't handle all the dark by themselves and must be aided by a Dark Storage Unit. When the Dark Storage Unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable Dark Sucker can operate again.
Dark has mass. When dark goes into a Dark Sucker, friction from the mass generates heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating Dark Sucker. Candles present a special problem as the mass must travel into a solid wick instead of through clear glass. This generates a great amount of heat and therefore it's not wise to touch an operating candle.

This is easily proven for lightbulbs too. When you compress a gas, it gets hot, right? So the light bulb gets hot because of all the dark being squished into the wires. Also, dark is heavier than light. If you were to swim just below the surface of the lake, you would see a lot of light. If you were to slowly swim deeper and deeper, you would notice it getting darker and darker. When you get really deep, you would be in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats at the top. The is why it is called light.

Dark Suckers are only able to suck dark in a straight line. Dark, because of its mass, will not penetrate solid, opaque objects as it is being sucked by a Dark Sucker. When a Dark Sucker is operating, you will notice that dark that is behind a solid, opaque object does not flow through the object or around it to the Dark Sucker. Some of the dark will accumulate on the side of the object away from the Dark Sucker as the Dark Sucker attempts to pull it through the object. These residual patches of dark are often referred to as `shadows.'

Some surfaces are able to function as secondary Dark Suckers by sucking the dark from behind solid objects at an angle and then rerouting it to the primary Dark Sucker. These surfaces have a property we refer to as `reflective.'

Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in a lit room in front of a closed, dark closet, and slowly opened the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet. But since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet.
So next time you see an electric bulb, remember that it is not a light emitter but a Dark Sucker.

[Fox3WheresMyBanana]

More here. I like the bridge one best!
http://www.s-anand.net/blog/calvin-and- ... s-science/

[candoo]

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[Fox3WheresMyBanana]

The Hot-Crazy Matrix

[bbvideo=560,315]https://youtu.be/hKWmFWRVLlU[/bbvideo]

"..and above the line we have the danger zone...this is your Redheads, Strippers...anyone named Tiffany.."

[A Lutra Continua]

The Hot-Crazy Matrix

[bbvideo=560,315]https://youtu.be/hKWmFWRVLlU[/bbvideo]

"..and above the line we have the danger zone...this is your Redheads, Strippers...anyone named Tiffany.."

You're on your own, white man. Your missus is going to gut you like a fish and strangle you with your own intestines...