Friday Jokes

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ricardian
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Re: Friday Jokes

#5521 Post by ricardian » Wed Jul 29, 2020 9:32 pm

Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
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Re: Friday Jokes

#5522 Post by G-CPTN » Wed Jul 29, 2020 11:11 pm

ricardian wrote:
Wed Jul 29, 2020 9:32 pm
Very punny, an eggselent yolk
I don't think any yolks were harmed when making meringues - or a meringue?

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MEN ARE JUST HAPPY PEOPLE

#5523 Post by ricardian » Thu Jul 30, 2020 3:28 pm

MEN ARE JUST HAPPY PEOPLE
This needs no explanation - and is a fun read, no matter your gender.
Men Are Just Happier People! What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress - £5,000. Lounge suit - £100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is £8.95 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes - one colour for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache... You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier!
NICKNAME · If Laura, Kate, and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba, and Wild man.
EATING OUT · When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, outcome the pocket calculators.
MONEY. A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs. A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS · A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS · A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE · A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
MARRIAGE · A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP · A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. · A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL · Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed · Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING · Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears, and hopes and dreams. · A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY. A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing! So, send this to the women who have a sense of humour …. and to the men who will enjoy reading.
Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
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ricardian
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Re: Friday Jokes

#5524 Post by ricardian » Thu Jul 30, 2020 4:32 pm

Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
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ricardian
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Re: Friday Jokes

#5525 Post by ricardian » Thu Jul 30, 2020 4:52 pm

Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
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ricardian
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Re: Friday Jokes

#5526 Post by ricardian » Thu Jul 30, 2020 9:33 pm

Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
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ricardian
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Re: Friday Jokes

#5527 Post by ricardian » Thu Jul 30, 2020 10:26 pm

Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
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ricardian
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Re: Friday Jokes

#5528 Post by ricardian » Fri Jul 31, 2020 1:51 am

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Re: Friday Jokes

#5529 Post by llondel » Fri Jul 31, 2020 4:15 am

ricardian wrote:
Wed Jul 29, 2020 9:32 pm
Very punny, an eggselent yolk
That one's going to come back to haunt you.

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Re: Friday Jokes

#5530 Post by FD2 » Fri Jul 31, 2020 10:58 pm

Live Every Day As You Would Your Last.png
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Re: Friday Jokes

#5531 Post by FD2 » Fri Jul 31, 2020 10:59 pm

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Re: Friday Jokes

#5532 Post by FD2 » Fri Jul 31, 2020 11:06 pm

Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people. At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions.

Little Alina puts her hand up and says "I have two questions.

"Why did the Russians take Crimea? And why did we send troops to Ukraine?"

Putin says "Good questions" But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the kids go to lunch. When they come back, they sit back down and there is time for some more questions.

Another girl, Tatiana, puts her hand up and says "I have four questions"

My questions are - Why did the Russians invade Crimea?

Why did we send troops to Ukraine?

Why did the bell go 20 minutes early?

And where is Alina?

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Re: Friday Jokes

#5533 Post by FD2 » Fri Jul 31, 2020 11:14 pm

DONALD GOES TO THE VATICAN

Donald took a quick trip to Rome to show his concern for the Pope: "I met with Pope Francis today. He's a really great pope — great, great pope. You know he's the leader of the Catholic Church — big, big church."

"I couldn't believe it when he told me how many Catholics there are. Way more than I thought. They have churches all over the world; some are very, very close (so close) to my hotels and golf courses. He tells me he's elected for life, probably copying that Xi guy in China. Fantastic idea, though. Fantastic. It turns out the pope is a lot like me, you never see him with his wife."

"He told me he's infallible. I said that's great, you'll never have to worry about breaking a hip. And told me about a Mary Magdalene, beautiful girl, beautiful. Apparently a hooker. I asked him for her number. Didn't catch his answer. I'm told he said it in Latin. I give the guy credit because he doesn't look Latino."

"He took me into the Sistine Chapel. Beautiful ceiling. Not the usual white stucco stuff. I don't think too many people even know about this place. The paintings are great, I'm telling you. Lots of colours."

"The Pope (great guy, by the way, knows more about the Bible than almost anybody — we got along great, I think he really likes me) told me the whole thing was painted by this young Italian. I think his name is Michael Angelo."

"At least that's what Francis (we're great friends) called him, I think. Trust me, we're going to hear more about this guy. He's really artistic, and everybody tells me I have the greatest eye for the best art. It's natural, just like my incredible understanding of science. All the renowned scientists say they can't believe it."

"I told Frank I'd like to buy some of Mike's art. I asked if Mike's done anything on velvet. He'll check (great guy). I'll hang his stuff at Mar-a-Lago or Trump Tower. This Mike guy needs more exposure. He's too much with the churches."

"He could paint my presidential portrait on the Capitol Dome. Or maybe a mural on my big, beautiful border wall; but just on our side."

"When we left, the pope gave me a bible. Huge book. Huge. I told him I have the full set. You get one for free every time you take a porn star to a hotel room." [pauses]

"Unbelievable. Just heard. The lamestream media is at it again. Fake news. (Fake news.) I just saw something on TV. They claim Mike the painter died 450 years ago. Sad. I've already got people looking into this and you won't believe what they're finding."

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Re: Friday Jokes

#5534 Post by ricardian » Sat Aug 01, 2020 1:49 am

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Re: Friday Jokes

#5535 Post by PHXPhlyer » Sat Aug 01, 2020 2:48 am

FD2:
Perfect! :YMAPPLAUSE: :ymdevil: :)) =))

PP

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Re: Friday Jokes

#5536 Post by ribrash » Sat Aug 01, 2020 3:53 pm

I've wanted to be many things in my lifetime,
When I was 6 I wanted to be an astronaut
Then I wanted to be a wrestler
After that I wanted to be a doctor
Then I wanted to be an airline pilot.

Anyway, enough about me sir, do you want fries with that?

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Re: Friday Jokes

#5537 Post by FD2 » Sun Aug 02, 2020 9:40 pm

plane breakers.jpg

ricardian
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Re: Friday Jokes

#5538 Post by ricardian » Mon Aug 03, 2020 8:50 am

Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
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https://www.wunderground.com/forecast/EGER

ricardian
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Re: Friday Jokes

#5539 Post by ricardian » Mon Aug 03, 2020 10:49 am

Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
www.stronsaylimpet.co.uk
visitstronsay.com
https://www.wunderground.com/forecast/EGER

ricardian
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Re: Friday Jokes

#5540 Post by ricardian » Mon Aug 03, 2020 4:42 pm

Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
www.stronsaylimpet.co.uk
visitstronsay.com
https://www.wunderground.com/forecast/EGER

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