Friday Jokes

[ricardian]

(Stolen from British Military Humour site)
For anyone upset that the Honours system is a farce because the ‘under privileged’ and self proclaimed descendant of slavery Lewis Hamilton has been given a knighthood for driving a fast car in circles while residing in an overseas tax haven, please do look on the bright side. It looks like Her Majesty is refusing to allow the duplicitous war criminal and all round wrecking ball of British culture Mr BLiar to call himself Sir Tony whilst she still draws breath, so it could be worse. At least Sir Lewis is good at driving his car fast in circles. Tony BLiar is good for nowt!

[bob2s]

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.
He shouts "this is a raid - everyone get on the floor!!", and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.

As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava.
The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts. "Did anybody else here see my face?".
The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also.

"Did anybody else see my face?" he shouts again, waving his gun around.

There is silence for a few seconds before an elderly male voice is heard from a distant corner..
"I think my missus caught a glimpse...."

[ricardian]

Ah, the good old days...

[Undried Plum]

Ah, the good old days...

I didn't get the joke.

Though I may get a hard slapping for saying so if she reads this.

[ricardian]

One for JimTheRev

[ricardian]

Always somebody complaining

[EA01]

https://explosm.net/comics/2665/

[ricardian]

Monopoly updated for 2020

[ricardian]

Appearances can be deceptive

[FD2]

Norman and his blonde wife live in Fargo. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snow plow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snow plow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park.....", then the electricity goes out. Norman's wife says, "Honey, I don't know what to do." Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

[ricardian]

If only...

[Karearea]

Just been to the book-store and asked the woman for a book about turtles.

She asked: “Hardback?” and I was like: “Yeah, and little heads.”

[ricardian]

Dieting

[ricardian]

Mathematical graffiti

[ricardian]

A horticultural note

[FD2]

For WhatsApp users, a warning:

∅ _This message was automatically deleted by WhatsApp from *your phone* as it contained female nudity. The new Artificial Intelligence built into WhatsApp has indicated that you are an old man who has now passed the age of being safely able to enjoy such messages.

[Mole]

[FD2]

Lucky Bear.jpg (36.64 KiB) Viewed 543 times

[Woody]

[ricardian]

He has a point!