Friday Jokes

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ricardian
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Re: Friday Jokes

#8621 Post by ricardian » Tue Jun 21, 2022 2:37 am

Why does Karl Marx hate Earl Grey?
Because all proper tea is theft.
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Re: Friday Jokes

#8622 Post by Magnus » Tue Jun 21, 2022 3:23 pm

There's a bank in edinburgh, and the drive-through ATM has braille keys. Hmmmm.

ricardian
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Re: Friday Jokes

#8623 Post by ricardian » Tue Jun 21, 2022 3:35 pm

Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
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visitstronsay.com
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Re: Friday Jokes

#8624 Post by llondel » Wed Jun 22, 2022 4:56 pm

Spiders are the only web developers who enjoy finding bugs.

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Re: Friday Jokes

#8625 Post by bob2s » Wed Jun 22, 2022 9:56 pm

More from somewhere else :

After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years. But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it.




Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 32, looking for some action!" I've sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy.



The wife's been hinting she wants something black and lacy for her birthday. So I've got her a pair of football boots.


Growing up with a dyslexic father had its advantages. Whenever he caught me swearing, he used to wash my mouth out with soup.


My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked the dinner, so I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.



Did anyone get an owner’s manual for a wife? Mine's giving off a terrible whining noise!



My wife apologized for the first time ever today. She said she's sorry she ever married me.



My wife said I needed to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car, burnt the dinner, and ignored her all day for no reason.



Scientists have discovered a certain food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent. It's called a wedding cake.



Things turned really ugly at my house last night. The wife removed her makeup.

ricardian
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Re: Friday Jokes

#8626 Post by ricardian » Thu Jun 23, 2022 1:50 pm

Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
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visitstronsay.com
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Re: Friday Jokes

#8627 Post by G-CPTN » Thu Jun 23, 2022 7:28 pm

Guineapigs are better.

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Re: Friday Jokes

#8628 Post by OFSO » Thu Jun 23, 2022 7:40 pm

At what? Boolean Algebra? I did hear a rumour to that effect.

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Re: Friday Jokes

#8629 Post by Boac » Thu Jun 23, 2022 8:37 pm

Yes and no.

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Re: Friday Jokes

#8630 Post by llondel » Thu Jun 23, 2022 10:57 pm

If you serve your kids frozen pizza or chicken nuggets for dinner, you're a terrible parent. I don't care how busy you are - find the time to microwave the food.

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Re: Friday Jokes

#8631 Post by Opsboi » Thu Jun 23, 2022 11:31 pm

Prince Andrew missed the jubilee celebrations because he had Covid 19

Well, actually, it was Covid 15 but it looked 19

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Re: Friday Jokes

#8632 Post by ricardian » Fri Jun 24, 2022 8:55 am

Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
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visitstronsay.com
https://www.wunderground.com/forecast/EGER

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Re: Friday Jokes

#8633 Post by ricardian » Fri Jun 24, 2022 11:38 am

Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
www.stronsaylimpet.co.uk
visitstronsay.com
https://www.wunderground.com/forecast/EGER

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Re: Friday Jokes

#8634 Post by ricardian » Fri Jun 24, 2022 11:39 am

Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
www.stronsaylimpet.co.uk
visitstronsay.com
https://www.wunderground.com/forecast/EGER

ricardian
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Re: Friday Jokes

#8635 Post by ricardian » Sat Jun 25, 2022 5:00 pm

Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
www.stronsaylimpet.co.uk
visitstronsay.com
https://www.wunderground.com/forecast/EGER

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Re: Friday Jokes

#8636 Post by ricardian » Sun Jun 26, 2022 5:58 pm

Social media post by Mike: "Rachel and I are no longer engaged."
Social media response by Rachel: "Mike, that's a dreadful way of telling people that we're married!"
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Re: Friday Jokes

#8637 Post by bob2s » Mon Jun 27, 2022 5:49 am

With petrol being the price it is, I am using vodka in my lawn mower and my lawn is now half cut.

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Re: Friday Jokes

#8638 Post by ricardian » Mon Jun 27, 2022 5:36 pm

A lawyer who had 12 children needed to move because the rental agreement on their house was terminated by the owner, who wanted to reoccupy the home. When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place. He couldn't say he had no children because he couldn't lie (as we all know, lawyers cannot, and do not lie) so he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids. He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent. He loved one of the homes and the price was right.
The agent asked:" How many children do you have?"
He answered: "Twelve."
The agent asked, "Where are the others?"
The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look, answered, "They're in the cemetery with their mother."

Moral of this story:
It's not necessary to lie; one has only to choose the right words.
Don't forget — most politicians are lawyers..
Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
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Re: Friday Jokes

#8639 Post by Woody » Mon Jun 27, 2022 8:38 pm

Image
When all else fails, read the instructions.

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Re: Friday Jokes

#8640 Post by OFSO » Tue Jun 28, 2022 4:58 am

Oh Woody, how very true. "I've just got one thing to buy in the supermarket. Wait in the car, I won't be a minute. "
Emerges thirty minutes later struggling to carry a large shopping bag.

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