Friday Jokes

[ribrash]

[llondel]

I met a Dalek who was looking for directions home. I asked where he was from, and he replied "Devon, mate".

So I asked, "What part, mate?"

"Exeter mate, Exeter mate".

[llondel]

careers.jpg (33.26 KiB) Viewed 752 times

[EA01]

Over my head llondel?

[llondel]

Over my head llondel?

If you're going to do artificial insemination, the first step is extracting semen from the dog. And yes, the vet really does jerk off the dog.

If it goes over your head then she's probably doing it wrong.

[OFSO]

06:30 here. Bit early for technical jokes!

How's Cosmo?

[unifoxos]

Re 9243 above, it would have been a lot worse if she had brought a hat instead of gloves.

[media]https://www.earthtouchnews.com/wtf/wtf/ ... mp-helmet/[/media]

[llondel]

06:30 here. Bit early for technical jokes!

How's Cosmo?

Cosmo is slowly recovering, thanks. After a few days of feeding him baby food through a syringe, he seems to be up to tackling kibbles, and has been allowed to expand his territory to the bedroom (which is where the cat tree with his usual food resides). If he had chemical burns to his tongue and lips, normal food pickup would have been very painful. He's still on painkillers and antibiotics for a few more days.

allicroc.jpg (71.66 KiB) Viewed 661 times

[ricardian]

Q: What do you call huge crowd of people trying to buy tickets for the new ABBA show.?
A: "fan queue for the music”

[FD2]

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”
“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.
He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”
The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track.
Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds." The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track.
The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage. "This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"
The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.
"What seems to be the problem, sir?"
"This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!"

The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.


"I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side."

[ricardian]

One for JimTheRev

[FD2]

Three couples are trying to get married at the same church. There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married.
"If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex," says the priest.
One month later the three couples return to the church and talk to the priest. He then asks the elderly couple, "Have you completed the month with sex?"
"Yes we have, it was easy," replies the elderly couple.

"How about you?" He asks the middle-aged couple.

"It was hard, but we didn't have sex for the whole month," they respond.
"And how about you two?" He asks the young couple.

"No we couldn't do it," responds the boyfriend.

"Tell me why," says the priest.

"Well my girlfriend had a can of corn in her hand and she accidentally dropped it. She bent over to pick it up and that's when it happened."

The priest then tells them, "You're not welcome in my church."

"We're not welcome in the supermarket either," says the boyfriend.

[ricardian]

It's getting near "that" time of year again

[FD2]

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.”

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, she pushed her

elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;

likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, “You're not really a redhead, are you?”

“Well, no,” she said, “I'm actually a blonde.”

“I thought so,” the doctor said, “Your finger is broken.”

[ricardian]

I think that we all know at least one person who would benefit from listening to this song, especially in the coming weeks.

[ricardian]

Another one for jimtherev

[Fox3WheresMyBanana]

p.s. Excellent tune, though!

[Wodrick]

'Tis their pension fund.

[Fox3WheresMyBanana]

I remember a very frank interview with Noddy on Midlands TV.
He was discussing his upbringing in the Black Country in classic Brummie tones, when the interviewer chipped in with
"..and where do you live now, Noddy?"
He switched to perfect RP and proudly announced "Ches-shire!"

..in a bloody great mansion, paid for by one song

[llondel]

I remember a very frank interview with Noddy on Midlands TV.
He was discussing his upbringing in the Black Country in classic Brummie tones, when the interviewer chipped in with
"..and where do you live now, Noddy?"
He switched to perfect RP and proudly announced "Ches-shire!"

..in a bloody great mansion, paid for by one song

One of the two best Christmas songs ever.