Friday Jokes

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Ex-Ascot
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Re: Friday Jokes

#9541 Post by Ex-Ascot » Tue Mar 07, 2023 9:57 am

Next cartoon.
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'Yes, Madam, I am drunk, but in the morning I shall be sober and you will still be ugly.' Sir Winston Churchill.

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Re: Friday Jokes

#9542 Post by llondel » Tue Mar 07, 2023 5:21 pm

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit. "This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they argued before the King until he called for silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall cut the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half.""Sounds good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to cut him in two!" exclaimed the king's advisor.
"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."

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Re: Friday Jokes

#9543 Post by PHXPhlyer » Tue Mar 07, 2023 5:26 pm

Ex-Ascot wrote:
Tue Mar 07, 2023 9:57 am
Next cartoon.
Recreation from your family scrapbook? :-? :))

PP

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Re: Friday Jokes

#9544 Post by Fox3WheresMyBanana » Tue Mar 07, 2023 5:48 pm

"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."
"Don't I get a say in this?", asked the attorney
"Don't be ridiculous, nobody trusts lawyers", they all said in unison.

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Re: Friday Jokes

#9545 Post by Hydromet » Tue Mar 07, 2023 10:22 pm

Llondel & Fox3, I'm stealing those!😂😂😂

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Re: Friday Jokes

#9546 Post by barkingmad » Wed Mar 08, 2023 9:04 am

Boac wrote:
Mon Mar 06, 2023 10:11 am
archer wrote:It looks like you posted the licence code for a piece of software
Spot on! Failed to clear my clipboard. It is in fact expensive AI software which enables diagnosis of 'personality disorders' in people from their posts made on internet sites, and it is quite busy on O-N. =))
I very much resemble that remark ! ! ! @-)

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Re: Friday Jokes

#9547 Post by ricardian » Wed Mar 08, 2023 8:12 pm

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn’t stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so “spicy” that I just laid down and told him “Take me, young man. Take me now!”
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, “April Fool!” And that’s when I shot him, the little bastard.
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Re: Barking Mad's Australian cat thread

#9548 Post by TheGreenAnger » Wed Mar 08, 2023 11:27 pm

G-CPTN wrote:
Wed Mar 08, 2023 11:12 pm
Hydromet wrote:
Wed Mar 08, 2023 10:31 pm

I wonder what cat tastes like.
Probably like a fishy-flavoured chicken.
G-CPTN, would you really eat your own cat, as opposed to your Captain?

My necessaries are embark'd: farewell. Adieu! I have too grieved a heart to take a tedious leave.

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Re: Friday Jokes

#9549 Post by llondel » Thu Mar 09, 2023 7:21 pm

Saw a dyslexic Yorkshireman today.

He was wearing a cat flap.

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Re: Friday Jokes

#9550 Post by Karearea » Thu Mar 09, 2023 7:49 pm

"Hmmm...I found a strange piece of plastic on the floor that looks like it broke off something, but I have no idea what. Better save it in the junk drawer until I die."

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Re: Friday Jokes

#9551 Post by Opsboi » Thu Mar 09, 2023 8:51 pm

llondel wrote:
Thu Mar 09, 2023 7:21 pm
Saw a dyslexic Yorkshireman today.

He was wearing a cat flap.
Stolen

Diolch yn fawr, llondel

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Re: Friday Jokes

#9552 Post by Hydromet » Fri Mar 10, 2023 4:09 am

335486136_772246384204800_7806621766394640827_n.jpg
335486136_772246384204800_7806621766394640827_n.jpg (42.3 KiB) Viewed 604 times

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Re: Friday Jokes

#9553 Post by Hydromet » Fri Mar 10, 2023 4:11 am

Karearea wrote:
Thu Mar 09, 2023 7:49 pm
"Hmmm...I found a strange piece of plastic on the floor that looks like it broke off something, but I have no idea what. Better save it in the junk drawer until I die."
You have bugged my workshop!

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Re: Friday Jokes

#9554 Post by FD2 » Fri Mar 10, 2023 4:26 am

with forty whacks...

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Re: Friday Jokes

#9555 Post by OFSO » Fri Mar 10, 2023 6:21 am

We have several of those pieces of plastic round the house, living on windowsills or shelves next to where they were found, in the hope that they will one day be reunited with their sources.

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Re: Friday Jokes

#9556 Post by Ex-Ascot » Fri Mar 10, 2023 7:30 am

Another one of my stock cartoons.
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'Yes, Madam, I am drunk, but in the morning I shall be sober and you will still be ugly.' Sir Winston Churchill.

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Re: Friday Jokes

#9557 Post by ricardian » Fri Mar 10, 2023 5:10 pm

A patient enters the dentist’s office with her mask on her nose. Once seated to wait for her appointment she takes off her mask. The receptionist kindly points out to her that she must continue to wear the mask and that she can take it off in the treatment room when asked. The patient grumbles "It's stupid, it will have to be removed to look at my teeth anyway."
Then there is a demonic impulse through the ghost of the usually very nice and pleasant receptionist who replies “When you go to the gynaecologist do you take off your knickers in the waiting room?”
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Re: Friday Jokes

#9558 Post by Woody » Fri Mar 10, 2023 7:43 pm

Image
When all else fails, read the instructions.

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Re: Friday Jokes

#9559 Post by Ex-Ascot » Sat Mar 11, 2023 1:57 pm

Another one.
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'Yes, Madam, I am drunk, but in the morning I shall be sober and you will still be ugly.' Sir Winston Churchill.

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Re: Friday Jokes

#9560 Post by ricardian » Sat Mar 11, 2023 6:08 pm

A powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai.
After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai.
"Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.
The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly.
He drew his samurai sword and *Swish!* the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!
"What a feat!" said the Emperor.
"Number Two Samurai, show me what you do."
The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly.
He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * Swish! * The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered.
"That is skill!" nodded the Emperor.
"How are you going to top that, Number three Samurai?"
The Jewish samurai, Obi-wan Cohen, stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and *Swoooooosh! * flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room. But the fly was still buzzing around!
In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead."
The Jewish Samurai replied, "Dead is easy but circumcision - now THAT takes skill!"
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