Friday Jokes

[Woody]

Have YOU had to walk 500 miles?

Were you advised to walk 500 more?

You could be entitled to compensation.

Call the Pro Claimers NOW.

[Boac]

From The Times and The Sunday Times - paywalled, of course....
"Russell Brand was baptised in the River Thames on Sunday as he seeks to embrace Christianity following allegations of rape, sexual assault and emotional abuse "

Does this means his prison sentence will probably be reduced as he has found God?

[jimtherev]

..so that listening to the musical accompaniment would addle the brains of the defence team?

Do you think it would make any difference?

[ExSp33db1rd]

..so that listening to the musical accompaniment would addle the brains of the defence team?

and why do so many TV "documentaries" have music playing in the background, can't follow the dialogue as a result. Totally unnecessary.

[bob2s]

A few old a few new.




Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin into an envelope for?"
"I'm sending a voicemail ya fool!"

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."Blow that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him, I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said "You're obviously not listening."

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London .
Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

The wife was counting all the 5ps and 10ps out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site.
He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen.
The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.

An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.

[Hydromet]

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

Were you going to have it for launch?

[PHXPhlyer]

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

Were you going to have it for launch?

This is why we need a rimshot emoji.

PP

[admin2]

This is why we need a rimshot emoji.

We are still waiting on your suggestions.

[Rossian]

As a rim shot is audio an emoji would not work, it would have to be followed by a cymbal clash to complete it.

The Ancient Mariner

[Karearea]

Ba Dum Tss!

[bob2s]

Maybe some of you guys know: What hair colour do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

[Rossian]

Kararea - yeah that's it but it won't fit nicely at a gap in text.
bob2 - my wife has white,silvery hair. Getting a passport photo that satisfied the automatic checker system was a PITA - "not enough contrast with the background". Grrrr!

The Ancient Mariner

[ricardian]

Phrases and sayings that begin with “You know you live in Orkney when.......”. Here are a few examples:

You find trees fascinating and stare at them in amazement.
You feel faintly uncomfortable when there are no kye in ear-shot.
30 second pauses in the midst of a conversation are normal.
You can hold a conversation for well over an hour consisting only of the words and phrases: "aye", "u-uh", "weel", "beuy", "this is it", "grand day fir it", and 30 second pauses.
You are reduced to an incoherent spitting rage by Gaelic language TV.
You park your car facing into the wind to prevent door damage when you get ou’t
You take it as a personal insult if you have to show a card when writing a cheque
You refuse to acknowledge the existence of a Shetland version of Strip the Willow
Ferry journeys should be spent reading a book or sitting on a comfy seat rather than freezing outside
You understand that 'Cla thee hole' can be an affectionate tribute to your wit.
Scotland is not “the mainland”
You understand the merit of choosing your words carefully, then not saying them just to be on the safe side
You know there is no difference between a 'ruckle o stones' and 'archaeological evidence of ritual practice'
You eat Kettle Chips because the way they hurt your gums reminds you of (locally made) Orkney Crisps
You have to take out a bank loan to fly to the mainland.
You only consider it a windy day if your house physically shakes.
No other sunset is ever as impressive as an Orkney one.
You allow a good few days to get to an important event south (mainland Scotland or even England) in case there is travel disruption (fog, wind, snow).
It's not unusual to take the ferry to school.
You get offended by people calling it "The Orkneys"
You see someone covered in treacle, wrapped up in clingfilm, tied to the railings next to the pier and having a can of lager at 4 on a Saturday afternoon and don't think this is at all strange. And you think it's abnormal NOT to cover folk in molasses/treacle/flour/feathers and drive around in the back of a truck before they get married. And police get really angry about you not wearing your seatbelt but couldn't care less about ten odd folk - blazing drunk, on the back of a trailer, screaming and hitting things against the side making a racket, and all ten covered in treacle, feathers and lentils.
You get stopped by the postie (mail carrier) when you are nowhere near your house to get given your post.
You start to wonder whether you're at the right gate in Edinburgh/Aberdeen/Glasgow airport when you don't recognise anyone else waiting for the Kirkwall flight!!
There's no such thing as an MOT (British annual safety test for cars over three years old) fail on the sales pages, just good isles cars
When you’re at the hairdressers, because they have finished doing your hair, the hairdressers asks if you would move another customers car because she going to get a ticket and her hair in foils. That customer hands over her keys to me a complete stranger, who politely re-parks it and gives her back her keys.
When your driving instructor takes you to the nearest set of roadworks so you can get experience of traffic lights.
When an hour by ferry and a half hour by bus to get to school in the morning was NORMAL??
You've eaten ‘clapshot’ and had a good gulp from a ‘cog‘!
When you are not surprised how small a puffin is.
You walk down the street and have to look at the funeral notices
You can pick your coat up from the pub the following day and your purse and phone are still in the pocket
You park your car down the pier (because you take the boat to work) and leave your keys in the car in case the fishermen might need to shift it out of the road....
You know you live on an Orkney island when there is only one lettuce in the shop and it’s not for you because you didn't order it. Same for papers/magazines/fresh veg generally.
You talk about the Merry Dancers and folk don't have a clue what you're on about!
The county show day is the highlight of your social calendar. And pulling a cow about on a rope for weeks on end to train it is classed as normal.
Everyone is known by the farm or house they live at and not their surname.
Everyone has binoculars and if they see a car/person they don't recognise, run to the window with them muttering 'I dinnae recognise that car/lass/beuy....'
You phone for a taxi and the boy answering the phone says 'Aye wi'll maybe manage that buey' and you ask how long it will be and he says 'Ah no very long at all buey'!
You know more than 4 people with the names Magnus, Erland, Inga, Thorfinn etc
You've seen waves in your toilet bowl.
“'The ferry ramp got stuck” is considered a perfectly valid reason for being late for school/work.

[llondel]

Maybe some of you guys know: What hair colour do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

Either pink or brown, generally.

[Fox3WheresMyBanana]

A lot of that sounds familiar!

Maybe these, from my little Island, will also ring a bell.

When the hairdresser asks how you want your hair done, you reply "short". In 10 years, you have never heard any other customer ask for anything else.
You know there's a storm forecast because almost all the chips have gone from the shelves of the stores.
When all access to the rest of North America is cut off by storms, you hope they'll be alright on their own.
No one talks about religion, sex, or politics. If someone has nothing good to say in answer to a question, they stay completely silent until the questioner moves on to another topic.
No one at all in your area has an Arts or Social Studies degree, although there are a lot of musicians and artists.
The population of your area is far higher than official figures because they missed counting everyone wearing camo.
99% of headgear are freebies, usually window firms or agricultural suppliers. It's too windy for anyone to bother owning an umbrella.
Everyone over 50 can build and run a still, drive a tractor, rescue a vehicle from a ditch, dirt road, and/or snowbank, and has their own unique way of shelling a lobster.
Everyone, everywhere, stops their vehicles so a pedestrian can cross the road, even if the road is the Trans Canada Highway.
You hardly ever get offered a receipt for work done. You have no idea what to do if the work isn't up to standard because it always has been.
"You don't tell the government nuthin'!"
You never assume a woman wants a tough job done for her. Half the national and international medals won are in women's power sports, like wrestling and bobsled.
Your road has 5 different names depending on who you are talking to. Your settlement has 4 different names also, and even the Government uses 3 different ones depending on the mood they're in.
None of this matters as every postie knows where everyone lives now and everywhere they used to live.
A howling noise is more likely to be a coyote than an emergency vehicle.

[Karearea]

So peaceful...

YT: DALEK Relaxation Meditation for Humans Remastered [1:21]

[bob2s]

[llondel]

I am considering telling Boeing that my ex is a suspected whistle-blower.

[Fox3WheresMyBanana]

..and has some interesting information about the Clintons......

[Woody]