Friday Jokes

[Hydromet]

Ricardian, re your last: I once knew a girl who bought her perfume in large barrels. Never did find out how many males to the gallon she got.

[ricardian]

Live dangerously

[Fox3WheresMyBanana]

The Peloton Wife hits the bottle.

[ricardian]

[ricardian]

[Fox3WheresMyBanana]

Do all Fairy Tales begin with ''Once Upon a Time''?
No........
The Best begin with ''If Am Elected''

[bob2s]

My wife told me I need to be more in touch with my feminine side...
So I crashed the car

...Then ignored her all day for no reason..

...And then when she asked what I want for dinner, I answered "Ah I don't know, what do you feel like?"

[Fox3WheresMyBanana]

A long time ago, in a land far away, there was a Bishop.
He was wandering trough a sunny field, reading his Bible and praising the beauties of Creation, while a croak stopped him.
He looked down and, besides a small bush, he saw a Frog who told him:

"Bishop, Bishop! Please kiss me!"

The Bishop was disgusted at the Frog's proposal and told the Frog: "Go away," he said, "I would never commit such a horrible deed!", and went on with his walk, reading his Bible and praising the beauties of Creation.
He approached a small pond. As he was contemplating it, he heard again the croak: he looked down, and there was again the Frog.
"Bishop, bishop," he started, "let me explain: I once was a beautiful Prince, but a horrible Sorceress transformed me into this animal. A kiss could break the spell! Please, Bishop, kiss me!"
"No!", thundered the Bishop, "Go away, you hellish pervert", and off he walked.
His stroll was alas spoiled, and the Bishop decided to go back home - but, right there on the front porch...

"Bishop, Bishop!"
The Bishop was furious. He kicked the frog away, and entered his house. He shut his door and blinds and, exhausted, lay down on his bed.
Would you believe it? Right there on the bed there was the Frog.
"Bishop, please! Just one kiss and you'll break the spell".
"If I don't do it," thought the Bishop, "this hideous Frog will never leave me alone!", and he kissed it.

Right there on the bed, in a magic cloud, the Frog turned into a wonderful Prince, twelve years old, completely naked. As you can see, my client is completely innocent. I rest my case.

[ricardian]

These mobile phones are a curse!

[Sisemen]

Not a joke unfortunately. Bit more serious.

If anyone knows of any lonely old people who will be eating their Christmas dinner alone this year because they have no family or close friends, could they please let me know as I need to borrow some chairs.

[Fox3WheresMyBanana]

With a punishing schedule of performances, a Christmas Pantomime is no joke











"Oh Yes It Is!!!"

[Slasher]

I was once standing on a street corner waiting for the bus and decided to do some pelvic thrust exercises to ease some pain my lower spine. A cop came up and asked what was I doing.

“F**kin’ nothing!”

[ExSp33db1rd]

Lipstick ?

There once was a lad from Poole,
Who had a red ring round his tool,
He went to the clinic,'
The Doctor, a cynic,
Said Wash it, it's lipstick you fool.

[ricardian]

Look very carefully!

[Boac]

Took a moment's Googling, Ricardian ("a moment", NB, Slasher..). I believe I liked it.

[ricardian]

I'm posting this with a heavy heart.
As much as I love photography, cameras, lenses, tripods, flashes and other photography gear, and everything that comes with it...this is taking up too much of my time. I am struggling to keep up with the everyday basics of cleaning and cooking and maintaining my home, so something has to give. I will be getting rid of my collection.
Below is a list of what's available. Serious inquiries only, and please don't insult me with low offers.
Thanks for reading and understanding.

1. Dustpan and broom
2. Sponges
3. Duster
4. Mop and bucket
5. Lawn Mower
6. Vacuum cleaner
7. Leaf Blower
8. Laundry detergent

[Slasher]

Look very carefully!

One of your better ones Ric!

[Ex-Ascot]

Look very carefully!

One of your better ones Ric!

It took me some seconds. Ricardian, if you lived here the locals would only leave you with that list and nick all your photographic kit. £1,100 worth in the last robbery and you can't buy cameras here.

[ricardian]

Seasonal & religious

[ricardian]