Friday Jokes

[jimtherev]

Yes, Ricardian. When I was a lad I went down into town to see the circus. Cycling down the hill I saw two elephants.

[ricardian]

[Ex-Ascot]

Yes, Ricardian. When I was a lad I went down into town to see the circus. Cycling down the hill I saw two elephants.

No hills around here and do not know if the elephants passing by us are going to or from work. Usually just knocking down trees and munching. Now we have a hunting ban they have a pretty good, long life. Majestic but dangerous if you do not know how to behave around them.

[Slasher]

It's those bloody mammoths you keep watering that I worry about Ex-A sah. Those buggers can be dangerous if you don't know how to douse them right.

There's one outside your door waiting to be watered BTW.

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[CharlieOneSix]

Mrs C16 just arrived back from the hairdresser with a joke he told her and as I haven’t heard it before here goes.

An Essex girl is at the Benefits Office. The man behind the desk asks her how many children she has got. “Thirteen” she replied. “Please give me the name of the eldest” the man says. “Wayne” she replies. “And the name of the next eldest please” says the man. “Wayne” she says. “Oh, and the name of the third?” “Wayne” she says.

“Ah, I see, can I make a guess and say that all 13 are called Wayne?” he asks. “That’s correct” she says. So he says “Isn’t that a problem for you?” “No”, she says, “When I want them to come down for breakfast I just shout “Wayne” and they all come downstairs. There are many occasions where it’s very useful”.

“I can see the advantage in that” says the man, “but what do you do if you want to call just one of them?”

“Easy”, the Essex girl said. “I just shout their surname”.

[ricardian]

Be the reason someone smiles today.
Or the reason they drink.
Whichever works

[ricardian]

[Slasher]

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[ribrash]

As my daughter, the proud school football cheerleader, came down the stairs this morning, I said,
"Give me an E.."
She said, "E"
"Give me and F.."
"F"
"Give me another E.."
"E"
"Give me a U"
"U"
"And another E..."
"E.."

"What have we got?"

She said, "That doesn't spell anything, dad.."

I said, "I know, I just opened your exam results

[ricardian]

[ricardian]

I was the time by a parcel delivery chap. I said "It's between 8am and 6pm."

[ricardian]

[Sisemen]

Haven’t heard of any “short stay” cremmies (Spotted in Grantham this morning)

[ribrash]

I was the time by a parcel delivery chap. I said "It's between 8am and 6pm."

asked.

[ricardian]

I was asked the time by a parcel delivery chap. I said "It's between 8am and 6pm."

[Undried Plum]

[FD2]

A man in Newcastle walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.

The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy...........

"I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"

"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there."

"Is that right?" replied the manager, "My wife is from New Zealand!"

"Really?" replied the boy, "Who did she play for?"

[compo]

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DklzKglX0AISuFA.jpg

[Fox3WheresMyBanana]

Fighter pilots are not an automatic choice for the airline industry...

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[ricardian]