Friday Jokes

[Boac]

Dick?

[ricardian]

Being typically BRITISH:
Having to shout “weyhey” if someone spills a drink or drops a glass in the pub.
Saying “Aaaaaah” after taking the first sip of a cold beer.
Having to have a beer at the airport, even though it is before 6am.
Staring at your phone in silent horror until the unknown number stops ringing
Hearing a recording of your own voice and deciding it’s perhaps best never to speak again
The relief when someone doesn’t answer their phone within three rings and you can hang up.
Being obsessed with the weather.
Filming an entire fireworks display on your phone, knowing full well you’ll never, ever watch it again
Mishearing somebody’s name on the second time of asking, meaning you must now avoid them forever.
Leaving everything til the last minute.
Obsession with the traffic.
Asking people “How their journey was?”
Leaving it too late to correct someone, meaning you must live with your new name forever
Running out of ways to say thanks when a succession of doors are held for you, having already deployed ‘cheers’, ‘ta’ and ‘nice one’
Wearing shorts and sunglasses the moment the sun comes out.
Having a Barbecue the moment the sun comes out.
Insisting the barbecue will still go on despite the rain.
Changing from ‘kind regards’ to just ‘regards’, to indicate that you’re rapidly reaching the end of your tether
Realising you’ve got about fifty grand’s worth of plastic bags under your kitchen sink
"You’ll have to excuse the mess” – Translation: I’ve spent seven hours tidying in preparation for your visit
Indicating that you want the last roast potato by trying to force everyone else to take it.
Knowing that putting the kettle on in a crisis will calm the situation down.
The overwhelming sorrow of finding a cup of tea you forgot about
Turning down a cup of tea for no reason and instantly knowing you’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake
Suddenly remembering your tea and necking it like a massive, lukewarm shot.
Forming a queue for almost anything.
Finding queue jumping as a serious crime
"I’m off to bed” – Translation: “I’m off to stare at my phone in another part of the house”
Waiting for permission to leave after paying for something with the exact change
Saying hello to a friend in the supermarket, then creeping around like a burglar to avoid seeing them again
Watching with quiet sorrow as you receive a different haircut to the one you requested, whilst nodding approvingly as they hold the mirror up behind you, to show you what you can not see at the back.
Being unable to pay for something with the exact change without saying “I think that’s right”
Starting a controversial statement with “I’m not being funny, but...”
Overtaking someone on foot and having to keep up the uncomfortably fast pace until safely over the horizon
Being unable to turn and walk in the opposite direction without first taking out your phone and frowning at it
Deeming it necessary to do a little jog over zebra crossings, while throwing in an apologetic mini wave
Punishing people who don’t say thank you by saying “you’re welcome” as quietly as possible
Loudly tapping your fingers at the cashpoint, to assure the queue that you’ve asked for money and the wait is out of your hands
Looking away so violently as someone nearby enters their PIN that you accidentally dislocate your neck.
Finding nothing better than a Danish bacon sandwich.
Being squashed on the train by a larger person and pretending you don’t notice when they are half sitting in your seat.
Being sure to start touching your bag 15 minutes before your station, so the person in the aisle seat is fully prepared for your exit
Repeatedly pressing the door button on the train before it’s illuminated, to assure your fellow commuters you have the situation in hand
Having someone sit next to you on the train, meaning you’ll have to eat your crisps at home
The huge sense of relief after your perfectly valid train ticket is accepted by the inspector
The horror of someone you only half know saying: “Oh I’m getting that train too”
“Sorry, is anyone sitting here?” – Translation: Unless this is a person who looks remarkably like a bag, I suggest you move it
Worrying you’ve accidentally packed 3 kilos of cocaine and a dead goat as you stroll through “Nothing to declare”
Being unable to stand and leave without first saying “right”
Not hearing someone for the third time, so just laughing and hoping for the best
Saying “anywhere here’s fine” when the taxi’s directly outside your front door.
Getting in a taxi and trying your hardest not to say it, but you know you will eventually say “you been busy mate?”
Saying “Sorry” for absolutely everything even though it was not your fault.

[ricardian]

I don't know who needs to know this but even if a bear wears socks & shoes, it still has bear feet.

[ricardian]

Apologies for strong aviation content

[EA01]

At my Wifes request I signed up to and joined this 'Instagram account' - THe Betoota Advocate....clever stuff.......


betootaadvocate
Verified

LAND OF THE FREE: The so-called United States of America has once again reminded the wolrd, that they are only the land of the free for certain sections of society.

This reminder comes in the form of a leaked Supreme Court opinion which reveals it is set to get rid of the precedent that guarantees abortion as a constitutional right.

The court is set to strike down a famous legal decision known as Roe v Wade, which would mean the constitutional right would be no more, and states would be in charge of telling women what they can and can’t do with their bodies.

Roughly half states are apparently keen to ban abortion, in a touching display of protecting the sanctity of human life in country where 45,000 living breathing people a year get killed by freely available guns.

The Supreme Court’s action comes after half a century of legal challeneges to Roe v Wade, and comes as a blatant contradiction to the ‘my rights’ principle every single American who opposes abortion seems to trumpet.

However, as confirmed by the rich conservative judges who can pay for their daughters to fly interstate and get a medical procedure, the so called fundemental principles of freedom only apply when it suits people like them.

The decision has sparked outrage across the country, with millions of people furious that the nation is taking a backwards step and returning to a time when the mostly male dominated legal, political and medical professions felt like they should be able to control women’s bodies under the premise of protecting religious and family values.

That desire to protect human life in the form of an unborn fetus is not expected to be extended to the living and breathing children who get filled with bullets inside American schools because of their gun laws.

Of course, that obsession with the sancitity of human life also doesn’t apply to people in places like the Middle East, Central America or Africa who die at the hands of US foreign policy.

[OFSO]

True, all true, but hardly a Friday Joke!

[EA01]

Yeah...ok....'spose...

[EA01]

When you are from my home town!

[OFSO]

[G-CPTN]

There is a benign-looking pussycat in our village that poses on a wall until you approach then attacks your outstretched hand when extended.

[ricardian]

Stranger than fiction?

[Woody]

I spent 2 years in rehab for my Phil Collins addiction.

I did it against all odds. Just take a look at me now.

[OFSO]

I've got an extended cat here too.

[Opsboi]

IMG-20220506-WA0001.jpg

"passed his house"

FFS

[Pinky the pilot]

"passed his house"

Noted that, too. Renders the whole intention of the notice somewhat ineffective.

[EA01]

.....That must have hurt!

[OFSO]

Reminds one of the treacherous cannibal who passed his best friend in the street.

[Wodrick]

I think of a spell checker but of course it wouldn't reject 'passed'.

Basic English wonder if it is their first language.

[ricardian]

Apologies for more aviation content

[Pontius Navigator]

Probably the best place for this from the Sunday Telegraph.

Only one word for it, 4 letters

DESPERATE Zimbabweans are boiling used nappies to get high in a new drug craze as the country struggles to recover from its latest economic crisis.