Friday Jokes

[ricardian]

Little-known facts #221

[Woody]

[Pontius Navigator]

Woody, re your tag line, in the village the NT Home of Isaac Newton has been closed since March. The resident cat, known as Spot, white with a black eye patch, is still around. Apart from mousing we discovered he has a regular range around to several houses where he is fed and even gets regular vet treatment. Very independent is Spot.

[barkingmad]

Seeing the AWACS perched on the breakwater, the phrase “balanced field performance” leapt into my brain and is now an earworm which I cannot get rid of.

I wonder did the Belgian captain undergo an audiogram post-accident?

This accident reminded me of the tragic HS125 accident at Dunsfold also involving our feathered relatives...

[Opsboi]

My teacher said I would never be good at poetry due to my dyslexia, but so far I’ve made three vases and a jug

[bob2s]

A little old lady went to buy cat food. She picked up three cans, but was told by the cashier:
"I'm sorry, but we can't sell this to you without proof you have a cat. Too many seniors are buying cat food to eat. Management wants proof that you are buying this for your cat."
So the lady went home, brought in her cat and was sold the cat food.
The next day, she comes in and tries to buy two cans of dog food and was again told she couldn't buy them without proof.
So the lady went home, brought in her dog and was sold the dog food...
One day later, she brought in a box with a hole in the lid and asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said:
"No, you might have a snake in there."
The lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box, quickly pulled it out and screamed:
"That smells like s***."
The lady replied:
"It is... I want to buy two rolls of toilet paper please."

[ricardian]

Questions, questions...

[ricardian]

A man doing market research knocked on a door. He was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken back. He replied with candor, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"
The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob to keep the kids out."

[ricardian]

Daley Thompson, Tessa Sanderson and Steve Cram are all round at Seb Coe's house for tea. Steve brought the fish, Tessa brought the chips, Daley brought the mushy peas and Seb provided the salt and vinegar. Suddenly there is a knock at the door so Seb gets up to answer.
"Who is it?", asks everyone in unison,
"It's Fatima wi t'bread."

[Woody]

[FD2]

[1DC]

Grandma sent the following out to the family..

I see that because of this covid thing I can't have all fourteen of you to the family Christmas dinner, however, you don't have to worry because I have been told that because I have got this turkey which is going to die it will be alright for you all to come the turkeys funeral. See you all on Christmas Day..

[Karearea]

My pet mouse, Elvis, has died.

He was...

♫

♫

caught in a trap...

[ricardian]

How true!

[ricardian]

Blindingly obvious!

[tango15]

SARAH.jpg (47.98 KiB) Viewed 551 times

[ricardian]

Necessity is the mother of invention...

[G-CPTN]

We had to put up with rose-hip syrup . . .

[Pontius Navigator]

We had to put up with rose-hip syrup . . .

You think

[jimtherev]

We had to put up with rose-hip syrup . . .

for lubrication?