Friday Jokes

[Boac]

They liked to stay healthy?

[EA01]

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,

'Father, I have a problem.

I have two female parrots,

But they only know to say one thing.'



'What do they say?' the priest asked.



They say, 'Hi, we're hookers!

Do you want to have some fun?'



'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,

Then he thought for a moment......

'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem.

I have two male talking parrots,

which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...

Bring your two parrots over to my house,

and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship,

And your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.'

'Thank you,' the woman responded,

'this may very well be the solution.'



The next day,

She brought her female parrots to the priest's house....

As he ushered her in,

She saw that his two male parrots

were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying...



Impressed,

She walked over and placed her parrots in with them...

After a few minutes,

The female parrots cried out in unison:

“Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'



There was stunned silence...

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at

the other male parrot and says.

'Put the beads away, Frank,

Our prayers have been answered !!!

[ricardian]

(A post by a female on another site)
The Mummy Test
Out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
“Why?” my daughter asked.
“Because it’s been on the ground, you don’t know where it’s been, it’s dirty, and probably has germs” I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, “Mummy, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart.”
I was thinking quickly. “All mums know this stuff. It’s on the Mummy Test.
You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Mummy.”
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
“OH! I get it!” she beamed, “So if you don’t pass the test you have to be the Daddy.”
“Exactly” I replied back with a big smile on my face.

[ricardian]

The Japanese haven't quite got the hang of what Christianity is all about

[ricardian]

How to tell if you’re having a boy or a girl!
Three pregnant women are sitting in a cafe having lunch discussing their first pregnancies and the possible genders of their new babies, when one of them says, “I know that I’m going to have a boy.”
The other two women think about that for a moment, and then one of them says, “OK, how do you know you’re going to have a boy?”
“Well, when the child was conceived,” says the first women, “I was on top. So I’m going to have a boy.”
They sit and eat for a few minutes more, and then the second woman says, “Well, I’m going to have a girl.”
“OK,” says the first one, “how do you know you’re going to have a girl?”
“Well, when my child was conceived, I was on the bottom. So I’m going to have a girl.”
They sit and eat for a few minutes more, the third woman obviously getting more and more distressed, until finally she breaks down into horrible sobbing.
“What’s wrong?” the first two women ask with concern.
The third woman manages to stifle her sobs long enough to only say one thing….“I think I’m going to have a puppy!”

[ricardian]

North-South divide illustrated

[Boac]

A while ago we had a thread about contra-rotating nipples. I have now discovered another phenomenon.



Talking about threads

[OFSO]

Be even better if it wasn't a bloke!

[4mastacker]

John Lewis Christmas 2020 advert

[Boac]

Be even better if it wasn't a bloke!

Am I to assume you frequent some odd-looking men?

[OFSO]

Oddly deep voices, more like..

[FD2]

[FD2]

'Sexie' Rexie the collie has turned to the dark side...

Rexie.jpg (30.88 KiB) Viewed 564 times

[TheGreenGoblin]

That is the most perverse thing I have seen, and I used to visit the Karl Lagerfeld bondage dungeons in Bremerhaven.

[Ex-Ascot]

It is after all 'Welsh' border collie. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sheep_shagger

Dai was watching a Six Nations game in Cardiff.

In the packed stadium there was only one empty seat, right next to him.

“Whose is that seat?” asked a man in the row behind.

“I got the ticket for my wife,” said Dai. “But she died in an accident.”

“So you’re keeping the seat vacant as a mark of respect?”

“No,” said the fan, “I offered it to all of my friends.”

“So why didn’t they take it?”

“They’ve all gone to the funeral.”

[Woody]

[ricardian]

Garden shed and decking from Ikea

[jimtherev]

Garden shed and decking from Ikea

Missing the Allen key, as usual.

[ian16th]

Garden shed and decking from Ikea

Missing the Allen key, as usual.

You must always understand that the most useless tool in your toolbox is the wrong size Allen key!

[Pontius Navigator]

And the most useful is a 2lb claw hammer.