Friday Jokes

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llondel
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Re: Friday Jokes

#8981 Post by llondel » Sat Sep 17, 2022 12:16 am

This is why most of the English-speaking world spells it correctly as "arse".

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Re: Friday Jokes

#8982 Post by FD2 » Sat Sep 17, 2022 12:27 am

Yes - I was puzzled for a time why Americans were so keen on kicking their enemy's donkeys/burros...

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Re: Friday Jokes

#8983 Post by ricardian » Sat Sep 17, 2022 3:08 am

How do you tell the sex of an ant?
Drop it in water.
If it sinks: girl ant.
If it floats...
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Re: Friday Jokes

#8984 Post by ricardian » Sat Sep 17, 2022 3:57 am

Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
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Re: Friday Jokes

#8985 Post by Woody » Sat Sep 17, 2022 8:49 pm

ricardian wrote:
Sat Sep 17, 2022 3:08 am
How do you tell the sex of an ant?
Drop it in water.
If it sinks: girl ant.
If it floats...
Took me a while to get it ^:)^
When all else fails, read the instructions.

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Re: Friday Jokes

#8986 Post by PHXPhlyer » Sat Sep 17, 2022 8:54 pm

#:-S

PP

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Re: Friday Jokes

#8987 Post by ricardian » Mon Sep 19, 2022 6:28 pm

A woman goes to a newspaper office, and says, "I want to put a notice in the paper, for my dog, who has gone missing."
"Certainly madam. It's ten words for £30."
The woman puts thirty quid on the desk, and says "Please print 'Woof woof woof. Woof, woof woof! Woof woof. Woof?"
"Oh!" says the receptionist, "You can add another 'woof' for your £30!"
"Are you mad?" asks the woman. "That wouldn't make any sense at all!"
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Re: Friday Jokes

#8988 Post by ricardian » Tue Sep 20, 2022 12:49 am

Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
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Re: Friday Jokes

#8989 Post by ricardian » Tue Sep 20, 2022 6:50 am

Seen on another forum:
• An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars.
• A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.
• A bar was walked into by the passive voice.
• An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.
• Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”
• A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.
• Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.
• A question mark walks into a bar?
• A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.
• Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out -- we don't serve your type."
• A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.
• A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.
• Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.
• A synonym strolls into a tavern.
• At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.
• A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.
• Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.
• A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.
• An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.
• The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.
• A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned by a man with a glass eye named Ralph.
• The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
• A dyslexic walks into a bra.
• A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.
• A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.
• A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.
• A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony
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Re: Friday Jokes

#8990 Post by Rossian » Tue Sep 20, 2022 8:51 am

Ta ricardian, I really liked that one.

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Re: Friday Jokes

#8991 Post by Rossian » Tue Sep 20, 2022 1:42 pm

In addition to #8990 I would like to print out that list that ric posted - however comma I can't work out how to print it. I know it's a really numpty question but how do I do it?? Can anyone help please.

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Re: Friday Jokes

#8992 Post by admin2 » Tue Sep 20, 2022 1:51 pm

Try highlighting it, right click, copy and paste somewhere you can print from - Notepad/Word etc?

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Re: Friday Jokes

#8993 Post by llondel » Tue Sep 20, 2022 1:55 pm

Woman #1: How did you meet your husband?
Woman #2: I'm a pharmacist. He came in to buy condoms, asked for XXXXXL.It was only after we got married that I realised he stutters.

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Re: Friday Jokes

#8994 Post by Fox3WheresMyBanana » Tue Sep 20, 2022 7:17 pm

Three blondes walk into a bar...

..you'd think one of them would have noticed!

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Re: Friday Jokes

#8995 Post by ricardian » Thu Sep 22, 2022 6:29 pm

Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
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Re: Friday Jokes

#8996 Post by jimtherev » Thu Sep 22, 2022 10:34 pm

ricardian wrote:
Thu Sep 22, 2022 6:29 pm
Something different
Wunderbar!!!!

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Re: Friday Jokes

#8997 Post by Fox3WheresMyBanana » Thu Sep 22, 2022 11:02 pm

As an dilettante engineer, I would surmise 3 possible causes:
1. Overload, possibly due to rainwater absorption during transit
2. Corrosion, due to transport of wet loads
3. Any one of the rather large gentlemen in the picture sat on it ;)))

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Re: Friday Jokes

#8998 Post by Hydromet » Thu Sep 22, 2022 11:35 pm

dyson.jpg

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Re: Friday Jokes

#8999 Post by Fox3WheresMyBanana » Fri Sep 23, 2022 10:53 am

Russian windows 22.jpeg
Russian windows 22.jpeg (43.23 KiB) Viewed 288 times

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llondel
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Re: Friday Jokes

#9000 Post by llondel » Fri Sep 23, 2022 5:40 pm

I before E except after "Old MacDonald had a farm".

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