Friday Jokes

[ricardian]

Caddyshack - betting on the Pope!

[ricardian]

Fearless canine!

[Hydromet]

Bert, age 80, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret, who is 75, looked him over. "Nope."
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?" Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different?
It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"
Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert ... You should'a bought a hat!”

[ricardian]

A group of four-year-olds were trying very hard to become accustomed to school. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them. "John what did you do over the weekend?"
"I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
"I took a ride on a choo-choo."
"No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words," she said.
She then asked little Johnny what he had done.
"I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Johnny thought very hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Sh1t”

[Woody]

[Woody]

[FD2]

Animal.jpg (134.78 KiB) Viewed 1077 times

[FD2]

[Rwy in Sight]

324255350_624316499703985_8404505813782745831_n.jpg (47.51 KiB) Viewed 1033 times

[ricardian]

A doctor walks into a bar and asks for a Daiquiri. The barman asks what flavour of Daiquiri would he like.
The doctor asks what flavours does he have. The barman says “we have Raspberry, Orange or the new Hickory flavour.
The doctor orders a hickory one as he has not had one of these before. The barman tells the doctor to take a seat and he would bring the drink over when he had made it.
A few minutes later the barman comes over and says “Here’s your Hickory Daiquiri Doc”.

[ricardian]

Stoned to death? Could be worse...

[Ex-Ascot]

Stoned to death? Could be worse...

Here you go.

[FD2]

Beauty through the ages

[ricardian]

I took my grandma to one of those spas where fish eat your dead skin. So much cheaper than burial or cremation

[Boac]

[Woody]

[llondel]

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant, who obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those?, asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on the god's earth are they for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Feckin Hell", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything !

[Boac]

Do you think it saw that coming? https://www.theguardian.com/world/2023/ ... determined?

[TheGreenAnger]

Do you think it saw that coming? https://www.theguardian.com/world/2023/ ... determined?

I am sorry for the poor creature but that is very funny!

I trust this little fellah didn't die of Gobbler's Knob.

[PHXPhlyer]

If the voices in one's head are speaking in a language that one does not understand should one be concerned?

Asking for a friend.

PP