Friday Jokes

[bob2s]

Another I found when looking through an old computer.

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[ricardian]

Boss: Where were you yesterday? There was nobody else to cover your shift.

Employee: I'm sorry, I was becoming a father yesterday

Boss: Oh really? I'm happy for you, boy of girl?

Employee: I'll tell you in 9 months ;D

Boss: You're fired!

[bob2s]

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[Hydromet]

[EA01]

Love it Hydro!!!

[G-CPTN]

I have just fathomed the detail of Hydro's illustration.

[probes]

That he has 2 left feet?

[G-CPTN]

It was the pinch of salt.

[ricardian]

Peter: I'll never, ever forget my grandfather's last words to me, just before he died.
Paul: What did he say?
Peter: Are you still holding the ladder?

[Fox3WheresMyBanana]

"I'd always hoped my last words to him would be "I love you", instead of a mundane "No, wait. I haven't unplugged that ye.....""

[bob2s]

The police just pulled me over and said," Papers ? " I said, "Scissors, I win!" and drove off. I think he wants a rematch, he has been chasing me for the
last 30 minutes.

[Fox3WheresMyBanana]

Most Common Last Words: Sales Reps

"Sales for June? Hold on, it's on the passenger seat here somewhere......."

[Archer]

Booked a session at a new massage therapist the other day... I don't think I will go back. He really rubbed me the wrong way.

[ricardian]

Q: What's the difference between an outlaw and an in-law?
A: Outlaws are wanted.

[bob2s]

Just a lot of old ones from over the years.

If I had a dollar for every girl who found me unattractive, they'd
eventually, find me attractive.

I find it ironic that the colours red, white, and blue stand
for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small
donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a
glass of water.

I changed my password to "incorrect" so whenever I
forget it the computer will say, "Your password is incorrect."

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I'm great at multi-tasking--I can waste time, be
unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in
mind to blame.

Never tell your problems to anyone, because 20 per cent
don't care and the other 80 percent are glad you have them.

Doesn't expecting the unexpected mean that the
unexpected is actually expected?

Take my advice — I'm not using it.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.

I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves
sound perspicacious.

Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like
they're at home when you wish they were.

Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it
in like a computer.

I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all
it's been doing is gathering dust.

Every time someone comes up with a foolproof solution, along
comes a more talented fool.

I'll bet you $4,567 you can't guess how much I owe
my bookie.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have
trouble putting on your pants.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me
at kickboxing.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
.
My wife got 8 out 10 on her driver's test--the other two
guys managed to jump out of her way.

There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still
looking.

Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than
men spend thinking.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the
do-it-yourself type.

I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had
one.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you
don't have to mow it.

I like long walks, especially when they're taken by
people who annoy me.

I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I
couldn't find it.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for
you.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?

Money is the root of all wealth.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be
stationery.

[Hydromet]

Some good ones there Bob.

[Fox3WheresMyBanana]

I think I shall put the DIY type one up in my workshop.

[ricardian]

A place to avoid unless you're looking for a fight

[ricardian]

[ricardian]

So it's OK for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up but when I do it I'm "anti-social".