Friday Jokes

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Hydromet
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Re: Friday Jokes

#4361 Post by Hydromet » Mon Jan 13, 2020 9:58 am

[
barkingmad wrote:
Mon Jan 13, 2020 9:52 am
Hydromet wrote:
Mon Jan 13, 2020 9:49 am
No more candle-lit dinners eh Barkingmad.
For quite some time I’ve suspected someone has been watching me. Are you the guilty party and if so, why?
[-X

ricardian
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Re: Friday Jokes

#4362 Post by ricardian » Mon Jan 13, 2020 12:11 pm

Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
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Pontius Navigator
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Re: Friday Jokes

#4363 Post by Pontius Navigator » Mon Jan 13, 2020 12:20 pm

ricardian wrote:
Mon Jan 13, 2020 12:11 pm
Latest edition of magazine - out today
Well with the latest cars! We are buying a Toyota. It has a people sensor so will slow down and stop if you don't. A car sensor so it will slow down if 45 is too fast, and self parking if you can't. It can't manage a supermarket car park slot but will avoid the trolleys.


Can wait to try like Sergei😀

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Re: Friday Jokes

#4364 Post by Boac » Mon Jan 13, 2020 12:45 pm

I have subscribed to the magazine. Waiting for the next edition. Mind you, 45 is a bit slow.

ricardian
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Re: Friday Jokes

#4365 Post by ricardian » Mon Jan 13, 2020 1:28 pm

Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
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ricardian
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Re: Friday Jokes

#4366 Post by ricardian » Mon Jan 13, 2020 3:00 pm

My wife and I went to the cattle auction the other week and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week ! ...........You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR
'My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if every time was with the same old cow.'
My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.
Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
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ricardian
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Re: Friday Jokes

#4367 Post by ricardian » Mon Jan 13, 2020 7:18 pm

When I go into my local park I like to line up the squirrels in order of height.
I got thrown out for critter sizing
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ricardian
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Re: Friday Jokes

#4368 Post by ricardian » Mon Jan 13, 2020 8:26 pm

Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
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ricardian
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Re: Friday Jokes

#4369 Post by ricardian » Mon Jan 13, 2020 8:48 pm

Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
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bob2s
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Re: Friday Jokes

#4370 Post by bob2s » Mon Jan 13, 2020 9:42 pm

A bloke from the bush walked into a Sydney antique shop. After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.

He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?' The owner replied: 'It's $12 for the rat, and $100 for the story.' The fellow gave the owner his $12 and said, 'I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story!'

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the drains and begun following him. This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks, the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.

He increased his speed and ran on towards Sydney Harbour and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster and faster. By now, very concerned, he ran down to the pier and threw the bronze rat as far out into the water as he could.

Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it, and were all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said, 'Ah, you've come back for the story then?'

'***** no!' said the bloke, 'I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim, a couple of Asians, a Poof, anything Aboriginal and an Indian spin bowler

ricardian
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Re: Friday Jokes

#4371 Post by ricardian » Mon Jan 13, 2020 10:39 pm

Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
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bob2s
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Re: Friday Jokes

#4372 Post by bob2s » Tue Jan 14, 2020 4:34 am

Vampire Bat

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood & began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to **** off & let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. "OK, follow me", he said & flew out of the cave with hundreds of excited bats behind him. Down through a valley they went across a river & into a huge forest. Finally he slowed down & all other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood. "Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. YES, YES, YES!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good for you!" said the first bat, "Because I didn't."

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Re: Friday Jokes

#4373 Post by G-CPTN » Tue Jan 14, 2020 6:55 am

Good one!

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Re: Friday Jokes

#4374 Post by Ex-Ascot » Tue Jan 14, 2020 7:37 am

Just told that to all the bats hanging above me. Being fruit bats they didn't understand it.
'Yes, Madam, I am drunk, but in the morning I shall be sober and you will still be ugly.' Sir Winston Churchill.

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Re: Friday Jokes

#4375 Post by ricardian » Tue Jan 14, 2020 9:36 am

Image
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ricardian
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Re: Friday Jokes

#4376 Post by ricardian » Tue Jan 14, 2020 9:42 am

Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
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visitstronsay.com
https://www.wunderground.com/forecast/EGER

ricardian
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Re: Friday Jokes

#4377 Post by ricardian » Tue Jan 14, 2020 10:53 am

Ricardian, Stronsay, Orkney UK
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ribrash

Re: Friday Jokes

#4378 Post by ribrash » Tue Jan 14, 2020 2:33 pm

I can't understand the fuss about people not wanting to work until they're seventy five. I've carried on and done my bit and have no intention of retiring, I'll work till I drop. Can't beat a good days graft for keeping your mind sharp, so come on, help pull the country out of the ***** and work till you die.

H M The Queen.

Buckingham Palace

London.

ribrash

Re: Friday Jokes

#4379 Post by ribrash » Tue Jan 14, 2020 3:19 pm

Ginge and Megs new display at the wax works
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Re: Friday Jokes

#4380 Post by ricardian » Tue Jan 14, 2020 4:18 pm

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