Friday Jokes

[ricardian]

The resemblance is uncanny

[ricardian]

[ricardian]

Young Bill was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining farm out west in cattle country. One evening, as they were sitting on Bill's porch watching the sun go down over the hills, Bill spied his prize bull servicing one of his cows. He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the hard word on Mabel. He leaned in close and whispered in her ear, "Mabel, I'd sure like to be doing what that bull is doing."
"Well then, why don't you? "Mabel whispered back. "It is YOUR cow."

[CharlieOneSix]

Jethro Tull - Headaches and Castration.....

[ricardian]

[ricardian]

One day a man went to an auction and he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!
As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"
"Don't worry," said the auctioneer, "he can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

[JimR]

Ricardian, I have to say that, if there was a prize for best jokes on this site, you would certainly be the winner!

[Alisoncc]

So this guy takes the parrot home, and after it had settled down he found that all it did all day was swear and curse - continuously. And when he let it out of it's cage it wouldn't go back, taking him hours to catch and return it. He was not a happy chappy.

One day after a pretty frantic chase, accompanied with streams of foul language, he managed to corner it in the kitchen, close to the open freezer door. Slamming the door on it, he decided to leave it there to cool off. Lots of noise initially and then the parrot quietened down. When he opened the door to the freezer a very subdued parrot flew out heading straight for it's cage. Once perched therein, it turned to the owner and without a single invective asked quietly "what did the turkey do?".

[llondel]

I was going to make a parrot joke but then I realised I'd just be repeating something that someone else had already said.

[Slasher]

DEAL!!

[Fox3WheresMyBanana]

George's wife had always wanted a talking parrot, but the pet shop never seemed to have any in. "The supply's dried up", said the shopkeeper, "It's all the regulations. We do sometimes get returns when the owners move abroad, so I'll let you know".
The next time she was in the shop, she saw one. "Why didn't you call me?", she asked.
"Well. We got it from an unusual source. I didn't think it would be suitable, as it has some risque language."
"No matter" she said, "I'll take it. Where was it from, by the way?"
"A brothel" said the shopkeeper. He placed a cover over the cage so she could get it home without embarrassing incidents, and handed it over.
As soon as she got it home, she placed it on a stand in the lounge and pulled off the cover
"Oooh" said the parrott, "New madam! New madam!"
She thought she could live with that. She would teach it more respectable language later. Just then, her two daughters arrived home from school, and rushed over to see the new pet
"Oooh" said the parrott, "New girls! New girls!"
..then her husband walked in
"Oooh" said the parrott, "Same old George!"

[Magnus]

We saw two rhinos making a new one in the Eastern Cape when we were there. Quite a laborious process, I thought.

[ricardian]

An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, “I’ve some bad news for you. You have cancer and it can’t be cured. I’d give you two weeks to a month.”
Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor’s office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting.
Murphy said, “Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t so well. I have cancer and I’ve been given a short time to live.Let’s head for the pub and have a few pints.”
After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less sombre. There were some laughs and more beers.
They were eventually approached by some of Murphy’s old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end.
He told his friends, “I’ve only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS.”
The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.
After his friends left, Murphy’s son leaned over and whispered, “Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!”
Murphy said, ”I am dying from cancer, son. I just don’t want any of them sleeping with your mother after I’m gone.”

[Capetonian]

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy.

One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David.

Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David. Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says:

"My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite!"

The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said:

" Moishe, would you look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"

[Sisemen]

FE4CC609-BFCD-4EAF-B81D-8FE951B821C2.jpeg (117.28 KiB) Viewed 521 times

[llondel]

We saw two rhinos making a new one in the Eastern Cape when we were there. Quite a laborious process, I thought.

I guess they were horny.

[OFSO]

Rome, Italy, as opposed to Rom, Germany.

[ricardian]

[Sisemen]

Well I would....in a trice!

[Sisemen]

Rolf Harris was in Tesco last week when a little old lady asked... "Are you that bloke from the 1970's who did 'Two Little Boys'?.

'No Ma'am ' he replied, ' that was Gary Glitter'